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DP wants to go on new DC's BC

(526 Posts)
Jackieharris Mon 18-May-15 14:03:32

He has just raised this out of the blue.

He isn't on our eldest DC's bc. That's never caused a problem. Now he's saying he wants that changed too.

I know this is 'normal practice' (hence posting on fwr not aibu/chat/parenting/relationships) but it's made me really anxious.

It came so out of the blue, I didn't have much of a response prepared. I said it hadn't caused any problems so why change. I said I didn't want to give up my exclusive rights. He said why and I gave the hypothetical scenario of him running off with a younger woman then being able to restrict where I live etc after a split.

He knew about my stance on this before we had dc1. He knows I had a very bad relationship experience before him (life threatening violence, stalking and breaking into new house after break up type stuff) so I just won't ever feel 100% safe with any man ever and need to have the security that I could escape if that happened again. From my PoV if he was on bc he could potentially use this power to continue to abuse me even if I left. (So many threads like that on relationships board and I know some irl examples too)

As long as he was never violent I'd always let him have fair access to dcs so I said to him why does he want it unless he doesn't trust me?

I'm now going to be constantly worried he'll bring it up again. Maybe he won't. I'll not mention it if he doesn't.

Spidergirl2015 Mon 18-May-15 14:05:41

Is he the father? Is he abusive to you? If he's the father and not abusibe then yes you are being very unreasonable.

Holowiwi Mon 18-May-15 14:16:12

If he is the father (and he is involved in their lives which he is and he isn't abusive which he doesn't seem to be) then you are being completely unreasonable

Jackieharris Mon 18-May-15 14:21:47

Hence not posting on aibu.

Plonkysaurus Mon 18-May-15 14:21:52

He has as much right to be on it as you do. you mention him trusting you, but you also need to trust him. Not allowing him on bc is kind of saying you don't trust him.

Understandable that experience in prior relationships makes this hard for you, but it's not fair to make that his fault. Hope you can get past this because father's rights are very important (and under valued IMO).

skrumle Mon 18-May-15 14:24:27

I know it must seem unfair if you discussed this prior to having kids but people change their minds all the time and considering the circumstances I really think his request is totally reasonable.

I'm also not entirely convinced that it gives you that much additional protection by keeping him off the birth certificates. If he is their biological father and involved in their day-to-day lives then I think he could get the exact same kind of rights through a court in the event of a separation anyway.

I think everyone should be aware of the potential pitfalls of a relationship breakdown (rather than "it will never happen to us because we're sooo in love") but I do think you're taking it too far, and you risk damaging what sounds like a good relationship.

MakeItACider Mon 18-May-15 14:25:57

If he is their father, then he can run off, and then apply to have his name on the BC and apply for joint custody anyway.

Regardless of what is currently on the BC.

What you currently have is a very false sense of security.

But by opposing it you could be doing irreparable damage to your relationship. You are clearly telling him you don't trust him, and you never will.

If my partner told me that I'd be doing everything I could to legally protect myself asap.

DuncanQuagmire Mon 18-May-15 14:29:16

"so I said to him why does he want it unless he doesn't trust me?"

probably because you do not trust him?

It is not a way to treat your loving and involved baby father ( for want of a better word) is it?

I pity men sometimes I really do.

DonVitoCorleone Mon 18-May-15 14:29:31

You are being very unfair, he is their father, it takes two to make a baby, why should you have "exclusive" rights over your children??

Spidergirl2015 Mon 18-May-15 14:30:46

How would you feel if the role was reversed and he said he didn't want you to be on the birth certificate for the same reasons you state. How would that affect your relationship? I think you need to look at the reason why you don't/ can't trust him.

DuncanQuagmire Mon 18-May-15 14:32:54

" I said I didn't want to give up my exclusive rights."

and sorry to be harsh Jackie, but you must know that actually parents do not have 'rights' they only have 'responsibilities'.
It is the children that have rights, inc having their father named on the BC, IMO.
You would find in the case of a split that their dad would be equally likely to be awarded residence as you.

fanofpeamum Mon 18-May-15 14:33:06

OP, can I ask how you square it in your mind that you want your DP to be a father to your children while you retain exclusive parental "rights". How can that be fair? I would be so unspeakably, irreparably hurt in his position.

