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"It's different for girls" :-(

(34 Posts)
HoneyDragon Tue 04-Mar-14 10:07:00

Dd (4) smashed her chin on the bath on Thursday. By the time I got home dh had calmed her down and dressed it, as the bleeding had slowed down, I figured rather than risk it bleeding again by looking at, I'd take her into our local GP in the morning, rather than A&E 20 miles away at 9pm.

Checked in the morning, it was a lot wider than we'd realised it so took her in, and they steri stripped it together.

Had the dressing off today, and replaced. Nurses said it could've done with a stitch at the time, although as it was her chin the scar wouldn't be that visible.

I made the comment that we had similar with her brother and decided that a scar on his ear was probably better than the pain and distress having it stitched would cause, and that turned out ok.

That's when I got "well it's different for girls".

I KNOW it was a throw away comment. But I now feel like shit sad

Poledra Tue 04-Mar-14 10:12:38

Why do you feel shit? Because other people value your daughter for her looks rather than herself?

chattychattyboomba Tue 04-Mar-14 10:18:25

My husband has a giant scar on his chin. He can grow hair over it. I couldn't. Plus it makes him look tough, like a pirate (aarrr)
I know it sounds like she was probably saying girls' appearance is more important 'to society' but maybe she might think you little girl will care more about a scar than your little boy would in the long run?
Bit of a generalisation. Don't get too upset over it. Lots of people have this old fashioned mentality. Just ignore.

neiljames77 Tue 04-Mar-14 10:19:35

You know what lads are like though. A lot of them would see a scar as a badge of honour, something to show their mates. It's nothing for you to feel bad about.

Goblinchild Tue 04-Mar-14 10:20:00

Exactly, do you think she's right?
Or do you still think that it was worth avoiding the stress and fear she might have felt at being stitched?
I'd be irritated rather than feeling like shit, you made a judgement call with your DD as the priority.

HoneyDragon Tue 04-Mar-14 10:22:38

I think that's it Poledora. My head knows that it's pish, but I feel like I should have considered other people's perception of her gender.

It was a non issue. It still is a non issue. But now I feel bad because someones made me feel like it is an issue.

There is no logic to it what so ever. Especially over a small scar on a chin.

HoneyDragon Tue 04-Mar-14 10:25:33

I think it's got to me because it's MY daughter iykwim? So I'm not necessarily as sensible. It irritated me at the time, but then it made me feel bad .... As if I wasn't considering my daughters future by choosing not to put her through the stress of A&E and a stitch for something that clearly wasn't an emergency hmm

I'm really quite cross at myself.

neiljames77 Tue 04-Mar-14 10:32:23

Even with a stitch it could/would still leave a scar but she'd also have the distress and discomfort of having the stitch done.

chattychattyboomba Tue 04-Mar-14 10:33:47

In your position I would have done the same for my DD. Avoid distressing her if after weighing it up meant that she would only have a small scar. You sound like a loving mum. No one would think you had anything but her best interests at heart.

Goblinchild Tue 04-Mar-14 10:36:11

And the wait in A&E.
DS still remembers waiting over 4 hours to have his knee stitched, and that was over a decade ago, they gave me a pad and told me to keep pressure on the extensive wound that needed three stitches. For four hours.

sleepyhead Tue 04-Mar-14 10:46:06

We loved comparing scars at school, boys and girls. I was mightly pissed off that mine were so crappily insignificant.

In fact when ds1 had surgery on his arm recently, dh & I spent ages rooting around for scars from various childhood injuries to show him (and compare with each other). When I told a female friend about this, we spent another 10 minutes comparing our childhood scars.

It's different for girls if people make a big deal about it being different. You sound like you're spot on in realising it's not a big deal.

HoneyDragon Tue 04-Mar-14 11:08:49

See, this is the sense I need.

I actually wonder if the way dd looks influenced this opinion. She's your typical Shirly Temple example of a pre schooler aesthetically. Blonde cork screw curls, bright blue eyes.

