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five things women do that frighten men off

(129 Posts)
SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Tue 04-Dec-12 21:46:31

anyone seen this 5 things women do that frighten men off?

so basically

1) expect to have no input at all into where your relationship, sorry, his relationship with you, is going

2)hide your real self, poor men cant be expected cope with a real woman

3) do what you were told not to do in no1 and voice your own opinion, but only as far as what you watch on tv. apparently he now wants to date an equal.

4)dont make him jealous, but do.

5)dont have emotions. emotions mean you are out of control and weak.

so, now you all know wink

but seriously, this has to be a piss take. what woman (the tip giver is a female dating 'expert') honestly believes this shit?

OrangePanda Sun 09-Dec-12 07:04:28

The "so" should be "no" of course haha!

LRDtheFeministDude Sun 09-Dec-12 09:43:38

That's pretty much the size of it, sinister.

AbigailAdams Sun 09-Dec-12 12:33:21

I thought what FiveGoldNorks said about the focus being on women changing their behaviour - again - was really pertinent. It is another reason I hate that Tim Lott piece too on the other thread. The onus being on women to not only change their behaviour but it also says that women are responsible for the state of the relationship, not men. It is a trick of the patriarchy to take the focus off men's behaviour and back on to women.

namechangeguy Mon 10-Dec-12 10:00:14

Some of that article makes sense. The OP seems to go out of her way to twist what was actually written (which is no big surprise on here);

1. Be 'your own person' rather than making him your new project,
2. Don't harp on about negative things about yourself,
3. Remain independent (shock horror - normal men respect women who have opinions on stuff)
4. I don't really get this bit, unless it simply means don't play stupid mind-games,
5. Don't be overly dramatic about everything, and have your own life - keep your friends hobbies, and make time for them.

All of this stuff should apply to both genders, but it seems mostly sensible to me. Anyway, over to you to twist it round sad

RiaUnderTheMistletoe Mon 10-Dec-12 11:19:17

"You can’t be the one leading the way when it comes to anything like spending more time together, becoming exclusive, moving in or getting married."

No twisting required here. How can anyone justify that?

namechangeguy Mon 10-Dec-12 11:43:44

"You can’t be the one leading the way when it comes to anything like spending more time together, becoming exclusive, moving in or getting married."

Neither of you can. These have to be joint decisions, surely?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 10-Dec-12 11:44:46

NCG, if all that stuff could apply to both genders, why wasn't the article called "dating mistakes to avoid" or something?

namechangeguy Mon 10-Dec-12 11:50:08

You would have to ask the woman who wrote it about the title. I don't think it's a great article. I just think there is some sensible stuff in there, and it isn't accurately represented by the OP.

RiaUnderTheMistletoe Mon 10-Dec-12 13:41:07

NCG the next line is "All you can do is set your own personal time-limit and then quietly leave when it’s time to get out."

I think that makes pretty clear women aren't supposed to raise the topic, or it would say "All you can do is discuss the issue and let him know what you're hoping for, and if he wants something different then move on." You don't have to read between the lines to see it means men should dictate the pace of relationships.

LRDtheFeministDude Mon 10-Dec-12 18:04:27

Spot on, AA, as always.

And yes, namechange, how on earth did you miss the basic point everyone's made about it not being applied to both genders?! confused

I think the OP is accurate, and I'd be quite happy to discuss it but you'd have to do better than provide a summary of the points you've picked out to convince me otherwise. Can you show why you interpreted it that way, and why you'd not accept another interpretation?

Btw, I don't mean you should feel you have to, only if you are interested.

Scrazy Mon 10-Dec-12 18:23:52

I haven't read all the thread but have read the 5 things.

IMO she is saying keep your own life and interests and don't force a relationship in the beginning. IME this is the right thing to do.

Lot's of single women looking for a relationship complain that the ones they aren't interested are always ringing and the ones they won't aren't. That's because of the vibes a woman desperate for a particular man gives off.

Taking a step back in the beginning is sound advice then if it goes wrong you aren't emotionally invested, and protect yourself from getting hurt. He on the other hand works harder to get to know you and that can lead to a good outcome.

