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Thought this blog was interesting about bad sex

(7 Posts)
CrispyFern Wed 07-Jan-15 10:55:19

www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2015/01/05/bad-sex/

QueenofallIsee Wed 07-Jan-15 12:45:14

It is very interesting, thank you for posting it CrispyFern. I actually identify with some of the article, having had my fair share of bad and even painful sex that were categorically caused by my own issues, not the actions of my sexual partner. I participated, I even feigned enthusiasm - they were not to blame in any real sense. I think that I fell victim on more than one occasion to the conflicting society messages in respect of female sexuality - that I was at fault for not enjoying it because I was not sexy enough perhaps, that I had gone to far to stop the action, that actual enjoyment of sex is a male preserve and nice girls don't say 'that feels bad do it like this'. I lost my virginity very young and spent a good few years have shockingly awful sex because I felt as though I should be having it, not because I actually wanted it. I say this now with the benefit of hindsight - I did not realize it at the time by the way.

I cannot be sure of it, but I think that this is a uniquely female issue. I don't believe men, the possessor of the penis will ever quite understand the vulnerability that comes with being entered by another person. Sex, good or not, requires a woman to give up something each and every time. The wrong mindset and the inherent patriarchy of pretty much all sexual propaganda can combine to ensure that good sex is a bloody myth rather than a right.

cailindana Wed 07-Jan-15 14:27:06

I think that in the situation the author describes, she was raped.

Bad sex, IMO, is fumbly awkward sex where both partners are trying their best and don't really get it right.

In her situation and older guy homed in on a young, insecure girl and asked if things were ok, knowing that because she was young and insecure she would say yes even though it was clear she wasn't happy. He could then go on and do what he liked to her knowing that she would go and blame herself for the hurt she inevitably experienced.

He manipulated, abused and raped her.

MephistophelesApprentice Wed 07-Jan-15 14:30:25

I don't believe men, the possessor of the penis will ever quite understand the vulnerability that comes with being entered by another person.

- really? Because a few homosexual gentleman of my acquaintance, as well as several straight men with adventurous girlfriends, would strongly disagree.

messyisthenewtidy Wed 07-Jan-15 15:04:04

MephIs, I think on average peneration is something women experience more than men...

I identify with this article and agree with the general premise. A lot of bad sex can be blamed on the double standards prevalent in patriarchy. When I was younger there were three main conflicting messages: "if you don't sleep with him he'll dump you for someone who will", "if you do sleep with him you'll lose his repsect and be seen as a slut" plus "don't be a prick tease because men will hate you".

Whilst you're trying to pick your way through all of the dos and don'ts imposed by patriarchal society it's pretty hard to actually listen to your body and be confident enough to stand up for what you want.

Hamuketsu Wed 07-Jan-15 15:21:28

I'm a little older than the writer but her experiences sound very familiar. In my case, I think the issues were caused by:

- An internalised (and overtly taught by my mother) notion that sex was something that women did FOR men, all about his enjoyment.
- The notion that my sexual attractiveness to a partner was the most important thing. Hard to relax when you're constantly worrying about what you look like to the man. Conversely this meant that the more attracted I was to my partner, the less enjoyment I had in bed.
- Like the writer, lots of relationships/encounters with men who I wasn't attracted to, because they were nice to me, and I wanted to avoid the stress/paranoia of being with someone who I did find attractive.

I really should have stayed single for many of my younger years sad. But the notion that if you didn't have a boyfriend you were a failure ran very deep. I haven't been single since I was 14. I'm 45 now and still have to struggle with the "meh, let's get it over with" approach. And the physical confidence gets worse the older/less conventionally attractive I get. Absolutely none of this comes from my dh.

HouseWhereNobodyLives Wed 07-Jan-15 18:41:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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