How do you cope with

(9 Posts)
Madblondedog Sun 03-Jan-16 08:43:49

Dp's family being unintentionally Sexist?

They often say Im great because I do XYZ (could be anything but as an example went to America to help run a children's camp when I was 18 in my gap year). DP did the same thing at 22 but they think nothing of that. If I do the 6 hour drive from where they live to us they comment on how brave I am but if dp does it it's fine.

DP says they're just being kind and I do understand that but it's just really grating and not the opinions I want my DD to grow up with. I want her to feel she is exactly as capable as any man and when they say things like that she looks at me in a different way.

Wwyd?

grimbletart Sun 03-Jan-16 12:41:30

Annoying isn't it? When I was younger I sometimes had that too. I usually dealt with it by donning an air of baffled bemusement and saying something like "what on earth do you mean" or simply "what?" or "why?" depending on the comment and circumstances. Let them get themselves out of the hole they've dug. Can be quite amusing grin

Madblondedog Sun 03-Jan-16 13:36:53

I do tend to do that, generally just say "it's no big deal, dp does it too". It's just 5 year's of it is really starting to get to me and I'm having to bite my tongue hard not to scream "just because I'm female you think that, regardless of sex we are all equally capable so stop assuming otherwise"

GreenTomatoJam Sun 03-Jan-16 14:14:54

I just say 'not really' or similar like Grimble..

I did have an ex-boyfriends mum who would describe me as 'fearless' for some of the ridiculous stuff her son and I got up to in a wonderful accent with admiration in her face - she was lovely and meant it as a compliment and encouragement, and was just as fearless in her time too.

whatdoesittake48 Sun 03-Jan-16 14:47:52

I look at this in another way. They ate congratulating you on doing the things that women are not tusually expected to do. They notice it and they are impressed. Real sexism woukd be to suggest that you shouldn't do it or that you are stepping on your husbands territory. I think I would love to be noticed for the things I do that are good examples for my daughter. To be described as fearless woukd be especially awesome. It would mean u have truly beenthewoman you want to be.

grimbletart Sun 03-Jan-16 18:34:57

Have to disagree what does (though I understand where you are coming from).

If you wouldn't congratulate a man on doing the things the OP mentions, if you then congratulate a woman it means you are holding her to a lower standard.

In the same way if you wouldn't congratulate a woman on e.g. looking after her child then you shouldn't congratulate a man, as it would be holding him to a lower standard.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 03-Jan-16 19:05:36

I remember exH's father once coming up to me while I was elbows deep in an engine, covered on oil and said, "don't get your hands dirty, love, let Bob do that". I just lifted my hands out, showed him and did this face hmm.

I think if you have DP onside you are better off. DH and I went car shopping recently and every time a salesperson would look at me he would say, "don't talk to me, mate, I don't know anything". So that's the message DD hears.

Madblondedog Sun 03-Jan-16 19:21:43

The thing is DP knows I am far more savvy in a lot of stereotypically manly ways (DIY, cars, gadgets, directions etc). He just doesn't want his parents to get upset if anyone points out they're being sexist. Oddly its almost always his mum who makes the comment not fil.

I'm possibly being too easily irritated but I just hate that attitude

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 03-Jan-16 19:58:25

I think you choose which battles to fight then. I challenge every single thing in front of DD because I want her to see me do it. The rest of the time, not my circus, not my monkeys. Might be worth asking DP about that system as well, so he's on the same page.

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