LRDtheFeministDude Mon 10-Dec-12 18:45:14

I've got to say, it creeps me out, this idea that you should make the man 'work harder to get to know you'.

My husband isn't a show pony or a trained dog. I didn't want to make him 'work'. Either it's right or it isn't. But I am not about to pretend it's a healthy relationship when I alternately act the dog trainer and the sighing disney heroine.

Scrazy Mon 10-Dec-12 20:00:17

I quite like it as first, but I'm dating rather than married.

SomersetONeil Mon 10-Dec-12 20:39:27

But again, Scrazy, the focus on the things women need to do; it always is.

You never see dating advice for men, do you? You might see 'pulling' advice, but you simply never see dating nor relationship advice for men. So when someone trots out something like this yet again, even when some of the points might be sound enough when applied to either gender, all it makes you (well, me) want to do is roll my eyes and switch off.

And so, no, namechangeguy - we don't need to ask the woman in the article why she directed it at women. This sort of stuff is always directed at women. That's the reason it's rankling with so many of us..

I love the way that people need to twist and turn to deny this stuff, when it's so blatantly staring us all in the face. Why do people need to do this denial thing?

Actually, to be fair, I suppose I can sort of see why NCG might not 'get' it, given that as a man, he's not the one on the continual receiving end of this sort of stuff - dating advice, relationship advice, how to get a man, how to keep a man, etc. etc, ad nauseum, and so simply doesn't notice it.

Something like this in isolation is fine enough if you don't look at what she's saying too closely (although, even then, the fact that it's just directed at women means who don't exactly need finely honed analytical skills to see the main problem)... But, as always, the problem a lot of us have is with the bigger picture. Which so many people cannot or will not see.

The continual drip, drip, drip - women need to be in relationships, being single is to have failed, women need to be the ones to make the effort in relationships, women need to change themselves to be appealing to men.

It's annoying and depressing and corrosive and keeps people in unhappy relationships which impacts on everyone involved.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 10-Dec-12 20:45:42

"I didn't look at the link and the 5 points at the top of the thread were too confusing. As if someone with poor english written it "

if you had looked at the link you would understand the points in the OP. i cant think why you thought you would understand them without looking at the link TBH. english is my first language.

FromEsme Mon 10-Dec-12 20:52:00

Obviously you should keep up your own interests, friendships, committments etc.

However, you should do these things for their own sake, not because you want to get a maaaaaaan.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 10-Dec-12 21:00:59

ah, i've read further and see that english is not your first language orange. i think this is maybe why you struggled with my OP.

Scrazy Mon 10-Dec-12 21:10:36

I have seen plenty of dating advice for men. This article was aimed at women, true. Keeping your own life going isn't to attract a man, you had your life before you met him, it's telling women not to drop everything just because they meet someone they like. Which is sound advice.

blueshoes Mon 10-Dec-12 21:21:12

The advice is sound. It applies to men as well as to women. It is true the article is directed at women, but women read this shit, right? If women stopped reading it, perhaps it will give editors pause to stop printing it.

Chicken or egg?

Scrazy Mon 10-Dec-12 21:28:39

Good point Blueshoes. Men don't read this shit.

happybubblebrain Mon 10-Dec-12 21:41:56

I can think of loads more things than this that frighten men off. I try to do most of them on a daily basis.

If they were being really honest in the article the top of the list would have been 1. Gain weight.

AbigailAdams Tue 11-Dec-12 13:58:24

If that were true happybubblebrain what do you think that says about men?

picketywick Tue 11-Dec-12 14:03:23

A woman once said to me "Back off, or I will scramle your nuts" I backed off

EldritchCleavage Tue 11-Dec-12 14:16:23

Is it bad that I read the thread title and thought: "Only five things? We're not trying hard enough!"

slug Tue 11-Dec-12 14:33:15

2. Openly display your intelligence
3. Laugh at them when they are being ridiculous
4. Demonstrate competence in 'male' areas e.g. computers, driving, logic

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