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Age of consent/average age to loose virginity, feminist issue?

(137 Posts)
misspontypine Tue 05-Nov-13 21:20:51

I don't venture over to the feminism topics often, please excuse me if I am asking an inapropriate question.

I have recently been reading a few threads on AIBU that talk about age of consent/average age for young people to have sex.

My mum brought me up in a feminist enviroment(sinle mother, no dresses, no barbie (or girls toys/boys toys), lots of positive talk about the power of having periods/fertility/babies me and my brother were allways treated exactly the same)

I was allowed to have my long term boyfriend sleep over in my bed when I was 13/14 years old. We decided to have sex a week before I turned 15. I feel like from a feminist perspective it was right to empower me to be able to make my own sexual decisions.

I was taught that my opinin was very important, no ment no, sexuality was not something to be ashamed off, as a woman you have huge power becuase you are ultimatly in controll of contraception and if any children are born (through unprotected sex or protected sex) you as a woman have autoatic right over those children (it was the 90s.)

Is it right to tell young women (or men) to wait untill they are 16 to have sex despite people reaching sexual maturity at all different ages?

AlexaChelsea Tue 05-Nov-13 21:24:30

I think it is right to have a legal age of consent, for child protection reasons.

I think it falls down when the male is held accountable for sleeping with an underage girl, when she consented. Because, by the law, she can't consent when under 16, therefore he is guilty.

And that's not fair. Unless the male is considerably older.

AlexaChelsea Tue 05-Nov-13 21:28:12

If the boy is over 16 and the girl is under, is it sexual assault.

If the girl is over 16 and the boy is under, it is indecent assault.

I don't agreed with the differentiation

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Nov-13 21:33:36

Your Mum allowed your boyfriend to sleep in your bed when you were a 13 year old child?

Were you taking contraception at that time?

What if you'd both decided there and then to have sex?

Branleuse Tue 05-Nov-13 21:33:41

I like your mums approach tbh

misspontypine Tue 05-Nov-13 21:45:38

I wasn't taking contraception but I had condoms in my room.

I felt like being allowed to have my boyfriend sleep in my room made sex much less taboo.

I think that accepting that wanting to have sex is a natural instinct and giving your daughter the power to choose when she does or doesn't have sex sends a much more powerful message than "no sex until your 16, why? Because tge law says so"

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 05-Nov-13 21:47:50

I think your mother was very, very misguided. I don't call that feminism, I call that reckless parenting.

freyasnow Tue 05-Nov-13 21:48:23

I think this thread has immediately gone into two actual issues. One is the law, and it is written into the law that it is not intended to criminalise close in age relationships - 15 and 17 for example. I have no idea what the difference is between indecent and sexual assault. Is there a link to these laws? I don't understand how intercourse with a child is sexual assault anyway. Surely it is rape?

As for the OP's actual question, there are loads of issues with this. The first be why would a 14 year old want to have penetrative sex? How can that decision be made without your mum talking to you about compulsory heteronormativity and why penetrative sex is viewed as the norm?

I think it is the wrong decision for anyone who is of an age (certainly under 17) where pregnancy carries much higher physiological risks because their body hasn't finished developing, for them to have PIV sex unless they have a very good reason for doing so. How are you empowered by that?

freyasnow Tue 05-Nov-13 21:51:21

I don't think it is a natural instinct for a 14 year old girl to want to have sex. How is it natural?

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Nov-13 21:52:54


A 13yr old girl sad

Two children, trusted to get putting a condom on right in the possible throws of passion?

And don't even start me on what the hell she was thinking allowing you both in the same bed to begin with.

"Mummy, can I have my boyfriend to stay and possibly have sex tonight?"

"No darling"

"Why not Mummy?"

Err...because you're a 13 year old child that's why...

AlexaChelsea Tue 05-Nov-13 21:54:28

freya feel free to google it. Close in age relationships aren't exempt, but less likely to get prosecuted. But they could be.

There was a case recently where a girl was prosecuted for sleeping with her girlfriend - I think they were 15 and 18. The parents of the younger girl pushed for prosecution.

I had sex at 14. Some people are more mature, some are in 'love' and ready to make that commitment. Some aren't. Putting an age limit on it is restrictive and pointless.

