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Sex every night to keep him happy

(73 Posts)
MoleyMick Fri 09-Nov-12 08:52:42

I am a lurker on these boards but consider myself a feminist.
I was at playgroup with my dc this morning and while the kids were eating a group started talking about sex, how often, etc. one of the women said " we do it every night, it keeps him happy." I was a bit astonished but all the others were going " oh, he's a lucky man" and "that's great!" I mean, if you do it every night because you love sex and want to, fine, but it was the "keeps him happy" comment that got to me. And the response.
I didn't comment as I feel like a bit of an outsider there at the best of times, but it really depressed me and I can't articulate why to myself. I guess it's the whole "men have needs" thing that I thought we all knew was bollocks.
Am I over reacting? Is this really a common way of thinking? I keep wondering if i should have said something but she seemed happy, so I didn't want to be the lone voice I guess.
Sorry for the ramble, has just been playing on my mind!

HullyEastergully Fri 09-Nov-12 08:53:36

Good for her!

Be a whore in the oven and a wife in the bedroom and you won't go far wrong!!!!

TomsBentPinky Fri 09-Nov-12 08:55:49

She didn't say that it keeps her happy/ the relationship happy, but she might have meant thay.

I seriously doubt she lays there everynight not wanting to participate.

Maybe she worded it wrong?

ashesgirl Fri 09-Nov-12 09:00:50

I do know what you mean and it makes me slightly uncomfortable too.

Course she may be perfectly happy, impossible to know.

SaraBellumHertz Fri 09-Nov-12 09:00:56

It's self deprecating - because of course as a woman it is actually more acceptable to say that than admit to loving sex and having it frequently, which somehow seems to invoke the wrath of other woman.

MoleyMick Fri 09-Nov-12 09:03:07

Maybe she worded it wrong and yes, it's that self deprecating thing that is a bit odd.
Am probably wildly over thinking a. flippant comment!

ginmakesitallok Fri 09-Nov-12 09:04:51

reminds me of a friend talking about her newish boyfriend years ago and saying "He's great, he never makes us have sex when I don't want to". Magic I thought - he's not a rapist, always a good thing in a boyfriend..hmm

MoleyMick Fri 09-Nov-12 09:05:20

Bloody hell gin!! sad

ashesgirl Fri 09-Nov-12 09:45:05

It's the notion that we owe them sex and they need it keep them happy, that's troubling. Not that uncommon a view really

KRITIQ Fri 09-Nov-12 11:01:41

Hard to know the real story with just a snapshot. Sara makes an important point though. It is the tradition in our culture that women aren't really supposed to want sex that much or that often, so even without thinking may describe their experience of sex in ways that conform to that stereotype. Having said that, if a woman feels that sex is something she must "give" to a partner to fulfil her "duties," that's not a good thing.

SaraBellumHertz Fri 09-Nov-12 11:28:17

I don't find self deprecating odd - it's a survival instinct.

Can you imagine the hatred that would be directed at a woman, especially a mother of a young child who admitted that she was up all night having mind blowing sex with her DH?

That falls into the category of "not acceptable" to so many and so rather than say she doesn't have sex - and why should she lie for other peoples comfort? the " oh it keeps the DH happy" is an easy response.

TeiTetua Fri 09-Nov-12 13:55:52

Yes, if she's telling the literal truth, it's a bad situation. But in this world, there's a good chance that a woman who has lots of sex and enjoys it, would talk about it as being for her husband's benefit and not hers. Of course there is the TMI factor too, where she might have chosen to say "Hubby and I keep each other happy. And that's all you lot need to hear."

waitingtobeamummy Fri 09-Nov-12 14:06:59

One of my friends (who now has nothing to do with me and an awful lot of her other friends) sad she had sex with her b.friend every night to keep him happy, even when she had constant chronic thrush. Saddest thing she said was: Sometimes he goes at it so hard that it is really painful, but you know what men are like when they get going, you can keep on saying no and they don't hear you sad

nkf Fri 09-Nov-12 14:12:15

I'd assume she's telling the truth and I think lots of women have sex to keep the peace. Or to coax him out of a bad mood or because they'll never the last of it if they don't. And of course some women like lots of sex too. The specific reference to pain doesn't sound as if she's concealing mad desire.

