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"too much of a bimbo to be a feminist"

(87 Posts)
JokersGiggle Sat 07-Jun-14 22:49:48

That's what my friend said to me.
She saw the book "everyday sexism" on my coffee table earlier and burst out laughing. I asked her what was funny and she said it was nothing, we carried on as normal then she left.
She's just emailed me saying "sweetie I saw your little feminist book earlier and I need to point something out to you - your too much of a bimbo to be a feminist! You wear makeup, have highlights, like to look good, didn't go to uni and you let your guy look after you"
i'm really hurt by this. Yes I like to look good as it make me happy. I didn't go to uni, I choose to work my way up in my career (and personally I think I've done well). Yes I do let dp take me out for dinner once or twice a week but that's because I cook each evening and as dp is a truely awful cook he like to take me out so im not cooking every night of the week as his contribution to food. And yes he does pay for more things than me but he earns quite a lot more than me so we devide bills in relation to salary rather than 50/50.
How do I explain that feminism isn't about how you look, who you are, what you do or how you've been educated; its a way of thinking and a way of life. I've tried but each draft email sounds either snobby or shows how much she's hurt me.
Can anyone help?

Lottiedoubtie Sun 08-Jun-14 10:50:58

I don't understand why she thinks she gets a say in your beliefs/lifestyle? It's a very odd approach. I'm sure there are lots of people in the world rude enough to think these types of things, but to be ignorant enough to text them to the person...twice... That's really bizarre behaviour.

JaneParker Sun 08-Jun-14 10:59:01

It sounds like she is deriding you for being a feminist (when in my view most people in the UK will at heart agree with feminism which is just equality under the law and fairness at home).

EasyWhiteChocolate Sun 08-Jun-14 11:02:38

I'd tell her to fuck off and leave it at that.

ToAvoidConversation Sun 08-Jun-14 11:14:00

I've had this before... You wear dresses and are married (and took your husbands name) therefore you are not a feminist.

Fuck off.

Maybe lend her your book?

JokersGiggle Sun 08-Jun-14 11:53:46

I've put my everyday sexism book through her door with a note saying
Have a read of this. my feminist beliefs mean a lot to me and the fact that you can not respect that speaks volumes about you.
I would not dare speak against your religion, what makes you think you can dismiss and be rude about my way of life?
Quite simply I do not want to associate with you until you can respect me and my views.
When your done with the book I would appreciate it if you could drop it back.

How was that? I wanted to write "fuck off you judgmental cow! Read the book and recognise the struggles of everyday women. Look outside your little bubble and see the suffering of women in other countries and our own "advanced" country. Until you know be a decent woman who knows how to respect other you can fuck right off.

But I thought that was a bit of the things I don't like about her is how viscous she can be, it would be a bit hypocritical to be viscous to her (I thought, but dp thinks I should have been more passionate and less "professional")

I miss my old friend but she's long gone sad

JokersGiggle Sun 08-Jun-14 11:56:19

Just seen that I've missed words and letters out! I wrote properly to her!

LoveSardines Sun 08-Jun-14 13:47:03

"little feminist book"????

She deserves to be ditched just for that.

She sounds like a nightmare. You know what, people do change, and she sounds awful now. Just because you used to get on with people doesn't mean you always have to. Even if it is a wrench because you have known them a long time.

From what you've said she sounds like a really horrible person so no loss if you call it quits. It's the dismissiveness, not a debate or conversation or a chat about it, but a patronising put down. Honestly she sounds grim.

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow Sun 08-Jun-14 14:34:10

Well done. She could do with a healthy dose of humility, maybe a read of Everyday Sexism will be a start.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Sun 08-Jun-14 16:05:32


Classy responses. Well done!

AskBasil Sun 08-Jun-14 16:12:43

Good for you JokersGiggle.

Thing about people like this is that they don't expect to be challenged on their behavior. Most of us ignore it, let it go, pretend it doesn't mean what it does, etc.

