Male friend being a sexist git(23 Posts)
Ok, without taking ages about it...
A male friend no longer likes me (has avoided me for months and I've found out from mutual friends why) because I am too 'mean' in my replies when he talks to me about his relationships/girls.
This is a friend I've been very close to (he's a total over sharer, I know his bathroom habits, every detail of dates he's been on etc. He's always just told me stuff even when I've not asked!!) for years and who has had a series of failed attempts at getting girlfriends. We've shared hysterically funny moments while he's explained his attempts in a very comedy style way. I Laugh at him. He laughs at me, it's been fun.
Unfortunately he has a habit of going too far and can be downright sexist, he is very shallow, judges a lot on appearance (very judgy pants) he's a bitchy kind of guy. He comes out with some stupid, sexist, degrading comments occasionally. I always pull him up on it, tell him it's not on, try and explain when he's crossing the line and how things he's saying are bloody rude and hurtful and insulting and so on. So yes I have been very sharp with him many times because he's a wanker sometimes. I want him to not be a wanker because I know he'd be happier if he wasn't so insecure and worried about what people think of him, and I keep trying to tell him that putting other (men and women) down will not make him feel better.
Anyway... I'm pissed off that all of a sudden he's decided I'm too 'mean' to hang out with just for pulling him up on shit that is definitely pretty mean itself...
But I'm not going to just let it go and listen to it, am I?
I know you'll probably all say why am I friends with him anyway... It's complicated, we've been friends a long time, he's very good friends with my DP, he does have many good qualities and I want to see him happy.
But apparently pointing out the things he does which will drive women away from him isn't helpful... I should just sit and listen to him tell me about some girl who was 'fit' enough to invite home to fuck but not 'pretty' enough to be seen with in public by anyone in case they thought they were a couple... And not say that I think his attitude towards her is disgusting.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I'm no longer surprised to learn about men who do this, but there seem to be a very large number of men who are heterosexual but just don't like women. How else to explain this guy (even if he can temporarily be friends with one woman)?
Thank you. I put it to him ages ago that he doesn't seem to like women much, he says he loves women... But then continues to criticise all women who don't meet his ridiculously high 'standards' (for want of a better word), then says he's not judgey when I accuse him of being so.
Honestly I couldn't be friends with someone like that. I have just recently (last week) lost a friend of 12 years because we fell out so badly about his descriptions of women.
Life's too short to be dealing with idiots.
I want him to not be a wanker
But he is one. So there's nothing you can do about it.
I doubt you would be wringing your hands about losing the friendship if he'd been as racist as he clearly is sexist, so I wonder why you're trying to make excuses for him. This isn't him being insecure and immature - he's a bigot. Fuck knows the world is full of them, he won't find it difficult to find other mates with whom to talk about women in disparaging terms.
I think you enjoyed your role as confidante and advisor, which is understandable. But you can't rescue this guy from himself. Chalk this one up and move on.
why are you friends with him?
ditch him. wankers never change.
I can't imagine why you care that he doesn't want to spend time with you. Why would you want to spend time with a misogynist like him?
He's no friend!
If he says this stuff about women he's been out with what do you think he says about you when your back is turned.
Cut this wanker out of your life!
I think I'd have one last go at spelling it out to him. Tell him that you find his comments hurtful and offensive, and they make you want to avoid him. If that isn't enough to make him think and change his behaviour, he isn't worth worrying about.
An awful lot of men are misogynists and sometimes, they're our friends.
At a certain stage, we realise that they're awful misogynists and it pisses us off.
You've been pissed off with him and his response has been to find you unacceptable as a friend.
Because you are just a woman. You're not a real person, like a male friend would be. He doesn't respect you or rate you or believe you are as human as a man.
The fact that he's dumping you because you no longer comply with what he requires from friendship with a woman, shows just how much he rates you.
It hurts when a friend we've had good times with, dumps us. But I think you need to look at this man without the friendship glasses on and see him for what he is.
He despises you. And you're still in that space where you're not recognising that, you think you can carry on being friends with him.
But you can't, because he only ever wanted your friendship on his terms, which presumably have become less acceptable to you as you've got older.
This is all interesting stuff, thank you. Food for thought.
A mutual friend has told my dp that this friend has been very depressed lately, suffering since the breakdown of a short relationship which he was very invested in but it didn't work both ways... My dp is going to meet with him to try and chat/work things out/see what's been going on (friend has also been avoiding my dp) and is going to do this without me, as they've been friends longer. He's going to tell him that I want the best for him but can't listen to him being so sexist and compare it to racism. I'm keeping my fingers crossed everything sorts itself out, however I will not be accepting any further sexism from him and if he can't take that then we won't be able to associate any longer.
