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Tell me I'm overthinking this

(8 Posts)
HandDivedRaspberries Thu 18-Apr-13 11:11:01

Not directly a feminist issue (though can easily be made one), but I wanted to ask people who are prepared to think about things.

I usually OVERthink things, so you may bring me some needed perspective.

I'm disabled and talking of breaking up from DP. This will be personally disastrous for me. On the one hand, I'm not quite well enough to live fully independently. On the other, the new benefits system keeps trying to designate me fit to work, then leaving me adrift in appeals and paperwork for months. And I have a GP who thinks M.E./CFS is Munchausens. Great.

As you can imagine, I'm kinda staring down the barrel a bit at the moment.

DP has been very generous in saying don't move out until I'm ready. But I'll have to move out at some point to allow him to move on with his life and stop using him (which I hate myself for).

Last night a very old friend said that, if push came to shove, I could move in at theirs. When I got off the phone from thanking them, DP said, "And I thank Old Friend too, for looking after you."

I have spent the night furious. Probably unreasonably.

But it feels to me like DP is still pretending he is my rescuer, and in some weird sense owner, and that looking after me will be his responsibility even after I've left him, and that he is somehow subcontracting this care to Old Friend (who barely even knows him).

Just writing that is making me feel an idiot for not just accepting the generosity of both DP and Old Friend and being glad they both want to look out for me.

I am being an idiot, aren't I? I reemed DP out this morning about it - and as usual he agreed with every word I said, because I had said it. Arggh!

I know this isn't AIBU, but feel free to tell me IABU.

quietlysuggests Thu 18-Apr-13 11:16:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 18-Apr-13 11:27:33

I'm not sure, here.

I'm chronically ill, too. Not ME, but I met a lot of people with that at various pain clinics and sleep clinics etc!

On the one hand, some people like to help. My neighbour put the bins out for me yesterday, and was so pleased that she'd been able to help. She didn't ask me, and they were almost empty, and I was irrationally angry that she thought I couldn't manage, but she meant well. Your DP might be the same - he obviously feels/felt some emotion for you, and he might literally mean what he said: that he's glad someone will be looking out for you, and you won't struggle.

On the other hand, he could be being a twat. It's hard to tell. He might genuinely be glad you won't be on your own, and you'll get help, or he might be trying to make himself out to be a hero. Or he could just be worried about you, and wish you well, and not have intended it to look like he was trying to micro-manage your care.

It's tough to know. To be honest, I'd try and take it as being well-meant, and move on. Over-thinking is far too easy, and it's not like you don't have enough to think about!

I hope the move goes well, and isn't too tiring. I hate moving house sad

dublinrose37 Thu 18-Apr-13 11:34:19

I agree with Caja, its hard to know where this is coming from. It could be he just is trying to be a nice bloke and not end things badly, it could have been a throwaway comment, it could be he feels an obligation of sorts to you because you are the one moving out, could be he would be all of the above if you were fully able bodied too.

I think you have enough on your plate at the moment and I would probably take things at face value and take his offer as a nice friendly offer rather than an implied insult. On the other hand if you are just angry in general towards him because of the break up or the reasons that led to the breakup you probably won't do yourself any favours staying longer in the house with him and maybe it will better for you to move out.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do xx

HandDivedRaspberries Thu 18-Apr-13 12:32:27

Well I wrote a long reply, and now have thrown it away to think some more!

The problem is, "Does he treat me like he's doing me a favour?" is a key question. And I can't trust my own answers to it.

And issues around this stuff are part of why we're breaking up.

He's pathologically humble, and lives to serve, as long as someone tells him what to do. He rather made "looking after Raspberries" his meaning in life - but only at weekends and coming below his job. He's not proactive, so when I wasn't well enough to give orders, he let me get very ill without taking any initiative to help. And combined being very generous in the things he chose to do, with having his nose put out of joint when I briefly got DLA and could pay someone else to look after me.

He's got MUCH better about this recently. I'm truly indebted to him.

This is helping me. I'm being forced to enumerate to myself the amount of stuff he has actually done without me giving direct orders. I'm clearly still resentful about previous neglect, and find it a bit of a cheek that he should imagine any responsibility for the future.

But that's me being prickly (which I know I am).

HandDivedRaspberries Thu 18-Apr-13 15:19:32

More thoughts welcome, including kicks up the arse.

MiniTheMinx Thu 18-Apr-13 20:05:21

Does your DP want to break up?

I am well but I live with a man who is very caring to the point of irritating at times. He fusses like an old women smile and likes to care for people. He's a nurse but he doesn't leave the job at the door, he brings it home. What I hate most is having to say thank you for something I haven't benefited from because I haven't needed it ! A bit different situation but I think I can kind of try and understand what you are saying.

It must feel like a very unequal relationship in many ways. Can I ask if you became ill over the course of the relationship? it must change the dynamic quite a lot. It must be very hard to keep asking, if you ask you feel even more indebted to someone. If they lack initiative then you always have to ask. Very difficult.

HandDivedRaspberries Fri 19-Apr-13 10:36:49

"It must be very hard to keep asking, if you ask you feel even more indebted to someone. If they lack initiative then you always have to ask"

This! Thank you, Mini, that's one of the problems in a nutshell.

With the perspectives given above, I think I hugely overreacted about the "thank X for me". He does genuinely care what happens to me. It's just he's always genuinely cared, sat and awaited orders, and then cheered if OTHER people have taken the initiative and helped me (as long as it doesn't trespass on what he feels are his designated ways to help). He's changing now, but I'm still getting angry because I'm linking it to the historic stuff.

We were together before I got ill. I've just typed stuff out, and deleted, as I'm not exactly pleased with my own behaviour while I've been ill. The problem with being dependent is that you get some choice about who to be dependent on, but not about being dependent and having to use people, even when they're willing. So I know I need to stop looking at what's been missing from DP's side, and look at what's been missing from mine. And shrug and get on with breaking up.

Thank you very much for input, everyone. It does help to have any kind of sounding wall.

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