"My Peter Pan husband is growing up at last"

[BlingLoving]

This article had me shaking my head in absolute horror. I think it's supposed to be a "good news" piece - ie the man stepped up at the end and haha, he only forgot one of his children instead of three.

But it's not funny. It's just sad. She's got three children and spent eight years with this man and he's only now "Growing up".

What does an article like this say about or society? To me it just continues to encourage men to feel it's okay to behave like children while making women think this is normal and they should be "grateful" for whatever "help" they get. I despair.

[KRITIQ]

No, it's not funny and yes, it is sad that she felt it acceptable to put up with such disrespectful, irresponsible behaviour from a partner. But, if you look at the AIBU section and elsewhere here, there are plenty of women who either feel that behaving like an entitled child with too much pocket money is "natural" for a man and something you just have to "put up with" if you want to have a man in your life, have children, etc.

I sense though that the author of the article has written it as much to convince herself that the marriage and how he behaved in it was "okay," even laughable, because that seems a better way of coping with the situation than thinking, "you know, I've been treated like crap by my husband and it's been hurtful and unfair."

Yes, I do think men are conditioned to believe they have the "get out clause" of "just being a man," for everything from excessive drinking to violence, from not having much interest in their children to affairs. Likewise, women are conditioned to "thank heaven for small mercies," if they don't have a partner who's not a complete tool, or in this case, if they seem to get a bit better after a while.

Not all men of course respond to this conditioning, and sadly those that don't toe the line can be ostracised by those men who do, because they "let the side down." Likewise, I've previously had well meaning (?) female friends tell me I was being too picky in what I wanted from a prospective partner - often where they were in relationships where they seemed to be unhappy because their partners were irresponsible, disrespectful, inconsiderate, etc. Baloney.

[BlingLoving]

Oh god, It's so depressing.

This is the GUARDIAN. Not The Telegraph or the Mail.

[OrangeLily]

What a wanker. However, she chose to have children with him! I've known DH since he was a teenager and even then he showed more consideration.

[Onesleeptillwembley]

He's a complete loserm but frankly she's just as bad. Stupid woman.

[MorrisZapp]

What a pair of tossers.

[Darkesteyes]

This reminds me of a post i read on the Relationships board yeasterday on the thread "Lap dance at stag do."
The OPS DH after getting a lap dance in a hummer said that if his year old daughter grew up to be a stripper he wouuld hate it.
I mentioned the Madonna/whore complex and got shouted down by a poster who said that its perfectly alrright for a man to change his mind about this as he gets older and that its not hypocritical


absolutely nothing to do with a man getting older and his sex drive dropping off so he doesnt care when hes older as long as he can get his jollies when hes younger and wants it more

[SomeDizzyWhore1804]

My nan always used to tell my mum (her daughter in law) that she was "so lucky" to have my dad because he was "so good" i.e not an entitled pillock who spent all the housekeeping on horses and beer. However I always put that down to her being very old fashioned (born 1905) and just having had a very different kind of life to my mums generation. Depressing that this woman is saying it when she can't be more that 40.

[peteypiranha]

Its just a story about a desperate doormat designed to shock like the kind you read in chat or take a break. Not many men in rl act like this,and the ones that do are in the minority.

[StillSeekingSpike]

This article is the same fucking depressing view of marriage that I grew up with- that the role of women was to 'stop' men Having Fun. And that all men were entitled fuckwits who treated women badly.
Nowhere was the idea that women might also have fun or say to men 'see you when you've grown up'. No, you married your spouse and then spent the rest of your life moaning about it.
Men just swap Big Bad Mummy for Big Bad Wifie.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

It is depressing. I hate this kind of attitude and this is why I won't stand "oh, MEN" type conversation, as if penis-bearing gives you a get out for caring for yourself and your small children.

[UptoapointLordCopper]

Bling I can't work out if Mariella Frostup is serious about the male/female gaze/ability to focus/juggle etc in that article you link to. Is she??

[TheAccidentalExhibitionist]

Unfortunately I think she is serious uptoapoint how utterly depressing and disappointing of MF.
The husband in the first article was and undoubtably still is a total prick, she should have left him long ago.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

I found the article depressing and infuriating in equal measure.

I cannot bear the Men are Overgrown Boys, Women are Mean Shrews bollocks.

Just look at this piece of crap film poster: www.femalefirst.co.uk/blog/2013/05/grown-ups-2-poster-17779/

I pass it on my way to work and seethe.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Also, what is Mariella Frostrup smoking? What adult women write such things? Has she been bodysnatched?

[Kveta]

So glad I wasn't alone in finding this article depressing. I just wondered why, after her husband was such a gimboid around the birth of their first child, she went on to have more with him. Stupid article.

[UptoapointLordCopper]

Re: the MF article, I think that's why these pseudo-brain science business do so much damage. Justifying this sort of nonsense. One of my favourite scientific findings in Delusions of Gender is where it was discovered that men (and women) become pretty empathetic when they get paid for it. They can do it when they want to.

From the let toys be toys fb page: www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2013/08/05/3816216.htm

[K8Middleton]

My dh came to find me to see if I'd read it and we were both incredulous that anyone would live like that and publicise the fact in the newspaper. We both commented on the bit where she throws him out and later finds out he was just a selfish wanker, not a selfish, cheating wanker. Because that's on then

I'd have packed his bags years ago.

[TheSmallClanger]

I hate this normalising of men running away from their family life - DH doesn't do it, and my own father didn't do it either. It is far from natural and inevitable.

Lisa's husband sounds unsufferably selfish and unreliable, and the fact that they were only together for three months before getting married is quite telling. Over-committing too quickly is a classic red flag.

[wordfactory]

This man's behaviour had nothing to do with 'being young' or a bit of a Peter Pan.

He wasn't fun loving or spontaneous, or any other description attempted to santise.

He was just a selfish prick who didn't care about his wife and children. End of...

[Twattergy]

The way his behaviour is portrayed as some kind of joke really got to me. Why make light of this sort of behaviour, it just implies that its ok to wank about for ten years while your wife patiently waits for you...and at the end of it she says it was worth the wait. Fuck that. Infuriating.

[BlingLoving]

So glad it's not just me.

Uptoapoint I really think she means it, albeit in a light hearts way. Awful. This is the Guardian's advice column!

It's these supposedly jokey stuff that just perpetuates day to day sexism. Can you imagine a similar article where a white woman is complaining about her black friend and the article makes some jokey comments about black people being lazy/stupid etc? My example might seem extreme but it increasingly feels the same for me.

[elinorbellowed]

Oh it was AWFUL! He made a conscious decision to have those children, so no amount of bollocks about being trapped fits. My DP is fun-loving and care-free but he never disappears without a phone call leaving me to look after children alone.

[UptoapointLordCopper]

Stereotyping is so bloody infuriating, isn't it? Excusing bad behaviour by gender, attributing good behaviour by gender (once someone thanked me for pouring a cup of tea, saying that it's because I'm a mum - she should count her lucky stars that social conditioning had stopped me bashing her over the head and pouring tea all over her). Both are incitement to kick people really hard on the shins (and other parts).