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Partner's wishes v. your independance, your views wanted...

(40 Posts)
jungletoes Tue 04-Feb-14 16:06:38

Just pondering really. Planning a night out at weekend, drinking and dancing, with girl friends. DH has said he doesn't like the idea of me out late dancing, short party dress etc and thinks I may invite male attention. Don't get me wrong, he's not saying "I'm not to go" or "over my dead body" etc, just airing his views.

So, when does considering your partner's feelings become compromising our freedoms as equals??

Pootles2010 Tue 04-Feb-14 16:10:28

He's already compromising your freedom.

Does he go out? I can't believe he's worrying about you 'attracting male attention' angry

pictish Tue 04-Feb-14 16:12:07

What do I think?
I think he should keep his caveman opinions to himself.

tribpot Tue 04-Feb-14 16:16:04

WTF is 'invite male attention'? I imagine that you will probably will be the recipient of some male attention as most women in a night club will at some point. That doesn't mean you're inviting it, it just means night clubs are a place people go to hook up, among other things. Like drinking, dancing and having fun with their mates.

Do you express similar views when he goes out? I would have thought statistically he was at greater risk (of violence, rather than 'inviting female attention') than you are on a night out.

whatdoesittake48 Tue 04-Feb-14 16:17:22

it is odd to me that men often suggest that "other men" are not to be trusted and yet fail to see that this could be applied to themselves as well.

i think it is a ruse to cover up the fact that they don't trust us. because the fact is that a million men could come on to me on an evening out and it is entirely my choice if I take them up on their offer. The control is in our hands (obviously in a consensual setting), so they simply don't trust the fact that we can look after ourselves and that we have a moral compass.

it seems to me that they honestly expect that we will simply fall into bed with the first person who compliments us or looks at our legs in a short skirt...

Either that or they think all men are not to be trusted and what does that say about how they feel about themselves.

NeoFaust Tue 04-Feb-14 16:19:32

So, when does considering your partner's feelings become compromising our freedoms as equals?

When they don't abide by the same principles. If you make a concession to his feelings now, but he doesn't do the same himself later, that's unequal. If you go out, even though he'd prefer it if you didn't, but later on prevent him from going out because you don't feel good about it, that's unequal.

If this is the first time this sort of conflict (trying to find a softer word, but can't) has arisen, you have the opportunity between the two of you to establish precedent for the future.

slug Tue 04-Feb-14 16:20:24

"Over My Dead Body"

The only answer to that is to ask him how he would like to produce his dead body. Knife? Poison? Rope? Then offer to fetch if for him.

jungletoes Tue 04-Feb-14 17:40:10

Thanks for your replies. I agree with the view, being expressed by you guys, that he should trust me as I trust him. TBH when I go out, even it I'm dressed with some flesh on show, I get no/little male attention. I'm too busy dancing and laughing with my mates to notice anyone else and I'm definitely not a natural flirt. If I was in a disco where it was a bit of a meat-market I'd probably leave as it's not my thing.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 04-Feb-14 17:42:18

DH has said he doesn't like the idea of me out late dancing, short party dress etc

If those are the kinds of views he thinks need to be aired, then he's clearly thinks his wishes matter more than your independence.

How do you feel knowing that someone who is supposed to love you doesn't like the idea of you having fun?

ArtetasSwollenAnkle Tue 04-Feb-14 17:50:32

Tell him you will give his views some thought as you are shaking your ass on the dance floor.

freyasnow Tue 04-Feb-14 17:52:33

I would consider his feelings by reassuring him that you are not interested in male attention, and that if you receive any, you will handle it, as you presumably did before meeting him.

I would then tell him that you intend to go out with friends dancing etc for the rest of your life, because you enjoy it. Then ask him not to raise concerns about it again, because he will make your relaxation time into a point of conflict, which is not relaxing at all.

Sorry, but your partner is controlling and this is not an equal relationship.

"when does considering your partner's feelings become compromising our freedoms as equals?"

- When the result is that you don't have equal rights.
- When you are compromising who you are in order to placate them
- When you're compromising on something that isn't actually hurting anybody or doing any harm

As a rough guide, at least.

The problem as well, is that truly controlling people don't ever outright forbid their partners from doing things, they just make them feel so uncomfortable or guilty about doing it that it doesn't seem worth it any more. Therefore, they've managed to instil that control without appearing to have done anything wrong. But it IS wrong.

JeanSeberg Tue 04-Feb-14 17:56:27

No way would I be someone who said anything other than "Have a great time" when I was off out.