Perhaps because of how she looks now, the assumption us made she may care if she gets a scar, because she meets a Western ideal of "pretty"

I'm happy. She's happy, and it's a minor gash on her chin. Thank for reminding me that others attitudes need adjusting not mine grin

Poledra Tue 04-Mar-14 11:11:13

Right, so we've established you're not being sensible grin. You're having a visceral reaction to the idea placed into your head that you didn't do the best thing for your child. But you did. She didn't have a stitch, she'd probably have a scar either way and nobody will notice it anyway. FWIW, DD2 has a scar at the side of her mouth from when she decided that polishing the tarmac with her face was a better idea than staying on her scooter. I can see it, other people might notice it when the light's right. Am I a bad parent for letting her scoot over bumpy ground? Nope - and I don't think it would be different if she were a boy. Did I feel like shit when she did it, as I was unable to stop it happening? Oh yes indeedy I did. So have a brew, some cake and a [grip] <joke>

After all, this is the child you dyed blue, isn't it? You won't be able to see anything under the Smurfskin... <ducks and runs>

BuffytheReasonableFeminist Tue 04-Mar-14 11:12:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UptoapointLordCopper Tue 04-Mar-14 12:55:31

What's this about dying the child blue? << nosey >> grin

I have a scar on my right eyebrow. Nobody has ever noticed. (Or said they noticed.) There was a lot of blood when it happened, I remember.

DS2 chipped his tooth when playing outdoors. Dentist and I agreed that we should just plonk them in front of the telly rather than letting them do dangerous things like playing outside. grin

And I agree with Buffy - the nurse should not say what she did. Harrumph on your behalf.

CaptChaos Tue 04-Mar-14 13:08:35

Yup, agree that the nurse was wrong in what she said.

I'm covered in scars. I had a wonderfully misspent childhood, climbing trees, riding horses, getting into all sorts of scrapes and doing all sorts of stupid things. Apart from the ones my mother gave me, I can look at every one of them and tell a story about something daft and smile.

gleegeek Tue 04-Mar-14 13:21:35

Scars are evidence of an exciting childhood IMO. I have a scar right in the middle of my forehead after going through a window, scars on my chin from a car accident and a chicken pox hole on my eyebrow (and various others too numerous to count). I don't care in the least about them, I'm just grateful a. that mum didn't wrap me in cotton wool and b. that no-one cared more or less because I was a girl. They are just war wounds!

Hope your dd isn't too sore now. Ignore the nurse and her ignorant comment.

HypodeemicNerdle Tue 04-Mar-14 13:31:41

Just to add my story, I split my chin open twice within 18 months in my mid teens. Mine was steri stripped back together both times. I have a scar but it's really not obvious and hasn't been since the spectacular bruising went away and I healed.
Because of its location no one notices it, the only annoying thing is I grow a thick black hair out of the scar area but that's not necessarily the scars fault grin
Sounds like the nurse wasn't really thinking

HoneyDragon Tue 04-Mar-14 13:36:48

Oh she already has a slightly grey tooth due to head butting the rocking horse.

Dentist had the attitude that it demonstrated a happy and adventurous childhood smile

The currently gashed dd is one who also ended up stained blue due to a colouring in incident.

I posted on here for help. Photos were demanded. I got little in the way of actual help, but cheered up an awful lot of Mnetters.

It's also the same dd I inadvertently made by bald when I accidentally immacced her as a baby.

On hindsight, a small scar is the least of the things the nurse should have been concerned about. hmm

UptoapointLordCopper Tue 04-Mar-14 13:54:53

"a colouring in incident." grin

My DC turned themselves into little oompa-lompas during their mix-all-the-colours-together phase. I only turned my head for a second.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist Tue 04-Mar-14 14:03:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kentishgirl Tue 04-Mar-14 14:10:46

I think we've all got a little scar or two from our childhood.

It all adds to our character. :-)

Poledra Tue 04-Mar-14 16:11:03

Buffy - I threaten my DCs with a wire brush and dettol when they do mad stuff like draw robots all over their legs in marker pen... grin

ChunkyPickle Tue 04-Mar-14 16:51:56

Scars are definitely character whether on a boy or girl smile

Polehdra - I'm the opposite - I tell them they can draw on their skin or paper, just as long as they don't draw on the (rented) walls.

NiceTabard Tue 04-Mar-14 21:49:43

Ah well there's 2 things here.

One is (I'm guessing as I had the same) the first time your child falls over and actually has a proper deep scarry cut. DD1 did teh bridge of her nose when she was 2.5. It was gaping. My family who had some medical background said don't worry about it then later said hmm maybe she should have had a stitch. It did have a scar, which was noticable. That made me feel sad and like I should have done x, but I did y, and it was fine, BUT.

Anyway she is 7 now and you can't see it at all! Little one's skin is very plastic.

On the second point, I have had huge scars up my legs since I was a child, maybe 60 stitches each side? I was unapologetic and wore skirts and stuff. Can't say it ever had a negative impact on anything if you, um, get my drift wink

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