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how can this be acceptable??!!!!

(30 Posts)
AMcoffeeLover Fri 29-May-15 00:34:04

So was at kings cross station a few hours ago and a guy called out "hey sexy I bet you like it up the arse. Want me to give it to you?" My reply " really? You think that's an ok thing to say to me" and walked off.
On the train a woman about my age came over and told me to "relax its only banter, don't be a tight arse haha".
That's not banter!!! How can people think that's acceptable? From a man then supported by a young woman!
Its really thrown me as I haven't had anything like that called out to me recently.
Mentioned it to a mate and she has things like that said at her multiple times a week, does it happen a lot to others too?!
Cant believe how common it seems to be after speaking to people.

Yellowbird01 Fri 29-May-15 00:44:27

I think yes its fairly common for people to shout stupid sexist stuff but it's not acceptable at ALL and I think this is a particularly explicit example, also very strange that a women would come and try to justify this afterwards confused

Sorry you had to deal with such people!

AMcoffeeLover Fri 29-May-15 01:00:02

I think the woman must have know the guy, other wise why join in with "the joke?". I've had sexist things said before but an anal sex comment was a first for me.
DP joked the other day that living and working in a small quiet village has made me naive and "in a bubble"...... I think I liked it best in my bubble!

HelenaDove Fri 29-May-15 01:54:21

Yes She may well know the guy and may have also bought into the patriarchal myth that being "Cool Girl" will somehow make him like her better and "elevate" her in his eyes above other women.

Hope ive explained that well enough.

CtrlAltDelicious Fri 29-May-15 07:18:41

DP joked the other day that living and working in a small quiet village has made me naive and "in a bubble"...... I think I liked it best in my bubble

Is that bubble a place where people talk respectfully to each other and manage to keep anal sex comments to themselves? I quite living in one of those too!

MuttonCadet Fri 29-May-15 07:23:02

Totally unacceptable, and I think it's time that bystanders started to get involved.

For instance, we more mature women could pull up men saying inappropriate things to younger women. Don't just leave it to the victim to deal with.

Littlepaleale Fri 29-May-15 07:24:54

I'll join you in your bubble too!

In no way is that acceptable. Angered on your behalf by the comment and the woman's response and think your reply to the idiot who made the comment was spot on.

CollatalieSisters Fri 29-May-15 07:26:44

Agree - not acceptable!

Unescorted Fri 29-May-15 07:32:05

Not acceptable.

At the risk of sounding old - I thought banter was something between friends who know that the comments were meant in a lighthearted manner. Since when did it become an excuse for random verbal abuse of strangers.

ginghambingham Fri 29-May-15 07:36:02

Not in any way acceptable. And unfortunately, it's also not acceptable to pepper spray anyone who says these things.

AMcoffeeLover Fri 29-May-15 07:47:18

Thanks to everyone who's replied. I was feeling like maybe I was over reacting, its nice to know others feel the same way.
Your all welcome in my bubble, you just need to move to the village I live in smile its full of lovely respectful people who know how to talk to each other nicely!

Nolim Fri 29-May-15 07:48:36

Not acceptable at all. Seriously wtf?

TheLily1957 Fri 29-May-15 08:26:07

Not in anyway acceptable. I would have been too scared to answer back actually. If a man can be so verbally abusive what's to say he won't be physically abusive too?

Ledkr Fri 29-May-15 08:32:08

If it was "banter" why wasn't he saying it to women with partners? Woukd it be banter if soneone said it to his mum?
I've got 3 sobs, a brother, a dad a step dad and a husband plus many male friends and not one of them would ever do this, It doesn't even sound normal behsviour!

shinysparklythings Fri 29-May-15 08:37:18

I'm a teacher and "banter" is basically just bullying! I hate the term, people being nasty but it's ok because it's just banter!