Does he express any other disapproving comments?

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 04-Feb-14 18:57:17

I would consider his feelings by reassuring him that he could fuck off with his "views" about how I spent my time.

Branleuse Tue 04-Feb-14 19:08:12

I'd discuss it more with him, and find out why he was feeling insecure.

JeanSeberg Tue 04-Feb-14 19:43:01

Thanks for your replies. I agree with the view, being expressed by you guys, that he should trust me as I trust him. TBH when I go out, even it I'm dressed with some flesh on show, I get no/little male attention. I'm too busy dancing and laughing with my mates to notice anyone else and I'm definitely not a natural flirt. If I was in a disco where it was a bit of a meat-market I'd probably leave as it's not my thing.

You're already feeling the need to justify yourself...

KerryKatonasKhakis Tue 04-Feb-14 19:57:07

This has reminded me of a horrible relationship I had; I've actually turned red because I'm so angry on behalf of my younger self! He had me convinced it was my fault that he had to be so jealous and possessive angry

I think you know you shouldn't have to justify/explain/reassure etc.

That's not healthy.

Has this sort of thing come up before? How long have you been together?

It usually starts with small comments and gets worse IME

crikeybill Tue 04-Feb-14 20:04:18

The problem as well, is that truly controlling people don't ever outright forbid their partners from doing things, they just make them feel so uncomfortable or guilty about doing it that it doesn't seem worth it any more. Therefore, they've managed to instil that control without appearing to have done anything wrong. But it IS wrong

Omg this is my husband.
I don't go anywhere. Ever. We've been together 23 years and I think I want to leave but I'm so controlled I'm scared to even make that decision. He never ever tells me I can't do things, even tells me to go out, do what makes you happy, do what you like etc but I can't. The sulking, the atmosphere, the suspicion isn't worth it. I haven't been out for 13 years on my own.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 04-Feb-14 20:05:52

Jesus, crikey sad

Have you thought about calling Women's Aid?

scottishmummy Tue 04-Feb-14 20:06:07

I most certainly don't pontificate dp feeling about my social activities.or seek permission
You should be able to go out dressed as you wish without him commenting
And if you do get attention,as an adult you'll be able to deal with it

So do you curtail his social time out?do you fret about female attention

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 04-Feb-14 20:07:16

Why doesn't he trust you?

Tell him even if you were to get an offer it doesn't mean you can't help but take your knickers off hmm.

EirikurNoromaour Tue 04-Feb-14 20:08:47

You going out snt something he needs to have an opinion on, so his wishes are irrelevant IMO. If you were a problem drinker who behaved in inappropriate ways when out then possibly, but just the fact of going out where there will be men - no.

scottishmummy Tue 04-Feb-14 20:12:43

In equal uncomplicated relationships there is mutual respect and negotiation
Eg please let me know what time you'll be home ok
Can you come in quietly I've got work in morning sure thing

Yama Tue 04-Feb-14 20:16:58

I'm not sure how to word this. Dh's feelings do matter. However, the only feelings he tends to have about me having a night out are that he hopes I have a good time. Being that he loves me.

I'm extremely uncomfortable with the phrase 'invite male attention'.

Did anybody see this ad which ran over Christmas? I thought it was very good. thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/videos/view/19/abuse-in-relationships-isn%E2%80%99t-always-physical

(Trigger warning for EA, if that wasn't evident. Ladies who are worried their partner might be like this may want to view when he isn't around.)

My ex was the same. It was fucking awful. I thought it was just his insecurity - but whatever I did to "prove" myself, however long I stayed faithful his trust never seemed to build up, if anything he got more paranoid. I couldn't live with it in the end. DH is so different, when I go out he tells me I look nice, and tells me to have a good time. When I get back he will sometimes laugh (in a friendly/genuinely amused, not nasty way) if I'm a bit drunk or he'll just ask if I had a good time and be genuinely interested. He never enquires about how many men there were there or who I spoke to or who I danced with. He doesn't text me during the evening unless I text him first or there's something important that he needs to ask me. He doesn't tell me what time to be back (unless he had to go somewhere). Yes he'd probably worry if I stayed out all night but his immediate concern would be that something had happened to me, rather than that I had got off with somebody. I have male friends, I have private conversations with them that he doesn't blink at (nothing scandalous, just private like a conversation with any friend is fairly private) which took me ages to get used to, BTW.

XP, last I heard, is still the same - a mutual friend told me she witnessed him laying into his (rather new) girlfriend because a barman looked at her. They don't change, unfortunately.

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