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What do you do in this situation?

(21 Posts)
WawaSkittletits Wed 12-Mar-14 10:09:33

I've met someone recently that I've been getting along with fairly well. Last night though he slipped something into the conversation that left me speechless. I generally tend to wear vintage-type dresses, its just the style I like, I've not thought about it much. He brought up that he likes that sort of 'classy style' and its not like 'the sluts I see walking about my town in boob tubes and short skirts or perma-tanned bimbo trollops'. I was quite shocked and couldn't muster up a response in time before the conversation changed.

Its really been playing on my mind though and I cant stand remarks like that.
Yes I like dressing in this style, but I also bloody love being able to go out an wear whatever I like, no matter how short it is! I'm a firm believer that a woman should be able to dress however she likes and sleep with whoever she likes without being called names like that.

How do you gently educate someone you don't know very well on the fact that this is a damaging and sexist way to think without coming across like your angrily preaching?

BuffytheReasonableFeminist Wed 12-Mar-14 10:24:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TunipTheUnconquerable Wed 12-Mar-14 10:25:47

Just accept that he's an arsehole and let the friendship go.

LRDtheFeministDragon Wed 12-Mar-14 10:54:07

Yeah, sorry, I think that would be a dealbreaker for me if he were just someone I'd got chatting to and liked.

It's not just what he's saying, it's the fact he's assuming you'll be obscurely flattered by it, which is creepy.

I reckon if he thinks like that, he'll say something else before long and you'll be more ready to respond to that.

grimbletart Wed 12-Mar-14 11:24:29

I would run a mile from any man who referred to a woman as a slut.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist Wed 12-Mar-14 11:29:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WawaSkittletits Wed 12-Mar-14 11:40:55

Thanks for your opinions. I think I will just phase him out. I worry that if I bring it up that he will just go along with it to impress me but secretly still hold onto his original values. I will bring it up with him if he notices that I'm backing away.

MadamBatShit Wed 12-Mar-14 11:47:15

I don't know if you can gently educate someone on this point tbh. In your phrasing it like this, do you express disbelief that it can be part of his core beliefs to see women as sluts? He did not use a derogatory word once but went all out with the bimbo trollops as well.

To me that would mean some deeply unpleasant viewpoints that I would not be able to overlook. I don't see them as an isolated thing either, usually they are tied up with views on how people should behave, how the world should be in a more general way as well.

If if was emotionally invested,I might find it worth to have a strong discussion or argument about it. Not a gentle education (which might give off a faint whiff of moral superiority as well..) but a heartfelt discussion.

'You know what you said the other day? I've been thinking and I am actually hurt and angry about it. Want to know why?

something like that.

MadamBatShit Wed 12-Mar-14 11:48:25

... ah,too late. Slow me. blush

TunipTheUnconquerable Wed 12-Mar-14 11:49:17

I agree Madam.
Something that struck me in the OP was the phrase, 'without coming across like your angrily preaching'.

Well, this guy deserves to be angrily preached at! As women we're so conditioned into wanting to be liked and not annoying anyone that we sometimes make it impossible for ourselves to say the things we want and need to say.

WawaSkittletits Wed 12-Mar-14 11:58:21

Not too late! Its all very helpful to me. I've come across situations like this in the past and I'm sure I will come across them in the future too.

I think what I struggle with is that it was said in such a calm manner and used in conjunction with a strange compliment. If he had brought it up another way it might have been easier for me to confront him on it.

TunipTheUnconquerable Wed 12-Mar-14 11:59:51

Yes, it sounds like one of those situations where it doesn't quite sink in until later!

DebbieOfMaddox Wed 12-Mar-14 12:04:49

If someone has "sluts" and "bimbo trollops" as part of his regular vocabulary then he is not good relationship material. Or good anything material, really, but relationship material is the relevant part here.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist Wed 12-Mar-14 12:05:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happybubblebrain Wed 12-Mar-14 12:15:34

I wouldn't waste another minute of my life with someone like that. Just tell him that. People need to learn sometimes.

MadamBatShit Wed 12-Mar-14 12:25:50

You are raising good points Buffy.
I did not mean to make it sound easy as I do realise that it isn't.

And it does matter what the guy means to you. If he is just someone you get on with ok but there nothing much going to happen anyway and it's no big deal if he fades back out of your life then I would also not bother.

For me there's no way he could be a lover or partner, just not possible. Friend maybe but then having some serious redeeming qualities, I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?

KerryKatonasKhakis Wed 12-Mar-14 12:35:07

I think his opinion is sadly very, very common.

And I agree with the previous poster who said he expects you to be flattered by it. You should be pleased you are not classed as a bimbo or a slut in his incredibly important opinion hmm

My H made a few comments once about how he liked that I didn't wear much make up and he hates to see women 'overdoing the slap'. It took a while to sink in that, while he meant it as a compliment to me, he was actually putting other women down (women, who are only trying to look their best, fgs). This was before I knew much about feminism but I worked out why it bothered me, we talked about it and he does get it now.

Never used the words slut and bimbo. I think there's a difference to being unthinking and being casually malicious.

MrsCakesPremonition Wed 12-Mar-14 12:37:10

His opinion is repellent and the language he used to express it is offensive.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist Wed 12-Mar-14 12:54:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeggySausage Wed 12-Mar-14 14:28:14

you can't "educate" a misogynist wanker. Gently or otherwise.

If he threw out a really racist or homophobic term would you bother to try and educate him?

It's super creepy he saw this as a compliment to you..

I'd have probably fluttered my eye lids and said "ooh thanks for not thinking I'm a slutty bimbo whore" and walked away hmm confused

GarthsUncle Wed 12-Mar-14 18:46:24

You're right, Veggy. If you were Jewish, OP (which you may be!) and he said, "oh, thanks for getting the drinks in, you're so different to .,. (insert offensive Jewish stereotype here)" then you'd probably feel less inclined to gently educate!

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