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The Feminist Pub (continued).

(1000 Posts)
UptoapointLordCopper Sat 23-Nov-13 20:02:19

Been busy. Came back today to have a look but the Pub thread was full! shock Shall we continue here?

Third episode of Borgen on tonight. smile

MummyBeerest Mon 25-Nov-13 03:37:36

Sorry for the delayed response. ..had a long discussion with DH.

So, I'm a SAHM to a 15 mo DD. She is still bf though we are slowly weaning. Dh works long hours at a job 45 minutes away from home. Most of the mum and baby friends we made have all gone back to work after their mat leave.

I love being at home with DD. But I'm bored. When DH is home, he just wants to eat and go to bed. On the weekend, we run errands together. Unless we go to weddings, DH and I don't go out. My friends are scattered around and all have busy lives.

I want a hobby. One just for me so I can feel like an individual, not just mummy.

He said "But you're so busy with DD. You won't have any time."

I am pissed. I've struggled this year with PND, moving, and general toddlerhood craziness.

Instead of being supportive, he tells me not to even bother because "being a parent is a full-time job."

Well fucking duh, but does that mean I can't do anything for myself ever again?

So I ask you...AIBU?

TheDoctrineOfWho Mon 25-Nov-13 06:13:24

If being a parent is a full time job, when is he doing it?

He has a full time job, but not a 24/7 job.

If you don't go out at weekends, can you do something on a Saturday morning after the morning feed. Just go to a cafe and read to start with, if you can't find a class or something,

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 07:31:49

Gawd, mummybeerest, Yanbu. I know how time consuming a 15mth old bf baby is - I remember it well! But you are entitled to some time for yourself.

MummyBeerest Mon 25-Nov-13 08:19:38

Thank you!

The most frustrating thing is that whenever I say I'm going to do something, just myself-I.e. go for a walk to pick up something-it's always "oh, we can do that as a family.

I don't even get to go pee by myself! It always amazes me that whenever I'm in the bathroom, he and DD are "just playing in the hallway."

I feel like I'm being selfish as he clearly wants to do things together, but for ffs.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 11:33:01

I think you need to have a nice conversation with him, mummy.

You spend all your time with your dd - but you do need some time to yourself. He goes off to work and probably doesn't realise just how draining it can be looking after a toddler all the time. He should also be used to looking after dd on his own...actually, do you think that's the problem?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 11:37:30

Just posting this for a laff: What happened when an MRA tried to play with the big girls

Thought the feminist pub-goers might appreciate it grin

UptoapointLordCopper Mon 25-Nov-13 15:11:34

MummyBeerest You need some head space. smile Did you see the hobby thread a while ago? What do you like doing?

TheDoctrineOfWho Mon 25-Nov-13 17:20:06

"No, I want to go by myself" is a complete sentence....

What's the longest he's ever been in sole charge, mummy?

MummyBeerest Mon 25-Nov-13 18:41:18

Thank you again all! Sabrina I actually laughed out loud at that!

He is soo used to me being the one doing all the childcare. He's a good dad, just different in parenting style. He's more of the "kids are kids, let her be" type whereas I probably chat her ear off way too much. He often tells me I'm too soft on her, but seriously, whehn I'm the one with her all day, what would he do better?

I went out in the evening twice last week. He came straight home and took over. But he was very incredulous about doing so TWICE IN ONE WEEK.

As cliche as it is, I love writing. I used to write for hours. I'd do it daily, go to parks, museums, wherever and enjoy the views and write. I'm just asking for his help to find time to do so.

"We have a baby. We don't have time for much anymore. "--> actual quote.

Really? When you can go through an entire t.v. series on weekends, I can't go out for a fucking walk?

Sorry.I'm just so pissed off.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 19:02:43

It's great isn't it mummy? V funny - the marvellous Gia Milinovich pwning a painfully young Mra (makes me sad that someone so young can have such hateful ideas already - you should see the rest of his twitter feed).

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 19:03:50

Oh, and yes, you should be able to take some time to walk and write at the weekends - you should have roughly the same amount of 'leisure' time as your dh.