MamaMary Fri 09-Nov-12 14:12:51

Is she doesn't want to do it, then it's sad. But you don't actually know that, from what she said. Maybe she's happy to, and it's common enough to attribute it to the man's wants, rather than hers.

MamaMary Fri 09-Nov-12 14:13:03


PosieParker Fri 09-Nov-12 18:39:42

I have a friend who says similar things, and she means it. He is a selfish twunt but she thinks i"if it stops him being moody..." My DH tried the moody thing when we had a long gap, it just made it last longer and longer and longer. Nothig more of a turn off than feeling like you have to.

emillie69 Fri 09-Nov-12 23:38:43

have sex whatever makes your man happy.

TheOriginalLadyFT Sat 10-Nov-12 06:58:14

I read this thread yesterday and have about it a lot since.

I know what the woman meant and in some ways I can see her point. I'm married to a very lovely man (finally, after years of crap and/inappropriate relationships); he is thoughtful and generous, genuinely likes women, and has completely short circuited all my hard wired issues with distrust and insecurity. He would really like sex every night (and possibly in the morning too!) as he has a high sex drive and enjoys the physical aspect of our marriage as a way of expressing his love for me.

Now I like sex too, but not as much as that. So there is an imbalance and, like posieparker, I have found that the sense of expectation has had a negative effect on my sex drive. We have talked about it, and OH says he would never want me to have sex unless I wanted to, but it's very hard not to feel a bit guilty. I love him and appreciate how much happiness he has brought into my life and that of my DS, and I can't deny that a part of me sees relationships as driven at some level as a commodity exchange.

I don't feel I'm expressing myself very well - I've always had fairly strong feminist views and carved out a successful career in a very male dominated sector, so I'm certainly not a doormat and having been in relationships before where I've been coerced into sex I certainly know about drawing the line, but there's no doubt I do sometimes have sex with OH when I'd prefer to just read a book or go to sleep. I do it because it makes him happy and, once we're doing the deed, I do enjoy it (I'm not lying there like a martyr!)

So I can see what the woman meant in a way. I got married relatively later in life than my peers and spent long periods before that alone and as a single mother, albeit with a demanding career to deal with - I have lived that way and so see the benefits that my life now has for me emotionally and from a stability perspective for me and DS. Is it wrong to show my appreciation of that via sex? I don't know - I'm really going in circles in it

TheOriginalLadyFT Sat 10-Nov-12 07:00:23

Apologies for typos, on iPhone!

SaraBellumHertz Sat 10-Nov-12 07:02:59

nfk what reference to pain?

Bonsoir Sat 10-Nov-12 07:15:03

"and I can't deny that a part of me sees relationships as driven at some level as a commodity exchange."

Of course relationships are a commodity exchange - there's nothing wrong with that, providing you are, overall, contented with the deal.

RubyrooUK Sat 10-Nov-12 07:32:02

As others have said, this is fine if your friend wants to have sex every night and simply can't express that.

Personally I wouldn't want sex every night. DH and I both have high sex drives but we also have busy jobs and we do sometimes both just want to go to bed. I am pretty sure that neither of us would have sex just to keep the other person happy. Or expect that.

If DH is keen for sex, either I am interested too and even tired, I can get into it with gusto. Or I'm not and I tell him so, then we plot our next opportunity when our toddler is asleep. It's exactly the same vice versa.

I do think sex is important to both myself as DH. It helps us feel close and lovely. I'm happy to have lots of sex, so is DH but I don't think either of us would be very happy if we felt we HAD to do something when not in the mood. Sort of kills the mood.

ashesgirl Sat 10-Nov-12 11:06:50

Theoriginallday, I get what you're saying but it still bothers me.

You feel that because your partner is basically behaving like a decent bloke, that you do owe him in a sense. And you feel guilty if you don't have sex.

I think it's problematic when sex become an expected part of the deal in a relationship. It opens partners up to coercion and, possibly in some cases, rape.

ashesgirl Sat 10-Nov-12 11:12:17

Also, it won't kill him, if you don't have sex with him.

So is there any need to feel guilty?

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