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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Wedding 'giving away' tradition

116 replies

Marzenka · 13/05/2015 15:05

What do you think of the wedding tradition where the bride is 'handed' to the groom by her father? It is not common in other countries and cultures. Do you like/accept it or do you find it too old-fashioned and slightly insulting?

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33goingon64 · 13/05/2015 15:18

We got married in a tiny mayor's office in France so no aisle to walk up. We met up with DH2B outside and just all walked in together. I wouldn't have wanted to be given away anyway so would have worked out a way of avoiding it whatever.

heavenstobetsy · 13/05/2015 15:19

Personally, I find it totally antiquated - right up there with asking the father's permission for his daughter's hand in marriage. I'm no one's property and I find the whole thing quite extraodinary in tis day and age.

I'm always slightly baffled that otherwise strident women find the whole tradition sweet - it gives me the rage!

Keepithidden · 13/05/2015 15:21

Is it really not common in other cultures?

I assumed pretty much all official (religious?) pairings between man/woman had Patriarchal roots and are therefore likley to be insulting/degrading for the female side.

Sorry, I know I'm not the target audience, it was the monocultural aspect that made me post.

geekaMaxima · 13/05/2015 15:23

Really dislike it. The best alternative version I've seen was where bride and groom walked each other up the aisle, attended by best man, bridesmaid, etc.

museumum · 13/05/2015 15:25

Dislike it. Didn't do it. I walked in with my dh and I don't think my dad minded at all. He was sitting in the front with my mum.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 13/05/2015 15:25

I'm also curious about it not being common elsewhere

Personally, it would have broken my DF's heart not to have walked with me up the aisle. He wasn't asked for his permission for DH to marry me and the wedding ceremony had no "who giveth this woman" bit (both of these deliberately) but it meant a lot for him to accompany me up the aisle.

morethanpotatoprints · 13/05/2015 15:28

I loved it and it was one of my dads proudest moments.
It was beautiful walking down the aisle with him, I think he was nervous, I wasn't
We did have the who giveth this woman bit, which I admit was a bit funny as me and dh had lived together for 4 years and had ds1 by then.

HarrietVane99 · 13/05/2015 15:30

There's no requirement for the giving away to be done by a father, or even a man. Charlotte Bronte, IIRC, was given away by her former headmistress.

mousmous · 13/05/2015 15:34

I dislike it and didn't do it.

my father used to marry people and refused to allow the 'wild west' practice as he called it. he insisted bride and groom walk together. after all a woman is not a posession to be handed from one male to the other.

HapShawl · 13/05/2015 15:36

i wouldn't choose it for myself. i might walk up the aisle with both parents if dp did the same with his iyswim (you see this on some american tv shows - don't know how often it happens in RL - but i think this might reflect some jewish customs). my father might be disappointed (i have never checked) but i wouldn't be happy with it

i went to two weddings last year where the bride was not only walked up the aisle by her father (not surprising given that this was the uk and they are fairly traditional) but also they did the whole "who gives this woman..." thing - that did surprise me as i thought it was very outdated even among those who aren't troubled by the walking up the aisle aspect

i don't know much about other cultures. my jewish MIL was walked down the aisle by her father but she had a registry office wedding

HermioneWeasley · 13/05/2015 15:38

A big cheer for your dad Mous

I don't understand it at all, but then I don't get anything about wedding traditions

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/05/2015 15:44

I did walk up the aisle with my dad as I knew how much it meant to him, but I refused point blank to be "given away". I would have been pretty unhappy if DH had asked him for my hand in marriage before asking me too. I would also have hated a lavish proposal.

YonicScrewdriver · 13/05/2015 17:02

I did it and didn't really think about it at the time (too busy explaining to incredulous relatives that my name wouldn't change!) but I can absolutely see the issues with it.

MsFanackerPants · 13/05/2015 17:08

In Ashkenazi weddings the groom walks to the chuppah with both his parents, the bride with her parents.

I'll be walking down to my DP with our daughter and my sister. Giving away makes me really uncomfortable so there won't be any

SenecaFalls · 13/05/2015 17:15

My father walked down the aisle with me, but he did not give me away or hand me over. My daughter did the same. This was in the US.

I remember reading that the Swedish princesses went against normal practice by having their father walk them down the aisle. So there are obviously places where it is not the norm.

SenecaFalls · 13/05/2015 17:16

I also kept my name.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/05/2015 17:35

I kept my name too.

AnonymousBird · 13/05/2015 17:37

Both my parents walked in to the front of our marriage room with me but they did not give me away.

SenecaFalls · 13/05/2015 19:32

I would also have hated a lavish proposal.

YY to this. Our decision to marry just evolved as out relationship did. I would have been very upset if DH had done some big proposal thing, especially a public one.

VanitasVanitatum · 13/05/2015 19:37

My mum will be walking me down the aisle. 'Giving away' is hopelessly antiquated but the transition from one nuclear family to another is maybe symbolic? Although then it only being the woman doesn't make sense.

soapboxqueen · 13/05/2015 19:46

I wasn't given away. I hate the idea as I'm not property. I think my dad was a bit upset by it though.

I told him he should have raised subservient stepford wives in training rather than the free thinking, independent women he brought up. Dead sensitive me

5madthings · 13/05/2015 19:51

I am getting married this month, after 17 yrs and five kids together... Just registry office followed by pizza express for lunch and was really torn on this. I will not be changing my name, yhe madthings have both surnames and it's not a traditional or big wedding but I have chosen to let my dad give me away/walk me down the aisle, though it's just a row between chairs.. Purely because I know my dad will love it. He is not old fashioned and like I say dp and I have been together 17 years. Our wedding is for the legal protection it affords and because it will be a nice celebration for us and the children.

We would rather have a civil union but as that is not possible a simple registry office, non religious wedding is the next best thing. Doing this one thing will make my dad very happy, and I can bite my tongue over my principles for that.

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flightywoman · 13/05/2015 19:51

I walked in with my mum and sister, and at the "who gives this woman?" bit my entire extended family shouted "we do!". My idea, and it was lovely.

5madthings · 13/05/2015 19:52

The madthings will also walk up the aisle with me.

Discogeek · 13/05/2015 20:04

I wasn't given away either, my dad made a joke about it during his speech but I think was secretly proud

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