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Peoples utter misunderstanding of domestic abuse..

(76 Posts)
Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 10:04:42

I had to come here to offload a bit as I'm feeling a bit pissed off.
I'm a survivor of extreme dv abd I now work with victims but I rarely comment on threads other than to signpost.
Today there is a thread on which the advice includes "knock the twat out" or "if anyone treated me this way Id laugh my head off"
It's so sad to see this utter lack of understanding of the complexities of abuse.
No wonder women keep it quiet.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 10:05:44

Probably breaking some rules being a thread about a thread but It just highlighted what I already knew really.

MaisieDotes Sun 27-Dec-15 10:12:19

Yes I agree. It's one thing to tell a poster who is in the early days of a relationship that certain behaviour is not ok and could be considered a "red flag" and that pursuing the relationship further is probably not a good plan.

It's a totally different thing to just blithely tell a poster that has been in an abusive set-up for years to just LTB. Or to imply it's the poster's own fault for putting up with it.

My first marriage was abusive and I feel I have some insight but I rarely advise posters unless I feel sure I'm helping. I do wonder how many pieces of advice come from posters who have never had the misfortune to have experienced an abusive relationship.

Rozalia0 Sun 27-Dec-15 10:22:04

Right, third attempt to respond to your post Ledkr. Another survivor here, 20 years of a DV marriage & I struggle to post a response because I might not do it "right".
I read the thread too, my heart sinking at some of the well- intentioned but ill- informed posts.
DV screws with your mind, nothing is normal, whatever the fuck normal is. I don't think I'll ever fully recover.
I just agree with what you've posted Ledkr.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 10:24:47

I'd imagine most of them!
I've done loads of training about the "chronic fear" that these women live in.
To advise a victim to hit back or call them nanes/stand up to them is so dangerous and could lead to a huge escalation in violence.

MaisieDotes Sun 27-Dec-15 10:27:10

I'd imagine most of them!

Yes, me too.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 10:28:17

Thanks roz
I'm twenty five years past but I saw him this week in the fracture clinic (we both had broken limbs) abd my reaction was utter terror.
I had my 13 yr old dd with me so his it quite well, but I was melting inside.
I told her it was a violent ex client.
I was up and running the second I saw him.

MaisieDotes Sun 27-Dec-15 10:31:33

Wonder how he got his broken limb.

Mine is on another continent thank god. I'm divorced 9 years this Spring. I'm remarried now.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 11:16:15

My friends said that lol!
Thing is, I'm very strong and confident but he still terrified me.

VestalVirgin Sun 27-Dec-15 14:04:02

Today there is a thread on which the advice includes "knock the twat out" or "if anyone treated me this way Id laugh my head off"

Is the victim male? Because otherwise, that is so idiotic I can't even. confused

I thought everyone know that the fact that most men are physically stronger than most women is a factor in domestic violence, and that it's one of the reasons women don't leave abusive men ... not even counting the several other factors like financial dependence, or simply emotional dependence.

I mean, really, you don't even have to understand the complexities to know that "knock the twat out" is very, very bad advice.

I'd expect "Why don't you just leave?" comments from well meaning but ignorant people, but this?

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 17:05:50

It's shocking isn't it? I've been thinking about it all day and it makes me angry.

VashtaNerada Sun 27-Dec-15 17:17:45

The threads on DV are always such a mixture of solid advice and shockingly stupid advice. I just hope those reading are able to tell the difference sad I've never experienced DV but sometimes pop on those threads to advise the OP call a DV charity, I hope that's the right thing to say.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 17:37:50

Its certainly much more useful and safer than telling people to punch or stand up to their abuser vashta

Jux Sun 27-Dec-15 20:47:46

I wonder if there would be any mileage in producing a 'myth-busting' set for dv. Things NOT to say, things which people seem to think is helpful, but which aren't, a bit like mn did with rape myths. Then people who know waht they're talking about, like you, Ledkr, could point these posters who make you despair to a page on mn, which has all that on it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 21:10:30

What a fabulous idea.
I know that during my few years as s victim, I slowly pissed off all areas of support by repeatedly going back to him.
It was strangely my step mother who said
"You can keep going back to him as long as you like, but he will hurt you again and you can come here as many times as you like before you eventually leave him"
She was the catalyst in me eventually leaving.
Another friend suggested I hit him back. When I did, I got my skull fractured.