DonVitoCorleone Mon 18-May-15 14:33:11

hypothetical scenario of him running off with a younger woman

He has rights whether you are together or not, those children are 50% his

CatsCantTwerk Mon 18-May-15 14:33:31

You are being extremely unfair to your dp and dc.

He has every right to be on the bc.

What have you got on your dc1's bc? Father unknown? How on earth do you think that will make your dc feel when he is older and reads it?

Floggingmolly Mon 18-May-15 14:34:17

You don't have "exclusive" rights over your children hmm

Debs75 Mon 18-May-15 14:36:19

He's not on the bc but still dc dad. So if you split he could do a dna test and still have parental responsibility.
What if you stay together forever and when dc needs bc when older. How do you explain why his loving dad is not on it?

Nolim Mon 18-May-15 14:43:34

I know this is not aibu but yabvu.

CatsCantTwerk Mon 18-May-15 14:45:07

This is not a Feminist issue, it is a selfish parent issue.

I have been here years and this has to be the most selfish thing I have ever read.

LurcioAgain Mon 18-May-15 14:45:31

A quick quote from the OP which seems to have gone soaring over the heads of all those people who have decided to insist on treating this as a sub-board of AIBU, despite the OP saying that she didn't want to post there (for bloody obvious reasons).

"life threatening violence, stalking and breaking into new house after break up type stuff"

Jackie - your DP went into a relationship with you and chose to have children with you knowing this background, knowing that this is an enormous amount of trauma for another human being to have been through, and knowing that it would require a tremendous amount of sensitivity and an approach to your relationship which might well never be that of a relationship with someone who had had the good fortune not to have this sort of past history to contend with. I think it is unfair of him at this point to suddenly want to change the ground rules, especially without any explanation, and especially when he's been happy for the situation as agree with your two older children.

Has he said why he's had this sudden change? At the very least he owes you an explanation of why it's suddenly so important to him now, given that he went along with the ground rules for the previous two children.

MrBloomFantasies Mon 18-May-15 14:47:37

you don't dictate over his rights and the birth certificate. If he is the father then of course he should be on it and it's not your place to deny it and yes of course he should have parental rights.. if he's also a parent!!

NerrSnerr Mon 18-May-15 14:47:50

Of course if he's the father to both children he should be on the birth certificate. If you trust him enough to have children with him why don't you trust him to be on the certificate?

MrBloomFantasies Mon 18-May-15 14:53:53

sorry i forgot this is the feminism board.. so we must all concur that a bloke must absolutely be deprived of his children, opinions and feelings because he has a penis.

Permanentlyexhausted Mon 18-May-15 14:55:53

I think you're being very unfair. Your children's birth certificates shouldn't be about you or about your DP or about issues of trust you have with each other. They should be about your children - about their birth and their parentage. If he is their biological father then he should be named on them unless there are compelling reasons for him not to be, and it doesn't sound as though there are.

LurcioAgain Mon 18-May-15 14:57:13

He's not being deprived of his children. He agreed to a certain course of action (possibly a course of action not many people would be comfortable with) in the light of his partner's past history. He now wants to change that agreement without any discussion. I just happen to think the OP is owed an explanation of "why now, why this child"?

Can we stop with the knee jerk reaction that evil feminists want to deprive men of their children?

How many people on this thread have been subjected to life threatening violence by a previous partner, or seen someone they love go through it, or seen children used as pawns to continue to control a woman after she's escaped from a violent partner? It does happen. It happened to my sister. It is terrifying.

Zampa Mon 18-May-15 14:58:32

An unmarried father can get legal responsibility for his child in 1 of 3 ways: joint registration on the birth certificate;
getting a parental responsibility agreement with the mother; getting a parental responsibility order from a court.

I therefore don't think that you can prevent him from gaining parental responsibility, in the unlikely event that you split up as a court could/would award it.

Putting this to one side, I don't think you should just not mention it again. It clearly makes you very anxious and to have this hanging over your head could cause longer term issues. If you both have a frank conversation regarding your needs, maybe an understanding could be reached?


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