If he says this stuff about women he's been out with what do you think he says about you when your back is turned
Just leave him to be obnoxious. Probably best that his behaviour and thoughts stay obvious to warn any future women off him. I have a friend very very like this. At first i thought it was just funny and he was overdoing his comic routine on purpose. On the surface he looks a great catch and attracts lots of female attention. Now i know him better, i would never introduce a single female friend or family member to him as a possible interest.
My bit of armchair internet psychology for the night is...ok so you say he's not very confident. I think maybe he doesn't like himself very much at all, and he's now pushing you away because he's had enough of you pointing out his poor behaviour and thus making him dislike himself even more.
If you were inclined to pursue the friendship (and I'm with PP on this - I don't think I'd be rushing to, myself) I think I'd be taking the line that I loved him very much indeed, but I had a real problem with x, y and z opinions he has expressed, as they sound like things a total wanker would say and that's very confusing because I don't think he IS a total wanker.
I also wonder if the issues you've highlighted with him being very insecure and overly concerned about what others think, point to a deeper fear of rejection. He is convinced that no one worthwhile could ever love him so to prevent them rejecting him, he rejects them first with all this bullshit sexist garbage you say he comes out with.
Either that, anyway, or it's something to do with his mother
I love a bit of psychoanalysis!
I saw him the other night at a mutual friends party, he blanked me the whole night - admittedly I did not try to even say hello for fear of the blanking I would get. He did chat to my dp but only on general topics and when my dp mentioned he has been avoiding us he shrugged it off.
It was very obvious he was avoiding me, a mutual friend (actually, think a group of guys who've known each other since college and their assorted girlfriends, who are now all friends too. This mutual friend was the girlfriend of the party host) mentioned it and I said I didn't know what I'd done wrong... She told me he's said that he doesn't like me because he doesn't get to see my dp as much any more and if he does I'm 'always there too'. Well, my dp and I have been living together for four years (so it's not a new thing) and this guy has been coming over to ours every couple of weeks for that whole time. He doesn't invite us to his because he lives with his parents and there isn't space, and he personally doesn't like the pub because he doesn't drink soft drinks (and everywhere round her you have to drive to) and thinks the alcohol prices are a rip off, and wouldn't have more than a half anyway, soooooo... He's always been happy with coming here in the past and yes, I'm here, I live here too! It's a small place, I am not going to go and sit in my bedroom on my own while they take up the living room and HE WAS MY FRIEND TOO or so I thought, we enjoyed meeting as a three! If he'd wanted to have more 'bloke time' I'd have been perfectly happy for dp to go out to the pub with him, I'd stay home with our toddler, wouldn't be a worry. I like going out with just a female friend occasionally too. It annoys me he's never mentioned this at all, just suddenly decided he doesn't see enough of my dp on his own so he's going to hate me and avoid us both - how does that work?!
He sounds like hard work tbh.
He also sounds like he wants everyone's life to stay the same so his can stay the same. He doesn't seem to want to understand that your life should change when you live with someone else/have children.
The fact he's blaming you for not seeing his friend as much is misogynistic, even more so if it isn't true as he's still seeing your partner as much as he wants! He's showing his true colours I'm afraid.
Didn't finish earlier as DS woke from a nap, haven't got long now but wanted to add... Dp and I got engaged a couple of months before our friend went all weird... Could he be jealous or finding it difficult that his best friend, who is 'less cool' than him, earns less, has a 'worse' car etc (he doesn't say these things but it's pretty obvious he puts a lot of importance into status things and appearance, unlike my dp) has this thing which has eluded him I.e. Love?! He says he doesn't want marriage as he doesn't want a women stealing all his money
The more I write about him the more I realise how awful he is!! He must have some redeeming qualities or I wouldn't have been friends with him for so long?!
Feck it. He's a jealous, shallow misogynist. He's welcome to himself, I'm not going to lose sleep over this any more.
He sounds just incredibly insecure - and that he's using misogyny to avoid feeling rejected or having to take personal responsibility for relationship failure.
You could talk to him about why he feels this way and see if he'll open up about his inner fears, but frankly it doesn't sound like he's worth it!
If you've got the missionary spirit, then you might say "You're a decent man, but this kind of thing is unworthy of you. You don't have to keep acting this way, and I'm certain you'd have a happier life if you acted so that women would respect you." But honestly, the signs are that he's more trouble than he's worth.
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