How would we go about setting up a page of myths?

WellWhoKnew Mon 28-Dec-15 10:22:22

Well, perhaps one can be started here - then made into a list on a new thread - and then ask MN to sticky it for a while in Relationships - just like "Listen up everybody" thread is.

I think it's a good idea because I get so bored of trying (and failing) to explain to people what EA is and how it happens.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest Tue 29-Dec-15 14:45:22

Thank goodness for your SM Ledkr. I think a sticky would be a great idea - I think a lot of people are ignorant about the realities of DV and how it wears down the person in the relationship.

Mostly it's a self-protection thing, with people convincing themselves that "I would never let that happen to me" and maybe they wouldn't but how many women in DV relationships also say that they never thought it would happen to them?

Either way, something to remind people of the realities of DV and give posters an easy reference point for a support network is a great idea.

PitPatKitKat Tue 29-Dec-15 16:02:22

Brilliant idea Jux. I am so heartsick of seeing people who are obviously terrified being troll hunted or bullied/pilloried.

What an amazing SM Ledkr.

PlaysWellWithOthers Tue 29-Dec-15 16:51:41

I've reported the thread with Jux's idea in mind, because it's fucking brilliant.

Hopefully MNHQ will get on board with the myths page, which might also have some helpful resources for women who find themselves in abusive and violent relationships. Having MN around when I was having the shite kicked out of me would have been a godsend. And a myths page that we could signpost people who make stupid assumptions to would make everyone's lives easier.

Jux Tue 29-Dec-15 18:45:13

I used to think "who don't you just laugh at him" or "I'd never let that happen to me", all those things. It was reading loads and loads of threads here, and a lot of the links, that opened my eyes to reality. If there were a place here on MN where I could have been directed to bust all those silly ideas, where the reality of abuse, the systematice disassembling of the personality, was made clear, it would have educated me much more quickly.

I think I was lucky, in that I had the time to read lots of threads (hundreds, over a period of a few years) but most people don't have that time. So I suppose I'm thinking of something almost like a quick reference - do not suggest they stand up to their abuser, this will almost certainly trigger further and worse abuse, as the abuser attempts to get their victim back into their box, and maybe continues with a more in depth explanation of the psychology behind it.

JeanneDeMontbaston Tue 29-Dec-15 19:10:02

I've not seen the thread, but I love the idea of a 'myths' page. And wanted to send strength to you, ledkr - I've been nodding along to your posts for ages.

MN is brilliant for slow consciousness raising, I agree. But it'd be lovely to have some way of shoring it up.

That great bit of advice by reality on a very old thread, which I think is worth linking to here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

MrsPnut Tue 29-Dec-15 19:18:20

I think a myths page is also a great idea, the number of people who think that their partner is not abusive because he doesn't hit them is heartbreaking.

Any show of violence, hitting walls etc is terrifying for the implied threat that it contains.

Rozalia0 Tue 29-Dec-15 19:42:11

systematic disassembling of the personality - that's exactly it Jux. You've just perfectly phrased what I'm struggling to overcome. I've been out of my DV marriage for 10 months, although that doesn't mean he's left me alone.
I've worked hard to rebuild my life from ruins, after 20 years of an abusive marriage. And it's such a struggle, it's sometimes like fighting an enormous, invisible beast. I can't always "see" what's wrong, though I know something is. I'm not putting this too well, but your phrase systematic disassembling of the personality was exactly what he did to me. Why? Why the fuck would you do that?

Sorry for derail, but that phrase was a lightbulb moment. Thanks Jux.

venusinscorpio Tue 29-Dec-15 20:11:53

Yes, the myth-busting page is a great idea.

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