What should I do about these boobs?

[MakeTeaNotWar]

Went to a local pub last night- one I hadn't been to before - with a large mixed group. Packed busy pub but everyone was distracted by some kind of movie projecting on a wall of the pub basically of topless women, dancing and writhing provocatively - looked like it was from the 70s. Please can you help me word a complaint as it was out of line.

[SillyStuffBiting]

Was it a pornographic movie showing?

[AuntieStella]

Was it a designated film night? What was the film?

Was it advertised as that venue's film night? (or been running for yonks, so that everyone knows).

[MakeTeaNotWar]

Nota porno as they weren't having sex but they were practically naked women so basically a backdrop of breasts & sexually suggestive posturing, writhing etc maybe 3m high being projected onto the pub wall. Not a film night, packed loud pub - shown like you'd see music videos playing. I felt it was really inappropriate & of course the men kept commenting

[CollatalieSisters]

Sounds horrible to me. I'm not talented at forming words for complaints, but agree it would not be somewhere I'd want to spend time. You could write and let them know you won't be going again. But I suppose the fact that it was packed may mean that boobs and writhing are a draw. But not what I'd want or expect in a local pub.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

I would be pretty horrified if I went into one of my locals and there were topless women projected all over the wallls. I would want to leave and could probably persuade some of the people I was with to do so.

Some of DH friends would be pretty keen to go / stay I imagine.

When I was a teen I wouldn't have felt like I could say anything I would have just stayed there and felt uncomfortable. And the blokes I knew would have been extremely pleased.

This sort of thing is shit and it pisses me off and it always has done. Men aren't made to randomly feel uncomfortable when they go and do perfectly normal things. No bogstandard high street pub would randomly decide to project film of hot men in little pants writhing around, if they did decide to do that it would be for a specific reason. The whole world has hetersexual male as default for everything doesn't it, and everyone else must put up and shut up (which is what young women do, no matter how many people say "oh if you don't like it you can just leave" it's not actually as straightforward as that in real life is it).

[LassUnparalleled]

I would be horrified. I wouldn't have stayed. I don't often go to pubs and can't imagine the few I go to would do this.

If it were a work night out my male partner would be mortified if we had picked a venue like that; if I were with friends or my husband I am confident there would be a mutual decision made to leave quickly.

[partialderivative]

Men aren't made to randomly feel uncomfortable when they go and do perfectly normal things.

I fully appreciate what you are saying whirlpool,but please do not think that many men would feel very uncomfortable with this, and would leave the pub. I certainly would.

But would I make a comment to the management as to why I was leaving? Maybe not. Much to my chagrin.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

Maybe the men where you live are different to the ones round here.

Most of the blokes I knew, when younger, would have thought this was absolutely brilliant. Now, that they're older and have wives and daughters and stuff, I think they would realise that it wasn't maybe ideal for everyone and if out with women would get that they might not like it / would make them feel uncomfortable. But I think if they were in a pub without any women they wouldn't mind. And they certainly wouldn't feel uncomfortable in the same way as they would if in a pub and loads of half naked hot men writhing was suddenly projected onto the wall and at the same time they suddenly realised they were surrounded by gay men who were a lot larger than them.

Because that's the difference isn't it. It's not about just the images, as woman surrounded by straight men, and then having sexualised images of women beamed everywhere, it's a nasty combination of being reminded of your place n the world and depending on the atmosphere it can feel quite threatening, in a funny sort of way, even if no-one is actually doing anything.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

So like, if I were in a pub and there were images of hot half naked men writing around everywhere, it wouldn't bother me at all. I would think, hmm this is a bit inappropriate, and maybe the men won't like this, but it wouldn't bother me. Any bothering would be in theory, at a distance, IYSWIM.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

I mean obviously I'm not advocating for this and 2 wrongs don't make a right. But just it's a different feeling. Thinking, this is wrong in principle, and actually having a direct emotional adverse reaction personally.

Not expressing this very well.

[YonicScrewdriver]

I know what you mean, Whirlpool!

