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I'm am sitting in a coffee shop

(53 Posts)
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 13-Jan-16 18:02:15

Discreetly observing a group of one man and three women. The man is totally holding court with three (younger, natch) women gazing at him. Occasionally one interjects with a comment and Man responds. At one point one woman started talking animatedly and Man started a conversation with the woman closest to him. It's really interesting and infuriating at the same time.

VulcanWoman Wed 13-Jan-16 18:18:15

You could flip it though, 3 men drooling over a women. Are they of similar age?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 13-Jan-16 18:30:39

The women are all about 10 years younger than the man. They aren't drooling over him, that's not my point. It's the way he is talking constantly with this total expectation of being listened to and when one of the other women started talking he had to make himself the centre of a different conversation. Such self belief is breathtaking.

KanyesVest Wed 13-Jan-16 18:40:45

Unfortunately for some of them, it never changes. I was recently at a workshop, 10 women, 2 men. one man dominated every aspect of the conversation and had to "chip in" on every comment or observation by anyone else. And this in spite of a very good facilitator (the other man) who kept trying to shut him down. It was exhausting.

VulcanWoman Wed 13-Jan-16 18:41:56

Yeah, but why are you focusing on the man being put on some pedestal. You could have an outgoing confident woman taking control/over the conversation with 3 young lads that work under her maybe.

originalmavis Wed 13-Jan-16 18:43:16

Could not be a tutorial?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 13-Jan-16 18:45:16

1- I don't think it's a tutorial, they are chatting
2- because this is male socialisation at work before my very eyes and it's interesting

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 13-Jan-16 18:45:32

Maybe the man is genuinely interesting shock

KanyesVest Wed 13-Jan-16 18:47:52

Milk, I think it's more about him holding court and his lack of interest (indicated by starting another conversation) when someone else has the floor. It's depressingly common.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mide7 Wed 13-Jan-16 18:49:41

I think it's interesting that your first thought is male socialisation and not one of the hundred other reasons a man could be holding court with 3 women.

variousthings Wed 13-Jan-16 18:52:02

Maybe it's a panel of three women interviewing him for a job.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Wed 13-Jan-16 18:54:13

Obsidian I really think you're reading too much into this. There is a social situation I am often in (being deliberately vague here!!) where young men hang on my every word, and there is no formal structure which would require them to.

Sometimes someone really is that fascinating grin <tongue firmly in cheek>

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Wed 13-Jan-16 18:55:15

The thing about him starting the side conversation only tells you one thing, that he's an impolite dick. But I see plenty of alpha-type women doing the same thing as soon as they don't hold the spotlight.

thatstoast Wed 13-Jan-16 18:56:33

Maybe it's a panel of three women interviewing him for a job.

So he was talking over someone interviewing him? That's much better.

vestandknickers Wed 13-Jan-16 18:58:00

How do you know this is because of gender rather than age or personality?

Are you seeing what you want to see to prove a point?

PalmerViolet Wed 13-Jan-16 19:29:07

The comments on this thread are very telling.

And that's about it really.

I get where you're coming from Obsidian.

AyeAmarok Wed 13-Jan-16 19:31:38

Well I for one don't think you're reading too much into it, ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight.

I'd love to be there watching them, I find people watching fascinating and I can imagine exactly what sort of situation/dynamics you're describing!

EnthusiasmDisturbed Wed 13-Jan-16 19:38:47

I think until you look for it you can't see it as it's just the way things are

I often run counselling groups men always try to dominate the group, if one quiet when they do speak some women (more so with older women) will be far more attentive to them than when other women speak (not necessarily in a flirtatious way but it does happen) some men will obviously sulk when not being allowed to lead the group, will battle with mentor other group facilitator to lead (resentment often quite obvious) it's very interesting the dynamics that play out and I think a reflection on how society so often is

EnthusiasmDisturbed Wed 13-Jan-16 19:41:23

Meant to write ...

Will battle with me or other group facilitator

Mide7 Wed 13-Jan-16 19:45:16

"I think until you look for it you can't see it as it's just the way things are"

I agree ED but I think it works both ways. As you become more aware of these things, you tend to look for them to explain things without knowing the full story.

LilacSpunkMonkey Wed 13-Jan-16 19:45:20

I know what you mean, OP.

It's like when I'm on the bus and there will be a college student or sixth former (male) talking at a girl a couple of years younger. I've seen this lots of times. The male will be very loud and incredibly patronising and basically slam anything the girl says.

Such twattish behaviour.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 13-Jan-16 19:47:04

Yes, I am looking at things through my own lens. I do think my interpretation was spot on though.
Definitely not a job interview!

Grimarse Wed 13-Jan-16 20:06:33

I don't doubt the OP's observations, but how do we account for men who are too shy to speak to women, or who become tongue-tied in their presence? As a younger man, I was one of them, and it's a common phenomenon.

Does the patriarchy just neglect to sprinkle its fairy dust on some men?

EnthusiasmDisturbed Wed 13-Jan-16 20:06:45

I think body language and the very subtle facial expressions that we do not necessarily register tell us often the dynamics that are playing out

Of course some women will dominate groups and be more demanding of attention but we usually recognise that when it's a man we don't so much

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