Blistory Mon 25-Nov-13 19:22:52

I've had it with blaming the patriarchy. Can I just name my problem and admit that it is actually men ? It's all very well blaming a system for how we all are but how about men accepting responsibility and recognising that the systems continues to exist simply for the fact that it suits them for it to do so and that it's not in their interests to change it?

Can you tell I've just come from a meeting that I chaired and despite the agenda clearly setting out my ideas and proposals, not once was I listened to by the other parties present (8 men, 2 women incl me). Talked over, ignored, was handed a coat with a 'hang that up won't you pet', my ideas ignored and then some bright spark with a penis points out that several of MY ideas might have merit and all of a sudden he's congratulated for his vision and innovation. I have several of these stakeholder events this week - I'm sick of it after just one.

No, I'm not going to take your coat - there is a coatstand beside you
No, I'm not going to get you a coffee - I believe the machine is equally capable of being operated by a man
No, I'm not here to take the minutes
No, I don't have golf umbrellas to hand out, they are too big for me to handle so not surprisingly I bought corporate umbrellas that can be operated by all - it won't make you less of a man to use a sensibly sized umbrella.
And yes, it is my name over the door, there is no husband/father/chairman ready to walk in and take credit.

I want the credit but heaven forbid that I, as a woman, can say that out loud.

Anyone else for vodka ?

TheDoctrineOfWho Mon 25-Nov-13 19:34:14

It's not a cliche, it's part if who you are and what you love.

Yes, there is less time, but not no time.

UptoapointLordCopper Mon 25-Nov-13 19:53:50

" about men accepting responsibility and recognising that the systems continues to exist simply for the fact that it suits them for it to do so and that it's not in their interests to change it?"

I accused some of my colleagues of that recently ...

It felt great! I'm sick of being fucking nice. No more. I'm simply not going to be the only one who is upset. I'm going to spread it about a bit. wink

TheDoctrineOfWho Mon 25-Nov-13 20:25:27

LordCopper, POAT are busy reclaiming "strident" to mean passionate, forceful, unapologetic. I like it.

UptoapointLordCopper Mon 25-Nov-13 20:47:06

What is POAT? confused But I'm definitely all for passionate, forceful and unapologetic.

So my book talks about gender schema: our intuitive hypotheses about the behaviours, traits, and preferences of men and women, boys and girls. In our gender schema, women are generally considered nurturant, and men considered instrumental. She tried to come up with a reason how this came about, and thought that it is possible that because women have babies and physically nurture them (this is a sex difference between men and women), we make a mental leap and consider women as therefore metaphorically nurturing. One single sex difference leads to and amplifies others.

What do you think about that?

It is profoundly depressing - that means that if we start from scratch, we would probably end up like this again ...

grimbletart Mon 25-Nov-13 22:11:41

Blistory - I think you have just been a living example of this….

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 22:40:24

Ok wine all round.

I have a spanking new twitter account - with zero followers - please help me not be a sad feminist and follow me!! I've asked MN of anything before - follow me pls!! So I don't look like a norma-no-mates. grin Ta.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 22:45:23

Oops sorry - here's he link... Here!! Follow me! Get me some friends!! Ta.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 22:49:21

I've got a follower! Thank you! Hurrah! <mwah mwah> twitter's more scary than FB...

scallopsrgreat Mon 25-Nov-13 22:49:27

I've followed Sabrina wine

MummyBeerest, nothing you've said sounds remotely unreasonable. He is assuming childcare is to be done by you, even when you are both there. And how can you be too soft on a 15 mth old? It sounds like you are just more attuned to her.

Blistory, that sounds horrendous, but familiar. Although I haven't had it all happen in one meeting, thankfully.

scallopsrgreat Mon 25-Nov-13 22:50:16

Does this pub have cheese? Cheese and wine mmmmm.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 25-Nov-13 23:11:30

<whispers> and another! Thank you - more please - anyone on twitter please follow me. I'll follow you back, and I've done a spiffing storify of Gia Milinovich's Oppression Olympics - it's all good smile

scallopsrgreat Mon 25-Nov-13 23:14:05

Oh cool! I loved that. The guy didn't know what had hit him!

TheDoctrineOfWho Mon 25-Nov-13 23:15:23

POAT is poster(s) on another thread.

At least, I think it is...

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