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

partial I believe obviously there are men like you who would hate it and leave but I think you're in a minority TBH in the world out there, I really do.

[LassUnparalleled]

I can only speak for the men I know but I can't envisage a situation where my close male friends or my husband or my son would be in a social situation where there were no women. And even if they were I doubt very much this pub is one they would pick.

It is utterly vile but to suggest all men or the majority of men would like this is unreasonable. Perhaps the OP should be more discriminating when choosing her friends. It's not clear whether OP said or did anything at the time to let the people shd was with know her feelings.

She mentions "the men kept commenting" presumably salacious comments rather comments on the inappropriateness. If the former why would one want to spend any time in their company?

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

No I mean with any women, ie if Dh and his mates were out as a group of blokes and me / other girls weren't there, not any women in the whole room!

[LassUnparalleled]

Again I'm 100% confident my husband if he was with a group of men would leave. It is no different from a lap dancing club and he's never been in one of them and feels very strongly they are wrong.

And actually my husband would never be in any social situation which was exclusively male.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

Where on earth do you lot go out? Are you honestly saying that you think in a bar or club full of 20 somethings if this happened most blokes wouldn't like it?

it's not utterly vile to suggest that most men like it at all If men don't like looking at scantily dressed / half naked / topless women then this is news to the world surely What's the Sun for? What were the Star and Nuts and Zoo for? Why do so many pop videos feature scantily clad women grinding? It's not for women, it's not for gay men, and it's not for lesbians. It's to appeal to the heterosexual male eye, and it's so prevalent that people don't even notice. On mainstream US shows the characters go to have a quiet lunchtime work drink in a strip club (bizarre to the british eye) and you don't hear loads of men piping about about how odd or terrible that is. I know a pub in town where they randomly have women stripping and then going around collecting pound coins in a beer tankard. This is a "normal" pub not a strip joint, mixed crowd, it's just a "thing" they do.... And on and on and on.

I guess all that can be concluded is that people move in different circles.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

Yes but your husband is not representative of the bog-standard british male. Maybe an older married british male. You can't extrapolate what all men in the UK are like based on one man and the people he chooses to socialise with.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

I mean, the OP says the pub was packed, and these images were on the walls.

Ergo, everyone had not left in disgust. Neither the men nor the women. My guess would be that the men were quite comfortable having this imagery around them, as a backdrop and something nice to look at, and the women either didn't mind either or didn't want to make a fuss or be seen as prudish or whatever.

If large numbers of people left when they put the film on, they wouldn't do it.

[LassUnparalleled]

I think we must move in different circles. As I said I'm speaking for the men I know well and socialise with. None of them would think this was normal or acceptable nor that the sort of pub you describe is normal or acceptable. And we don't do girls or lads' nights out.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

Well sure but you can't then extrapolate that most men in the UK are like your DH, and anyone who says that actually they think your DH is the exception rather than the rule is being vile.

[LassUnparalleled]

But whirlpool you are doing plenty of extrapolating of what men are like . This pub sounds vile. It's very little different from a lap dancing club. Plenty of men find them unacceptable.

[MakeTeaNotWar]

Yes a regular pub, a live music venue on a busy Saturday night in a British seaside town known for its liberal attitudes. The film looked v 70s so whether it was meant to be kitsch and cool perhaps but I thought it was wildly inappropriate. The men in our group feigned embarrassment but I think they enjoyed it, I heard salacious comments from the other men in the pub, the women in our group found it v off-putting and awkward. I'd never been to this pub before so i don't know if it's a "thing". I've tweeted them, no response yet.

[LassUnparalleled]

, and anyone who says that actually they think your DH is the exception rather than the rule is being vile

I did not say that . I said the pub was vile but you were being unreasonable in saying most/all men would have no problem with it.

[LassUnparalleled]

OP I'm still puzzled why you and the other women didn't vote with your feet. If the men in your group were genuinely embarrassed then presumably they would have left with you; if they stayed, well a useful indicator of what they are really thinking.

[MakeTeaNotWar]

Our friends DH is in band that were playing there so we were waiting for their set, we couldn't leave