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How to deal with aggression when telling men to leave you alone?

(20 Posts)
FayKorgasm Sat 08-Nov-14 12:07:16

Has anyone noticed that when you do not respond favourably to a mans advances the default is almost always aggression? Yet again when I declined a mans offer to buy me a drink last night his response was to tell me he felt sorry for me for being a fat bitch.

MyEmpireOfDirt Sat 08-Nov-14 12:12:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SevenZarkSeven Sat 08-Nov-14 12:22:54

Yes

Agree with MEOD all you can do is walk away if he will let you

SevenZarkSeven Sat 08-Nov-14 12:24:09

Of course that's also tricky if eg you have got a good table and are sitting with all your friends.

Although I miss being younger & going out on the razzle I don't miss all that shit at all.

PacificDogwood Sat 08-Nov-14 12:25:40

Yes, I don't engage.
Although I often think "Well, you've just proven me right, you dick wad".

FayKorgasm Sat 08-Nov-14 12:33:41

I do move away but I am a wet lettuce who lets his comments get to me and truth be told the aggression scares me. I am failing in my feminism sad .

MyEmpireOfDirt Sat 08-Nov-14 12:36:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwood Sat 08-Nov-14 12:37:33

No, you are not failing - it is perfectly appropriate to feel anxious when at the receiving end of verbal abuse angry

I think sitting at a table in a group of friends is actually easier - strength in numbers. You can laugh the idiot off together.

Good grief, I am glad I go out v rarely!

FayKorgasm Sat 08-Nov-14 12:43:02

Why do they do though? Why can they not just accept no thank you with good grace and manners? Is it because society tells men that women are there for them to have access to?
My sister has recently broken up with her husband and feels awkward at work working social events so I agree to comd along with her. It has really opened my eyes to how horrible some men are.

PacificDogwood Sat 08-Nov-14 12:45:45

Yes, I think there is good old entitlement.
But also fear, and needing to re-establish their 'machismo' for lack of a better word by putting the woman who dared to say no in her place.

I think the whole situation would be less fraught if it were more common for women to offer men a drink, rather than this expectation that they 'need' to offer drinks or whatever.

I detest the 'games' we are all expected to play when socialising, I really do.

specialmagiclady Sat 08-Nov-14 17:27:56

Yes but we play games because if we approach a man with a view to finding out if they are nice on the inside like they are on the outside, it is assumed that we are therefore up for sex. This could result in the same aggression/abuse when you decide actually you are only interested in a short chat/light flirtation etc.

I swear I have snogged boys because it is easier to do that than to get them to go away.

TravelinColour Sat 08-Nov-14 17:30:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuffinsAreFicticious Sat 08-Nov-14 17:38:08

They do it because they can, sadly. The aggression is meant to scare and worry you. The type of man that does this is seriously creepy, their sense of entitlement is overwhelming and they are best avoided at all costs. You saying no thank you is almost an affront to their masculinity, so their automatic reaction is aggression.

Really sorry it messed your evening up, but you are definitely not failing at anything, let alone feminism. He is failing at being a human being.

ApocalypseNowt Sat 08-Nov-14 17:42:07

Happened to me and when the bloke wouldn't take my polite 'no thank you' he proceeded to sit opposite me, calling me names and waving his hands about because i was ignoring him.

It was pretty intimidating but luckily i am good at staring into the middle distance so he gave up after a while and left. Also i couldn't be bothered moving away...i had a nice seat at a table and why the fuck should i move?! can see why people do though if feeling threatened

BertieBotts Sat 08-Nov-14 17:49:02

Talking to someone isn't playing a game. Aggression isn't an expected response for chatting to someone, that's ridiculous.

They do it because they are twats. It doesn't need analysing, they're just twats.

PacificDogwood Sat 08-Nov-14 17:56:43

Oh, no argument from me here: they are twats.

I quite often have no intention at all of finding out whether some random man is a potential suitable mate (as nice on the inside as on the outside), I may just want to chat. I have this idea that men and women can be friends and have no intention to play a game.
But the understanding usually is that is must be 'chatting up' when it's just 'chatting'.

Sorry, does not answer how to deal with aggression.
Yes, they are aggressive because they can. NAMALT though grin

redwarf Sat 08-Nov-14 19:45:16

i agree with bertie and dogwood. I guess some men dont want to 'lose face' in front of their twatish mates. These people are twats and act like such. Dont let the bastards grind ya down much easier said than done

BreakingDad77 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:52:25

What redwarf said, also some guys narcissm is off the chain, and can't believe they could be turned down.

I think men are generally more narcissistic than women and this also spills over to the workplace where men talk themselves up so much more than women do.

Though men do get the 'I'm such a nice guy, I'm not a player, why aren't women interested in me, but like my cocky mate who seems to be continually fu%^ing and chucking " bitterness. I must admit I did think like that in my early twenties, but as I got older realised i was just being silly.

Some guys may need gentle reminders, would they like their mum/daughter/cousin/niece spoken to like that when they out?

AnyFucker Mon 10-Nov-14 11:54:55

it doesn't make you less of a feminist to match aggression with aggression, it gets you hurt so you do right to not engage

DoctorTwo Mon 10-Nov-14 13:12:24

Really sorry it messed your evening up, but you are definitely not failing at anything, let alone feminism. He is failing at being a human being.

This what Puffins wrote is spot on.

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