You might this it's the wrong decision, but who are you to decide what other people want to do? Or feel ready for? Pregnancy and STD's are only a risk if they haven't been properly educated, hence sexual education is vital.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 05-Nov-13 21:55:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlexaChelsea Tue 05-Nov-13 21:56:22

For god sake, stop being so judgy.

The OP didn't have sex at 13. She was a week from 15. She probably didn't refer to her mother as 'mummy', that's deliberately emotive.

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Nov-13 21:59:54


The OP was given condoms and her mother's blessing to have sex in her bed with her boyfriend at 13yrs old.

The fact she chose to do it at 15 is neither here nor there imo.

I'm gobsmacked and no I don't think lax parenting is a feminist issue at all

And that's what this is...wrapped up in feminism.

freyasnow Tue 05-Nov-13 22:02:36

I am here to decide because I'm an adult and a 13 year old is a child.

There have been numerous threads on here about age of consent laws. The posts on here contradict previous links from previous threads. I was paraphrasing the CPS statement. If you have evidence of what you are saying, and can show that this would be prosecuted for sexual assault not rape, the burden of proof is on you, because you are the one making these claims. So no, I won't be googling for you. I'm not an unpaid research assistant.

Obviously anybody having PIV sex is at risk of pregnancy, not just the uneducated.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 05-Nov-13 22:02:47

It's not Feminism, at all.

It's choice gorn maaaad.

AlexaChelsea Tue 05-Nov-13 22:02:58

Better under my roof than elsewhere, is likely her mothers way of thinking.

And no one is asking about the boys parents; they were obviously happy to let him stay and had even less control as he was away from home.

I'd be more inclined to think two sets of parents knew the maturity level of their children than you do, hence I won't judge their decision.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 05-Nov-13 22:04:47

What is this proliferation of threads about underage sex, taking of virginity, permissive parenting, boys and girls sleeping in the same bed etc etc all about ?

I can't understand it.

Oh, wait...

InTheFace Tue 05-Nov-13 22:05:45

The age at which a girl loses her virginity has nothing to do with feminism.

The circumstances in which she does so may have (but quite often may not).

Your mother gave you freedom to do something illegal not for feminist reason, but for anti-authoritarian reasons. Bucking the mainstream is not exclusively a feminist issue.

Oh and, personally, I think she was absolutely wrong to do so. 13, ffs!

AlexaChelsea Tue 05-Nov-13 22:05:53

For god sake freya.

Here you go, if you are too bloody lazy or pigheaded to be an 'unpaid research assistant hmm then I will happily educate you here you go

AlexaChelsea Tue 05-Nov-13 22:08:31

Do none of y'all let your 13/14 year old kids have sleepovers? Seriously?

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Nov-13 22:10:13

Do none of y'all let your 13/14 year old kids have sleepovers? Seriously?

Yes, with their friends from the age of about 5yrs old.


freyasnow Tue 05-Nov-13 22:11:10

That's a radio one website article based at teenagers. It isn't a link to the actual law, which have been provided here on previous threads. I don't consider that to be backing up your claims at all. How old are you?

GoshAnneGorilla Tue 05-Nov-13 22:12:36

Right let's talk feminism.

IMHO a lot of this supposed
being "open" about sex - because anything else is being a prude
everything's ok as long as they use contraception,
you can't stop them

All it seems to lead to is teenage girls having to make themselves sexually available to boys and men at an ever younger age, often in relationships which are not equal and in which they bear far greater negative consequences.

For all the talk I see where the "cool" parents talk about contraception and are oh so open, I never see that they've discussed consent, boundaries, how to say no.

No wonder the NSPCC's study in 2009 found teenage girls had suffered very high levels of intimate partner violence.

Also another huge feminist issue is that women are encouraged to give far more of their time and mental energy to relationships with men then vice versa. All this "cool liberal" parenting" is doing is making this process happen from an ever younger age.

Why does a 13 year old child need a "loving relationship" with a boy? isn't there enough love and affection in her life already?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 05-Nov-13 22:13:34

Alexa, not in the inappropriate way you mean, no.

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