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Handling this situation with DP

(39 Posts)
GingerSkin Mon 15-Dec-14 22:21:48

Rare night out the other week with DP and his friends. Only one girlfriend there of DP's friends so we buddied up whilst the others caught up.

On the whole lovely evening apart from one of DP's friends who was very drunk having been at the football match and drinking all day. He took one look at me when we arrived and said "I'd fuck it"

I think my response was something like "excuse me?" and he backtracked and said I looked nice hmm not before drinking more beer and drooling over other women near by.

The other girlfriend received a similar comment a little later and then the drunken idiot friend went home.

The girlfriend and I were more pissed off that our respective partners didn't say anything to him. Had that have been a stranger they wouldn't have accepted it, so why was it different?

We could neither be arsed to cause an argument on a night out and I didn't feel annoyed enough to bring it up with DP afterwards either.

But it's just been brought up. DP has been to the gym with his friend (the one with the girlfriend) and he told him his girlfriend and I were annoyed.

I'm now more annoyed by DP's response. DP shook it off with me really saying that he (drunk friend) was paying me a compliment hmm. I said that's definitely not how I saw it but that I was more annoyed that not one of the lads told the drunk friend it was out of order to talk to women like that (or took his beer off him and put him in a cab).

"I'd fuck it" is just wrong to me.
Why does DP think this is ok?
How do I tackle this with him now. It's not a deal breaker (LT relationship, child, mortgage etc) I'm just annoyed he thinks it's a compliment. Or am I completely overreacting?

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe Mon 15-Dec-14 22:31:59

No you are not over-reacting.

It's not a compliment, it's at worst a threat and at best a slap down, a putting you in your place - you're not a real person, just something I'd fuck.

He's shown very clearly what he thinks of women - that they're things to fuck. TBH I would make sure that I would never be alone with him.

I'd be disappointed in a partner of mine who thought this was in any way acceptable. You ask why he thinks it's OK. Well, it's probably because your DP doesn't have much respect for women either. Hence not being too concerned about his friend. Sorry. sad

Belalug0si Mon 15-Dec-14 22:40:54

It is not a compliment. I would have been livid and probably told him (the 'friend') as much (not a natural peace keeper here!).

Not sure how you tackle it with your partner though. This sort of thing has a habit of making the complainer look unreasonable (which I don't think you are).
I suspect it's more not wanting to rock the boat with his mates/cause upset, rather than not respecting women. But it does often seem to be an issue of "missus" versus "mates".

uglyswan Mon 15-Dec-14 23:18:50

No, you're definitely not overreacting, based on the "it" alone fangry. The entire comment is revolting and dehumanising. In what imaginary and unpleasant world is "I'd fuck it" a compliment? Does your DP really think your self-worth is based on whether or not some drunken rando would have sex with you? Does he respect you otherwise?

Amethyst24 Mon 15-Dec-14 23:27:34

It's horrible, but I'd feel equally insulted if my partner felt it was up to him to intervene in a situation in which I (his "property") was dissed/attacked.

I think you reacted appropriately, maybe you could have been a bit more assertive, but I'm not sure that expecting your partner to be all, "DON'T YOU TALK TO MY WOMAN LIKE THAT!" is really right either. Maybe you both need to keep a bit of distance from this dick?

messyisthenewtidy Tue 16-Dec-14 08:06:59

I don't think it's a matter of treating his wife as property in a "hands off my woman" kind of way but more a "don't talk to any woman that way". When people say things to us which are shocking and throw us off-kilter it's nice if the people that love and know us intervene and take care of us.

HouseWhereNobodyLives Tue 16-Dec-14 09:21:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseWhereNobodyLives Tue 16-Dec-14 09:22:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMagicToyshop Tue 16-Dec-14 09:39:49

What would worry me is that your DP is showing he's the type to let things slide with his lad mates because it's 'banter' / they weren't being serious etc. I think it's the responsibility of decent feminist friendly men to stand up to that kind of stuff, not only if it's directed towards 'their' woman. Eg. Recently my DP caused a row with his mates over them using 'gay' as an insult, they don't use it now (at least not in front of DP!). Your guy sounds scared to rock the boat and I'd be worried what other stuff he lets slide when you're not there. I find it hard to respect men who search for ways to excuse sexism for fear of not being seen as one of the 'lads'.