Anyway, to your original question it's completely out of order that he spoke to you like that. I hate sexist people, male or female, who feel they can comment in people based on their appearance.

sausageeggbacon11 Fri 29-May-15 08:57:21

Unfortunately some men think they have the right to say and do anything they like. DD was in a pub with a couple of friends from Uni and the rugby team had been in for several hours celebrating the end of their season. One of the oldest (and saddest) bits of sexual humour was attempted by the club captain with the "I bet you a pound I can make your tits wobble without touching them". As DD unfortunately has inherited my chest she was the target for said "humour". DD has heard this before so she stood up and screamed at the guy "No you can't touch my tits" in a loud voice that stopped everyone in the bar. He still tried to reach out and found out that 11 years of martial arts means a 5'6" girl can arm drag and then arm bar a 6 foot plus drunk idiot. DD has decided not to press charges as she would have to admit to hurting him. But some guys seem to think their position or money means they can do what they like. Plus I think DD us worried about a backlash from the rugby mob. They laughed at the captain getting beaten by a girl but criminal charges may put DD at more risk than even she can handle.

And it is a disappointment that the same old "jokes" are still trotted out. Did this guy's dad teach him? I remember in pubs in the 80s and 30 plus years blokes are still trying to use it as an excuse to grope women.

TheBlackRider Fri 29-May-15 09:38:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mide7 Fri 29-May-15 09:51:43

Some people are idiots. You've got ask questions of their upbringing/ morals/ manners ( I'm not 100% sure what) if people think it's acceptable to make comments like that to anyone, let alone strangers.

Sorry OP

AMcoffeeLover Fri 29-May-15 11:16:03

sausageeggbacon your poor DD! And the fear that pressing charges will result in back lash is really sad. If they've done the crime then they should expect some (legal) action in return? Not be protected by their friends and team mates!
Think i'm going to invest in some self defence classes. I want to know that if things turn from "banter" to something worse I can at least get away and to safety.
The UK isn't as safe as people would like to think it is and to think that we're "developed" and "a leading nation" is awful. God knows what other womem and girls around the world suffer through. Its very depressing.

suitsyousir Fri 29-May-15 11:23:13

sausageeggbacon - your daughter is fully entitled by law to use reasonable force to defend herself against an assault, and using martial arts training is considered reasonable as long as she didnt do more than was necessary yo defend herself. Any police officer that tells you otherwise is too lazy to do their job properly.

uglyswan Fri 29-May-15 11:35:01

sausageeggbacon - I like the sound of your DD. And I agree with PP: she acted in self-defence to protect herself from a sexual assault.

OP - I am shocked and angry not just at the revolting shit you had to put up with from that wankstain, but also the fact that the patriarchy has now apparently enlisted women to defend misogyny and police other women's reactions. We're going to need a bigger bubble.

NoTechnologicalBreakdown Fri 29-May-15 12:24:05

Congratulations to your dd sausageeggbacon.

And just to echo everyone else, no it is not acceptable. It is bad enough that men think it is without other women starting as well.

The UK, safe?? As usual it depends on your comparison. Compared to India yes, where women out of doors alone at night are legally a safe target. Except that so many british men actually agree with that assessment in practice. Our advantage is the law in our favour. Meanwhile go and look at the statistics for violent crime in Europe, and go walking around on a european street. Outside the capitals and biggest cities - Brussels, Amsterdam, Rotterdam - you simply don't get these levels of sexual harassment in the benelux countries. I suspect the same is true of Germany. In the UK it is everywhere. I got it regularly in a small green-belt town in the north.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel Fri 29-May-15 12:30:45

I consider the woman's comment to also be abusive. They were both bullies.

grimbletart Fri 29-May-15 12:32:45

That woman was clearly a member of the Polly Vernon school of feminism - aka curry male favour faux feminism. I'm with Madeleine Albright on this i.e. "there is a special place in hell for women who don't support other women".

Like the cut of your DD's jib Sausage smile. A pint of beer "spilled" over the offender's head can also be quite effective in a pub I found in the days before I became (thankfully) invisible.

The anal "banter" seems relatively new, as in last decade or so, I think. Clearly shows the effect of porn and, in turn, the pressure men think acceptable to put on young women. Nasty development.

Personally, in the past I used to directly challenge skidmarks who made unacceptable cat calls. Usually they are not very articulate and their IQ tended to match their shoe size, so a verbal chewing over particularly in front of their mates is quite effective. grin

LassUnparalleled Fri 29-May-15 13:42:15

Of course it's not acceptable. It's no more acceptable than any other bullying, racist or homophobic behaviour would be. Why the other woman made that comment is beyond me.

As for how frequently this sort of thing happens personally, I've never had anything like that said to me.

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