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Astonished at sexist admission put in court statement

(16 Posts)
betterthanever Thu 27-Jun-13 20:55:23

I am unfortunately involved in a court case as my exp who has never seen his 8 year old DS has turned back up, re writing history and trying to get access to DS, which I have not totally refused.
The latest statements are in: my exp has claimed that I told him during a telephone conversation that he was not my DS's son and he has only just found out he has a son (I will not bore you with how he says he now knows it's just all lies).

To back up his fabricated story he has claimed in an official, legal, court statement, that my neighbour who is his friend had been telling him that I was having `males' at my house during our relationship and he did wonder if my DS was his when I was pregnant, so when in this imaginary phone call I told him his DS was not his, he had asked me if the father was `one of the males who had been coming to my house' I had said yes.

Why am I shocked that this type of thing is still spouted/happens... please tell me that no judge will find it acceptable that a) my neighbour was spying who came into my house and b) that it is ok to presume that if a female has a male or more than one male in her house she must be having sexual relations with one of them.

Please oh wise ones, do you have anything I can say at court.

babyhammock Thu 27-Jun-13 21:20:49

You'd like to think that a judge would find that unacceptable wouldn't you.

My judge wrote in his judgement that because I'd had my best friend (male I've known for over 20 years) over for a couple of hours after I'd been seriously ill in hospital and was still very ill at home alone with a 2 year old DS, that I must clearly be having sexual relations with him and that my ex would have been 'understandably' angry.

That's why it was ok for my ex to threaten to kill me.

So sorry no words of wisdom except let it be known that this is an unacceptable attitude to have

betterthanever Thu 27-Jun-13 21:53:46

Did he say that out loud? your `ex' would be unhappy. Shocking.

TeiTetua Thu 27-Jun-13 22:08:31

Surely it's pretty much routine these days if there's any dispute about paternity, to call for a DNA test?

Also, the neighbour's so-called evidence is hearsay. Maybe if this person comes to court and says it in person under oath, that would make it more credible. But what a party to a legal case says they heard someone else say, is not evidence.

It's not clear whether the ex wants to be this kid's father, or doesn't. Or maybe did at one point, but now understands that it will cost him money, so he's trying to retreat?

babyhammock Thu 27-Jun-13 22:15:49

Better it's written down..

betterthanever Thu 27-Jun-13 22:58:29

Tei yes we did DNA months ago via court, he says he wants contact with DS - he had refused a DNA test years ago via the CSA. The neighbour can't ever confirm if I was or was not having sex with men in my house as he was never in my house. He told my exp he had seen men gong into my house and it says in the statement that therefore he and my exp thought I was having sex with them/ well it reads that he doubted if the child was his which means the same thing.

betterthanever Thu 27-Jun-13 23:02:14

Just to clarify I do have male friends and they do come into my house. I was not and am not having sex with any of my male friends when they come to visit me in the same way as when my female friends visit me I don't have sex with them either. grin

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Fri 28-Jun-13 14:55:53

I am not a family lawyer Better but I assume you are putting together a strongly worded supplementary statement (or whatever the terminology is for family courts) detailing exactly why his story is a load of bullshit. Using as many dates and cross referenced documents as possible. Especially looking back for contemporaneous emails and texts. And definitely referencing the CSA stuff.

Because sadly, yes, sometimes judges believe this bullshit. They can't imagine why the nice, sensible, sad man in front of them would lie hmm

TooClassToGrass Fri 28-Jun-13 15:34:40

Definitely cobble together as much evidence as you can to support your assertions, especially the CSA requesting a DNA test years ago for a child he has 'only just' discovered exists hmm but please don't be too disappointed if it all gets ignored.

My ex is currently dragging us through court over our DC and his initial application was full of blatant lies. Every single bit of it could be proven as a lie, such as him saying he left us, to paint me as a woman scorned, when I had a record of the police attending to assist me to leave as he was hiding my clothes, locked the doors and hid the keys and was threatening to hunt down and harm the DC if I took them. Everything i had refuting his lies was ignored as irrelevant, then 10 minutes later referred to as my feelings of abandonment at being left!

Getting a really good solicitor can make a real difference in how you feel between hearings. I had an utterly useless one to begin with who had me doubting whether stuff really happened, even when I had official papers in front of me proving they did. I now have an awesome solicitor who sees my ex for what he is and has allowed him enough rope to hang himself with. Ex has now fucked up and contradicted himself so many times in his spurious claims against me that it's looking likely that the case will be stopped and him barred from applying again as he'll be classed as a vexatious litigant.

If your ex could start out with such a gigantic load of bollocks, it is very likely that he will continue to make stupid, unprovable accusations against you and trip himself up with them. Carry on as you have been, offer indirect contact with the possibility of moving to supervised face to face contact if that goes well and it will show the court that you are begin professional, fair and mature and your ex is being whiney, insulting and lazy. That will betaken note of by the court. Sadly, you may never get a satisfactory resolution to the question of your fidelity either because the court will deem it irrelevant or because you are a woman and therefore must be in the wrong, depending on your judge hmm

betterthanever Fri 28-Jun-13 16:09:34

Thank you for your honest replies. I had put a statement in first with lots of evidence which was hard to get past which I think is why he has had to resort to this.
tooclass I am so sorry hear about another case. I really hope they throw it out for you, you must be exhausted. I will be making the offer you suggest, I think it is spot on for all the reasons you give. He will not accept, we will end up in the hands of the judge.

