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Chugger - "do you mean yes?"

(64 Posts)
GinAndSonic Tue 02-Jun-15 11:53:21

Am I being overly sensitive today?
I was approached by a chugger for a well known charity on a busy shopping street, im in a rush so i said no thank you, whoch he responded to with "do you mean yes?"

I was pretty annoyed, but i dont know if im being petty. I know they have a job to do but i dont see why he feels so entitled to my time that he would say that. It feels very "i can guilt the little woman into indulging me". Its plain rude if nothing else, to not take no for an answer, but just the phrasing of it felt awful. I said "what a horrible thing to say" and walked off. He then accosted me again as i left the sandwich shop i entered, to ask why i thought it was so horrible. I just sort of gawped and went "i cant think of a single situation where an.appropriate response to 'no' is 'do you mean yes?', its so disrespectful, and especially to say it to a woman who has said no to you" he apologised but i feel pretty pissed off that he felt the need to accost me a second time to ask me to explain myself.

Im not being a total arsehole here, am i?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Tue 02-Jun-15 11:56:07

No you aren't, it would piss me right off too. Firstly because it is rude, and secondly because it just smacks of 'no I don't want to have sex' 'don't you mean yes'. Yuck.

Personally I would ring the charity and complain - I did this once when a guy calling from Barnados launched into a big explanation of sexual abuse to me because I had a chance to say anything, they took my complaint very seriously.

DarrellRiversGlintingEye Tue 02-Jun-15 11:57:30

I don't think you're being overly sensitive or a total arsehole. Chuggers are a nightmare, I don't know how they get any sign ups at all. Even if he said it without thinking, it's a horrible thing to say - would you consider contacting the charity he was working for and advising them to tell their chuggers never to say anything like this again?
On a side note, I've also noticed that I get targeted way more by chuggers when I'm either alone, or walking with another woman - having a man with me is a great invisibility cloak hmm

peggyundercrackers Tue 02-Jun-15 11:59:18

but they don't just say this to woman, they say it to everyone who says no. sorry I don't see this as a feminism issue...

slug Tue 02-Jun-15 11:59:28

YANBU I've said something very similar (if with somewhat more fruity language) to a chugger in the past.

GinAndSonic Tue 02-Jun-15 11:59:36

Thank you Alibabs, yes, thats exactly what i felt. He said it and i just stopped dead in my tracks, my jaw on the floor. I cannot imagine him saying that to a bloke. But even if he did, they arent living in a society where any refusal to accept a "no" is a threat upon your safety. I cant feel safe near a man who refuses to accept a "no" from a woman in any context.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Tue 02-Jun-15 12:03:56

peggy I would disagree.

I went out with my parents for the day during half term last week - me, Mum, my Dad and two small boys. All of us equally engaged with the children.

There were tons of chuggers around in the town where we were - unsurprisingly, it is an affluent area.

Not once did my father get accosted, Mum and I got stopped twice each. I don't look to be offended everywhere I go, but it really struck me.

OydNeverDeclinesGin Tue 02-Jun-15 12:04:32

I think you were very polite actually, I would have told him to fuck off the second time he approached me.
I've got no time for chuggers, it's morally ambiguous at best IMHO.

GinAndSonic Tue 02-Jun-15 12:08:04

Im not easily offended, but it stopped me in my tracks. I actually stopped mid stride and my jaw dropped. Ive heard lots of "oh come on, i only want a minute if your time" etc but "do you mean yes?" felt very uncomfortable. And THEN he came up to me again to ask me to explain myself. I was stood next to a wall, all of 5 foot tall, with this 6ft bearded guy in my way, wanting me to explain myself. That doesnt happen to men.

WickedWax Tue 02-Jun-15 12:11:02

I think you were incredibly polite and I can't imagine this scenario happening to a man.

YonicScrewdriver Tue 02-Jun-15 12:16:37

YANBU.

I do think it's good that you explained and he apologised, I hope this means he won't do it again. I don't think he should have cornered you into explaining though.

CactusAnnie Tue 02-Jun-15 12:32:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smoothieooo Tue 02-Jun-15 12:46:46

YANBU. The 10 minute walk from the train station to my work is awash with chuggers and 3 separate Big Issue sellers. I'm always say a polite but firm 'no thanks' (I make a monthly donation to 2 charities of my choice so don't feel bad about this).

BUT in my head it sometimes makes me feel better to think of the pilot from the film 'Airplane' who, when approached by lots of different people starts with a 'no', then a shove, then a full-on punch and body toss!

partialderivative Tue 02-Jun-15 13:17:32

I (truthfully) tell them that I do not pay UK tax.

Their interest in talking to me instantly vanishes

Lottapianos Tue 02-Jun-15 13:21:49

I would feel the same OP. Completely inappropriate and offensive. And you're right - this would never ever happen to a man. And I doubt they do they smiley, flirty, jumping into your path thing to men either.

ProfYaffle Tue 02-Jun-15 13:25:42

I got stopped by a Chugger once with the words "They tell us to talk to women with prams, can I talk to you?" I just went hmm and walked past but he was probably telling the truth about being told to target women.

Mide7 Tue 02-Jun-15 13:27:27

I agree with Peggy. I can totally understand why you were upset but chuggers are just sales people. They are looking for an opportunity to strike up a conversation. Which to be honest you gave him.

That doesn't excuse his behaviour and if you are that offended then you should complain.

CactusAnnie Tue 02-Jun-15 13:30:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YonicScrewdriver Tue 02-Jun-15 13:30:23

Mide, he asked if she was interested and she said "no". That's not giving him an opportunity to start up a conversation. He then used a dubious phrase to try and push a women a foot shorter than him into talking to him after she'd said no.

Ragwort Tue 02-Jun-15 13:31:41

I would really love to know how much money charities actually make from using chuggers to sign people up (ironically I work for a charity that does this but trying to get an answer for this question seems to be impossible for someone low down in the organisation sad).

Are there any statistics available?

Mide7 Tue 02-Jun-15 13:36:04

I meant by replying to his "does that mean yes?" Question. If OP had just carried on walking ( which I understand would have been hard to do) he wouldn't have been able to converse further.

LassUnparalleled Tue 02-Jun-15 13:36:14

I don't particularly see this as a feminist issue.

I'm 5'2" but look very officious and not particularly user friendly. Husband is 6' but if he's not in smart work mode looks far more approachable than me. And consequently gets stopped more than me. I hardly ever am asked.

Lottapianos Tue 02-Jun-15 13:39:50

'I meant by replying to his "does that mean yes?" Question'

That was a disgusting thing to say and he deserved to be challenged on it.

partialderivative Tue 02-Jun-15 13:41:03

Just discussed this with DW. When in the UK, I seem to get targetted just as much, if not more than her.

Maybe I look a soft touch

YonicScrewdriver Tue 02-Jun-15 13:44:18

I can well believe some people get approached a lot more than others and some of those are men.

A man saying "does that mean yes?" to a woman who has said "no" sounds like a punch line to a bad sexist joke, whether it was said by a chugger, a man offering her a drink or asking her on a date, a man offering to sell her a pack of crisps with her sandwich etc.

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