Sorry if this has been done to death - I'm fairly new to this forum - but WHAT is with all these mums who can't or won't let their DS's grow up and become independent?
What hope do they have of sustaining good adult relationships when their mums do everything for them after they've reached school-leaving age?
When I was 18 the price you paid for living at home and still having everything done for you was no freedom. DD who is not quite 16 is allowed to stay over at her 18YO BF's home, he never ever sees her unless he gets a lift, though he could get the train, it's usually at his convenience, he'll invite her round without notice but never accepts a spontaneous invitation from her and while she dreams and plans for her independence as soon as she can have it, she still seems to think his behaviour is okay. His mum goes on about how independent and tough she is, but mollycoddles her DS and exaggerates the slightest sniffle he has.
She sat with him in the car once while DD and I wondered why he wasn't at the restaurant his mum had booked for his date with DD because it was too cold to wait for DD at the door of the restaurant.
I despair. I really do. Why does my competent, capable DD think this is acceptable.
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions
DSs who don't help round the house
chocoluvva · 24/09/2012 23:27
My taste in boyfriends has definitely improved 
You have to kiss a few frogs etc.
The thing is that his laziness or whatever won't be of concern to her now because she's never experienced living together with someone in a relationship so the issue of "who does the dishes and washes the socks" is probably totally off her radar. And even if she has thought of this it will be in a very abstract way because you just have no idea as a teenager what it's like to run a home and the amount of work that is involved! Also I'd have thought it's pretty unlikely that she'd associate a general lack of independence on his part with a "lazy husband" sort of mentality because, remember, she's in the generation that think they have equality :( that one comes as a bit of a shock. She won't see herself stepping into the "housewife/mother" role because it just won't occur to her that anyone still does that. And yet, she'd probably find herself doing it anyway because social conditioning tells women and girls that we are important if we're taking care of people (also the reasoning behind mums who mollycoddle boys) and that men don't see dirt/don't care about dirt and she'll be aware on a subconscious level that it will be her who gets judged if their house is untidy, even if she's only consciously aware that she cares what it looks like for visitors and he doesn't.
BUT - don't panic just yet. She's not yet 16 and it's rather unlikely they'll still be together by the time she leaves home, and even if they are if she's an independent type she'll get bored of doing everything before very long and then she'll know exactly what to avoid next time!
Still, if she's not planning on going to uni, I'd drum into her that it's a really really good idea to move into your own flat or somewhere with friends for at least a year or two before you move in with a partner, and never to move in with a bloke who's just moved out of the family home either. (I wish I'd listened to this 
)
Argh then he'll be even worse because he'll expect her to keep up the standards his mum has!
Still. I'm sure it won't last. (Make sure she's on triple contraception 
)
If you're worried you've been too critical why not have a heart to heart with her, and from now on make an effort to praise or mention things that you think she's done well, or you could write her a nice letter/card/photo book keepsake for her 16th birthday if you think she'd be too embarrassed (and I suppose it's better as she can look back on it in years to come too...) saying how proud you are of her and listing all of the amazing/incredible things that you admire about her or that you're proud of her for, I bet that would give her a great boost to her sense of self worth.
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Baffled, but fairly familiar with it, surely? We must all have known young men like this and I bet most of us still do.
If she's annoyed at the idea she's a 'nice girlfriend' she is probably on the right track .
What happens when he comes over to yours? I had my little cousin and (similar, but slightly more consciously rude) teenager boyfriend over to ours a while back and it was the funniest thing to see him working it out when my DH got up to clear things up, and when we expected him to pitch in (he wasn't really there as a guest, we were putting them up so they could do stuff nearby).
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