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Feel inadequate as a parent compared to DP.

(18 Posts)
SodOffWasp Tue 23-Jun-15 17:17:54

DP and I have a toddler together and he has a 7y/o DD (my DSD).

We both work full time but his job is much more flexible with hours, etc. He does most nursery/school drop offs and pick ups because he can pretty much go in when he wants. I have more rigid hours. Also, I work further away. My commute is twice as long as his.

When I came back from mat leave I agreed with work that I would start at 8am and leave at 4pm every day. But because of the nature of my job I quite often end up having to stay a bit later and not leaving until 5ish.

On the odd occasions when I do get home early I don't always go and pick the kids up straight away. I relish the time to myself in the house. Even if it's just an hour. Also, I like to leave them at the childminder's/nursery until later because they eat there and then I don't have to cook them dinner blush

If DP finishes early he goes straight away to pick the kids up. He was saying today that he loves spending any extra time with them so wants to get them as soon as possible.

I feel massively guilty for not feeling the same way.

Also, I feel really guilty that I don't do more pick ups and drop offs in general.

AIB a lazy, shit mum?

momtothree Tue 23-Jun-15 17:20:56

No.... me time makes you a better mom... why make life more difficult? Think of all the jobs you get done in that hour feet up tea catchup tv hey your call .... let DH do as he pleases.

SodOffWasp Tue 23-Jun-15 17:24:20

But why do I need 'me' time and he doesn't?

He seems to be able to spend an unlimited amount of time with the DCs and not get totally frazzled.

I can do a couple of hours and then need to go and fold washing or something just to step back from the intense, constant engagement.

I wonder all the time: are we just different personality types or am I crap?

Bonsoir Tue 23-Jun-15 17:33:24

You aren't lazy or a shit mum but you aren't up their with the most engaged parents. Watch out or you might get sidelined in your family!

thatstoast Tue 23-Jun-15 17:34:45

There was a thread about introverted personalities and how it effects motherhood. I will try and find it and link later.

I usually work til 4, DH was off work today so I deliberately stayed later. It was 50/50 I was busy/I wanted to be an environment where I could leave the room without a toddler following me.

SodOffWasp Tue 23-Jun-15 17:41:02

I am a natural introvert. I have always liked being on my own.

The rest of my family seem to be extroverts. I feel sad that I might end up sidelined sad

DP sometimes has a go at me for being 'negative' and 'detached' but I think that's just the way I am.

cogitosum Tue 23-Jun-15 17:43:16

I'm similar. If dh finishes work early he picks ds up straight away whereas I'd relish the time to myself. I adore him but dh seems to actively enjoy spending time with him more.

Mide7 Tue 23-Jun-15 17:46:47

What does being sidelined me in this context?

isupposeitsverynice Tue 23-Jun-15 17:54:00

I think some people just have a much higher tolerance for kids stuff. My DP is like yours and I'm like you - I used to leave DS in wraparound care even if I was off sick or took an afternoon off following an appointment. I'm not an inadequate mother and nor are you. I need that time to recharge and come back to my kids and love them properly instead of just getting irate that I can't even make a cup of tea in peace or whatever.

Also, squidgy toddlers are cute, but older kids are just more interesting in my opinion. I much prefer taking DS round an English Heritage site than taking the toddler to the park.

ThomasRichard Tue 23-Jun-15 17:56:33

This article is the one a pp is thinking of, I think. Have a read and give yourself a pat on the back OP smile

PuffinsAreFictitious Tue 23-Jun-15 18:03:52

You won't get sidelined, what utter utter bollocks.

I'm assuming that your DP knew you were an introvert when he chose to have a child with you, so none of this should come as a shock to him. If it has, then he needs to give his head a wobble.

I'm sure that, when you've recharged your batteries after a long commute home and you go and collect the children, you are a perfectly fine parent. Parenting styles differ, unless you're actively abusing or neglecting them, I'm pretty sure all shall be well.

You'll probably find that you'll enjoy the children more when they're a bit older, not everyone is good with all stages of parenting either.

Stop beating yourself up.

SodOffWasp Tue 23-Jun-15 18:32:02

Thanks you're making me feel better!

If I tried to be like DP I would burn out quickly I think.

ChunkyPickle Tue 23-Jun-15 18:45:58

I'm the same - I'm a million, billion times happier now that I'm back to work and not spending every hour with young kids.

I was even like it pre-kids - I used to pootle off and to the weeks shopping early Saturday morning before DP got up - because I liked the time just wandering round in my own world (an DP liked the lie-in so it was win-win)

I have no idea what is meant by being sidelined. My kids have enough enthusiasm and love that they can share it between DP, me, their grandparents, our nanny and our childminder and still have plenty to leave us exhausted but grinning at the end of a weekend. And because I get some time alone, I can enjoy it too.

UptoapointLordCopper Tue 23-Jun-15 20:05:51

I'm the same too.

thatstoast Tue 23-Jun-15 20:09:08

This is the introvert thread, if anyone is interested.

YonicScrewdriver Tue 23-Jun-15 20:28:22

We are all different. DH needs less time alone than me so does as your DP does but I'm the one who makes sure the homework is done, for example.

Athenaviolet Tue 23-Jun-15 20:53:29

Everyone needs some me time. Don't feel bad.

scallopsrgreat Tue 23-Jun-15 22:37:23

I'm the same too. Parenting is far and away the hardest thing I've ever done. It doesn't come naturally and I knew it wouldn't.

You're not alone flowers

I think it is difficult for women to admit that they aren't 100% engaged with their children all the time. There is an expectation that we should be. I think spaces like MN really help with this. Women talking to other women, understanding that they aren't abnormal or a bad person.

It is a balance but I don't think you are anywhere near being 'sidelined in your family'. An hour of me time every so often isn't even going to be noticed. And spending a couple of hours with young children before needing a break is completely normal I'd have said!

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