My barrister has warned me of their unpredictability and has advised at this stage we rise above his recent ranting and just make the offer. She agrees with you that he will trip himself up. There are now three different versions of why he only now believes my DS is his, one on his court ap, one on a report from cafcass and now his statement. My statement is all times, dates, places and detail with official documents to back it up. His contains insults, name calling, no detail i.e. `she is vindictive' `she insulted my Mum'. `my friend told me he saw males going into her house, so I wondered if the baby was mine'. He made derogatory remarks about a letter my DS's head teacher has written - he has described it as `over critical and biased'. He now says he refused the DNA test from the CSA as he couldn't afford it. He says he only brought legal proceedings when he found out he could get legal aid, he didn't do it before as he says he knew I could afford a solicitor and he couldn't--he doesn't say how he knew this - he had not seen me for years, maybe his friend has been through my bins as well looking for banks statements, not that they would show I had much as it isn't true, this case is crippling me as I do work and didn't qualify for legal aid which is what he really knew--

betterthanever Fri 28-Jun-13 16:20:48

Amanda I wish I had those texts but he knows I would not have them from 8 or 9 years ago. Luckily I kept the official CSA letters and some solicitors letters.
I have worked hard and done everything I can to overcome sexism in the workplace and have at the same time brought up my DS who is wonderful. Facing the reality of just how much my exp and my neighbour/his friend hate the fact I am female and have managed a job and DS and I have a nice life albeit with lots of bumps and falls and hard work they choose not to notice hurts. I think that is what is causing me the most pain after concerns for DS. I do not conform to how they believe a female should behave and they don't like it.
To me it sounds just like young boys at school shouting `slag' to some poor girl who has refused a date with one of them, I just hope the judge sees it that way.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Fri 28-Jun-13 16:46:40

He's been careful not to say anything on text more recently? Do check for emails though. Particularly to, say, old hotmail or yahoo addresses you no longer use.

You want my brutally honest advice on this? But obviously subject to your lawyer advising your properly and legally.

I know my instinct in all of this would be to act totally logically and unemotionally and just detail everything. But that can really go against you in court cases (in my case, I dealt with employment tribunals). The judge often sees emotion as a good way to judge the truth of what someone is saying. It is good to be dignified, but I would probably also be "hurt and appalled that Ex has made such untrue and offensive accusations" against you. I'd talk about how you needed the support of friends through your difficult relationship with Ex and that you're horrified that he's suggesting that just because some of those friends are male you were having sex with them, etc.

Of course, it is a difficult line to tread. Too much and you are overly emotional and can't be trusted. Just another way the patriarchy screws us.

ThirdTimesABrokenFanjo Fri 28-Jun-13 19:30:16

Iam unfortunately involved in a court case as my exp who has never seen his 8 year old DS has turned back up, re writing history and trying to get access to DS, which I have not totally refused.

Have you not totally refused because you think it helps your case or because you think it would be good to have father in the picture?

Because he sounds like an anbsooute wank stain and I can't imagine him lying about you and rewriting history will in anyway do your son a bit of good.

I hope the judge you get is a woman is sensible enough to see even if you were sleeping with every man in the neighborhood his accusations would be ridiculous as could have had a dna test done if he gave one tiny fuck.

I can't imagine any scenario where I'd fuck off and not bother about speaking to one of my children for 8 years and then when it can only cause them pain and confusion just demand to be let in.

Has he paid child support in any of this time will he be liable for 8 years of back child support?

betterthanever Fri 28-Jun-13 20:27:07

Amanda I don't think he has my phone number even though it is actually the same number from all those years ago, he had to put it on his court ap and he didn't have it, cafcass had to write to me for that and my date of birth. I have had the same work email for 13 years and he did send two to that - sadly whilst very bizarre and have been included in evidence they are only a couple of lines i.e. first one said `I want to see my son, I know it has been a long time but it is in his best interest. If you don't reply by the end of the week, I will contact my solicitor'. Which I think his sol must have told him to send. Second one was asking to come to a sports game he had found out my DS was playing in. Thanks for the advice, I really don't think I will able to be anything but emotional, it is so upsetting when I have to go back through what happened.
thirdtime yes you are right - only not totally refusing on sol's advice, even though he is also alleging I have totally refused confused he is a wank stain. He says he has been `financially supporting his child through the CSA' I have had less than £200. It took the CSA years to catch up with him and then he was saying he wasnt the dad, refused DNA and unbeknown to me at the time he was later served with a liability order for non payment and went to court and then guess what happened....yup, he wanted to see his DS. He has been `unemployed' since then with gaps saying to the CSA he was living off `family and friends'.
I hope the judge you get is a woman is sensible enough to see even if you were sleeping with every man in the neighborhood his accusations would be ridiculous as could have had a dna test done if he gave one tiny fuck. spot on especially the bit crossed out.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Fri 28-Jun-13 20:41:40

Oh Better. So sorry you are going through this. I hope that the best thing for you and your son is ordered in the end.

betterthanever Fri 28-Jun-13 20:59:59

Thanks Amanda be interesting to see what the judge says about certain things.

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