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Small things that make you angry and you feel you can't mention elsewhere

(584 Posts)
MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Tue 11-Jun-13 17:08:20

I was thinking that maybe we need one of those threads that reminds us we all have much more in common with each other, than any of us does with the misogynistic bigots. smile

I don't know what the feministy equivalent of 'first world problem' is, but I bet there are loads of things you've been itching to point out annoy you, but don't start an AIBU about, or don't moan to your colleague/DH/mates about because it feels insignificant.

Maybe we can all have a good moan here - and maybe back each other up that these things typically aren't so small and insignificant really!

I will go first. I noticed the other day how, when I'm walking down a pavement, I automatically move to the side out of the way of busy men striding along with briefcases. Even when I'm busy. confused Why do I do that? And how come I feel rude - and do get funny looks - when I don't do that?

AllSWornOut Tue 11-Jun-13 21:20:09

Ah well blondieminx I shall have to un-hoik my judgey-pants then smile

I've just thought of another. We've just changed banks and I didn't spot that the bank manager put our joint account in DH name-My name order despite me being the one leading the discussion and it being my contract details that we gave as the main point of contract. So now all the mail come to my email address but starting "Mr DH NAME". Irritates me every time and it's only been a fortnight.

omletta Tue 11-Jun-13 21:22:56

Being defined by marriage in an academic environment - academics are known by their professional titles, non academics by Mrs/ Miss with Ms being very much for divorcees. I would just like to be known by my name.

References to 'the girls'....going out with 'the girls' etc - it's been 26 years since I was a 'girl'!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 11-Jun-13 21:23:50


Scone I thought that was the case. I've never worked in the States though so didn't want to presume! In general people use titles a lot less in North America than here though I think. Sending a business letter in Canada I would write Jennifer Brown on the envelope, not Ms J Brown, and the letter itself would be addressed to Dear Jennifer, not Dear Ms Brown.

So if we were going to make a change in the UK, what should it be? Should we all be Ms or all Mrs or what? I am sure this has been discussed ad infinitum on here somewhere at some point grin

DianaTrent Tue 11-Jun-13 21:27:47

I work in healthcare science. I am automatically addressed by so many patients as "nurse". My male colleagues, including those junior to me tend to be referred to as "doctor". Fucks me right off.

MorrisZapp Tue 11-Jun-13 21:36:49

Two things.

My ex, who used to refer to couples as 'a guy and his wife'. Used to annoy me and he just did not get why, despite my patient explanations.

My DP, who shamelessly milks the patriarchy whenever his mother visits. He sits on his arse and lets her do all the work, knowing fine well that I am hardwired to jump up and help. We're v equal in our house, but when MIL is here it's hello 1975.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Tue 11-Jun-13 21:39:42

I get very, very worked up by the phrases 'cried like a girl' and (as mentioned upthread) 'man up'. I once picked someone up on the former at work and was met by confused.

I hate the babysitting thing to. I must admit I did use it once a week or two ago. A group of SAHPs (mostly mums) were discussing going out and someone said 'shall we invite other halves' and I said 'no, we need babysitters'. I didn't mean it in the sense that a man looking after the children is babysitting, but just in the sense that we are all parents with children of an age that they need babysitters, and if both parents came we'd need to find outside ones. Afterwards i felt like clearing it up with each of them individually, but resisted the urge blush.

Badvoc Tue 11-Jun-13 21:40:28

It's the total dedication of female body hair that gets to me most at times.
Ergo it's patriarchal bullshit.

omletta Tue 11-Jun-13 21:42:13

My DH does that too Morris, and she constantly asks me 'where's your Hoover? ' , 'do you like your washing machine?'

Re titles - I just want to be called my name. I don't want to be defined by my marital status or my gender. My name is Mary, call me Mary.

SconeRhymesWithGone Tue 11-Jun-13 21:46:34


That is my impression as well. When I am in the UK and using a credit card or showing my passport, I nearly always get called Mrs. with my maiden (now that's a funny word) name. I haven't thought about it until now, but I suppose they assume Mrs. based on my age or notice that I am wearing a ring.

I have posted before that I really like the Quaker practice of no titles which I first encountered many years ago while living in Philadelphia; outer address with just the name and no title and salutation "Dear Jane Smith," if formal or "Dear Jane" if more personal. I think we are definitely moving in that direction in North America, which I think is a good thing.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 11-Jun-13 21:46:42

YYY I think doing away with titles would be very good.

My DH used to say babysitting. He now understands that when it's your own kids it's actually called parenting.

Trills Tue 11-Jun-13 22:18:30

When buying a present from a John Lewis gift list, you have to choose if you are male or female.