Well done for not doing that.


ballsballsballs Sun 08-Jun-14 17:15:21

Jokers, that's a great response. I hope she reads it.

CoreyTrevorLahey Sun 08-Jun-14 17:19:32

Fuck off is the only appropriate response, IMHO.

If she thinks she's a feminist and it's ok to denigrate you like that, she's very much mistaken.

JokersGiggle Sun 08-Jun-14 17:19:35

She's just put a diet book through my door with a note - babes if we're being honest you need this.

Cow. She knows i'm insecure about my weight.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Sun 08-Jun-14 17:21:01

Disengage! Disengage! She is a nasty nincompoop!

JokersGiggle Sun 08-Jun-14 17:29:49

Sigh, I hate that I still give people power over me! Why do I do it?!
i know that I won't have suddenly gained weight just cos someone gave me a diet book, so why did I just get on the scales to check?
This is what happens when little girls get called "fat" all the time.

Ifpigscouldfly Sun 08-Jun-14 17:37:00

This may not be the MN way..but Id be tempted to put dog shit through her letter box for that.
Seriously ditch this nasty woman.

CaptChaos Sun 08-Jun-14 17:39:44

What a horror!

Ignore from now on, who the fuck needs a person like that in their lives?

JokersGiggle Sun 08-Jun-14 17:41:25

Why are all my "friends" turning into nutters? Well only 2, but loosing 2 female friends in 4 months is odd....

KneesoftheBee Sun 08-Jun-14 17:44:05

She clearly enjoys putting you and other people down. That will be because she sees herself lacking in some way (but would never admit it).

She is not a friend, she is an ignorant bully.

If you never see or speak to her again, it will be too soon.

tribpot Sun 08-Jun-14 17:46:27

From this comment Since being married she's stopped working, has become obsessed with little trivial things like her coat being the EXACT shade of beige, the coffee being from the same place in Arabia, and if we eat out then God help the people serving us! I assume her husband shares a lot of these traits and she's basically just reflecting his own personality back to him? (And everyone else).

There's a woman who's going to learn the value of feminism the hard way. And if she really wrote your too much of a bimbo to be a feminist! she's going to need to learn to spell, too.

Sounds like your friend has gone into some kind of Stepford Twilight Zone. Ah well. Her loss.

moonfacebaby Sun 08-Jun-14 17:49:15

Jesus, what a fucking bitch!

That was just unbelievably nasty - she sounds horrendous & tbh, she won't have many friends left before long if she treats them like this.

You sound lovely Op - you deserve better than that vile skank...

JokersGiggle Sun 08-Jun-14 17:57:18

Dp has just pointed out that I've only been loosing friends since starting my new job.......oh well, I love my job and i'm better off without them.

AskBasil Sun 08-Jun-14 18:05:15

Wow. She's a seriously nasty woman isn't she.

The advantage of her doing this, is that she's confirmed what a horrible person she is and she's also confirmed that she has no interest in being your friend so you can ditch her without a backward glance. Any remaining doubts you might have had, have been well and truly dispelled.

I might be tempted to ask for my book back though.

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow Sun 08-Jun-14 18:32:33

Send your DH to collect your book, then block and delete. Also block her number. She's an awful cunt.

elfycat Sun 08-Jun-14 18:54:23

Some friendships turn out to be merely good aquaintances. The difference is that true friendship can last through any number of life changes, while the lesser cousins have a limiting factor.

Perhaps your new job has ended a chapter in your life and some reason they are unable to go to the next part with you. You may not fit into the box they needed to have you in.

With this friend I suspect your job and 'feminism' is challenging her and making her uncomfortable. If she's changed since marrying then she might be losing herself in her new role, and doesn't like you finding yourself in yours. Being a total cow about it (the diet book shock ) is her choice of course, but she's possibly retaliating against an attack to her inner self.

Pity her and move on.

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