HouseWhereNobodyLives Tue 16-Dec-14 09:46:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EilisCitron Tue 16-Dec-14 13:02:16

I let something like this go because it was DP's birthday. His friend said something about how often I (and other women with my hair colour) appear in his wank fantasies and went on about it for a while while the table tittered politely as if it were some gentle and very funny joke. I was very uncomfortable and didn't know how to express it. The fact that DP didn't behave as if there was anything wrong with it has become part of a general bolus of resentment at his general inconsiderateness and unexamined privilege. (a lot of the rest has to do with having children)

I think I should have confronted it with him then or immediately afterwards. I hate to admit it but it is one area in which I have lost respect for DP and maybe if I had challenged him he might have come out on the right side. (or maybe not). Take it up with him and see where it gets you. If you don't it will be hard to forget no matter how much you want to.

BreakingDad77 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:42:09

Was DP in earshot when the guy said that?

II wouldn't ever be in that position as I have never sought to be friendly with those types of guys with that lad, baaanter, wimen, pack mentality.

EilisCitron Tue 16-Dec-14 13:59:27

DP's revolting wank fantasy friend and all their sniggering mates are the opposite of laddish. Indie sexism / perviness is extremely insidious because they all think they are "more sensitive" or something than "other blokes". ugh

BreakingDad77 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:10:41

Eiliscitron - Angsty 'nice' guys?

EilisCitron Tue 16-Dec-14 14:35:14

no, not necessarily. just a bunch of people who prefer not to challenge one (in this instance) creepy git, because they're all friends

EilisCitron Tue 16-Dec-14 14:41:30

Breakingdad, I object to your characterisation of groups of sexist male arseholes being identifiable as belonging to one or other group of socially dysfunctional people. Society is generally sexist, groups of men are as a norm not very nice to women.
We have to get out of this way of thinking where normal = fine.

Normal is usually pretty shit from a feminist perspective.

partialderivative Tue 16-Dec-14 15:02:44

Obviously the drunk was an arse.

However, I'm not sure what you were hoping your DP would do.

You were more than capable of speaking up for yourself, which you did.

Were you hoping that he had said something as well?

Do you normally think of your DP as your Knight in armour, rushing in to defend your honour?

Or have I missed the point entirely (wouldn't be the first time)

HouseWhereNobodyLives Tue 16-Dec-14 15:27:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scallopsrgreat Tue 16-Dec-14 15:30:25

The OP wasn't asking her DP to be a knight in shining armour. And she certainly wasn't asking him to defend her honour. Acknowledging it as being offensive and an issue would have been a first step. And perhaps calling his mate on it would have been a second step. Neither of those involve being a knight or any defence of female 'honour'.

Interesting you think that is the case though.

partialderivative Tue 16-Dec-14 15:50:13

And perhaps calling his mate on it would have been a second step.

Maybe he realised that his mate was plastered and that any talking to him would not have been useful, and could possibly have ignited an already uncomfortable situation.

This is from the OP:

The girlfriend and I were more pissed off that our respective partners didn't say anything to him.

BreakingDad77 Tue 16-Dec-14 16:03:14

Eiliscitron, this is what I have observed as a man, there is loads of research out there on how different groups of men behave, e.g cheaters validating cheating behaviour.

Men obviously modify and mask their behavior around women and flowers to those who thought they got romanced but actually were bought by your misogynists in shining armour.

scallopsrgreat Tue 16-Dec-14 16:05:22

And partialderivative? Why would saying something to him make him a "knight in shining armour"?

partialderivative Tue 16-Dec-14 16:36:09

Why did the OP expect her DP to intervene, when she had already told the fool that he was out of order?

scallopsrgreat Tue 16-Dec-14 16:52:33

Because he's a decent man who recognises sexism? Maybe because men are listened to more than women (especially by other men)? Or simply some support?

It seems she did have something to worry about with regards support, given the rest of the OP doesn't it? So maybe she recognised the fact that he hadn't said anything at the time, not as affirmation that she'd handled it OK but that he didn't see the comment as a problem.

scallopsrgreat Tue 16-Dec-14 16:54:18

You still haven't answered why say something to him would have made him a knight in shining armour though.

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