I asked the recipients if each gift came with a note "these champagne glasses are from Trills, she says..." followed by the message that I had put into the message box.

The answer is no. There is no reason why John Lewis would need to know if I'm male or female.

StealthPolarBear Tue 11-Jun-13 22:27:23

Well of course there is. They neeed to know whether theyshould be mmarketing cushions with kittens on and pot pourri, or law mowers and barbecues at you

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 11-Jun-13 22:30:06

One thing I have noticed - again not scientific, just observation - is that when I have been on a flight with a female pilot or first officer they generally don't introduce themselves until either half way through the flight or at the end.

Maybe this is because both my DH (who identifies as a feminist) and my BF (female, with a masters degree in feminist film theory) have both said on finding out "i wouldn't have got on the plane if I'd known it was a woman pilot" - they claim in jest. hmm

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 11-Jun-13 22:31:38

My body hair is very dedicated Badvoc grin

Badvoc Tue 11-Jun-13 22:37:52

Oh dear, it's getting late!

GraduateofPoorComp Tue 11-Jun-13 22:44:37

No titles would be good!

Changing surname on marriage and using the father's surname as the default for children does irritate me. In school I have now even adopted children's surname as I encountered a very pointedly sniffy reaction in one of my kid's teachers, ridiculous perhaps but I didn't want to colour others' reactions to my chidren. We live in a fairly far flung corner of UK where seemingly no-one (well no womanwink) keeps their own name upon marriage !

Nessalina Tue 11-Jun-13 23:03:12

AllSWornOut - the exact same thing happened to me! I handle all our finances and dragged DH (at that time DP) down to the bank to add HIM on to MY existing current account, and not only did they put his name ahead of mine, but incorrectly changed the spelling of my name! Switched banks soon after... angry

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 11-Jun-13 23:45:06

Ooh, I can beat your bank tale, MRD.

When DH and I did our wills in contemplation of marriage, my lawyer told me that my name would automatically change on marriage and I'd have to take action to change it back.

Super lawyer, he was.

SugarandSpice126 Tue 11-Jun-13 23:46:10

The titles and changing surname thing really gets to me. I've started to put 'Ms' on forms now, and don't intend to change my name when I get married. My mother didn't, and I never really thought about why until recently (didn't feel like she should have to).

I hate the 'don't cry like a girl', 'grow a pair', and the fact men often don't wear pink as it is seen to be too 'girly'. But most of all I hate that I have been guilty of thinking these things in my head before, that they are so entrenched in my thinking. Want to give myself a slap as soon as I catch myself thinking any of it! I hate that I identify as a feminist but still seem to think these things without even realising. Argh!

AllSWornOut Wed 12-Jun-13 05:43:41

Oooh Ness angry We have a meeting today with her, I'm going to ask her to change them round.

I also have a solicitor one! When we bought our first house the contract had Mr DH surname and Mrs DH surname. I insisted the solicitor change my name to the correct one (as I kept my name on marriage and have no ID in this other name he'd made up for me) and the solicitor had the temerity to argue with me! "Oh, it doesn't matter, you're married aren't you, that's your real name now, doors it really matter anyway?" angry I had visions of being unable to prove it was my house in case of anything happening to DH.

We're using a different solicitor for this house purchase and I've already had to ask them to stop sending post addressed to Mr & Mrs DH first name last name <sigh> as I'm the one dealing with all the paperwork. At least all the preliminary paperwork does have my right name on it this time.

StealthPolarBear Wed 12-Jun-13 06:16:17

Nessalina I had the opposute with natwest. When we married I became mrs hisname. I added him onto mg account and the statements come to mrs s bear and mr. Bear. So my name first. Quite rigbt too grin

PromQueenWithin Wed 12-Jun-13 08:09:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills Wed 12-Jun-13 08:29:19

Lloyds TSB have my name first on our joint bank account, because I filled in the form.

I really like DP's surname, but if we were to get married I'd feel a bit of a hypocrite taking it because I have been (quietly) judging my friends who said they wouldn't take their husband's name and now have (and they weren't even better names!).

superbagpuss Wed 12-Jun-13 08:44:34

I took dh surname for everyday things so we all have same surname inc DC
for professional things and my own bank, savings I have kept my maiden name as I was 28 when married and had built up a professional life

if people ask me my name I say first name only, no honorific and no surname, it suits me

gingysmummy Wed 12-Jun-13 08:50:14

my mum couldn't believe when she knew it was my name listed in the phone book not my dh,it has been for 20 yrs not planning to change it.Also when buying a car the salesperon kept speaking to my husband not me,i actually said tio them excuse me but would you mind speaking to me as i'll be buying it needless to say i was so pissed off i went elsewhere

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