A powerful description of a rape

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

beingfeministblog.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/how-i-became-a-rape-victim/

[Uppercut]

"I had no idea who this guy was, had never seen him before in my life..."

I don't understand why being raped by a complete stranger is called 'date rape'.

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

Sorry perhaps I used the wrong title

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

This isn't date rape - if you report the title HQ will change it.

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

Ok thanks, have done

[Dana1981]

Is this a true story or a coffee break fiction story taken from a woman's magazine?

[Bobits]

I feel sad to read this.

From the tone of the author, it reads very much from the tone of a victim and not a survivor. That saddens me.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

I think it's the writer's true story, Dana.

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

It is true

[LulaBear]

It makes me weep how true this is for me. Except in my case, I felt responsible because I was stoned (though it had been laced with something else, crack cocaine, I believe from the manner I smoked it) and it was multiple men.
"So I had lots of sex I didn?t want, with men I didn?t like, who didn?t force me to have it but who didn?t much care if I wanted it or not, to prove to myself that an unwanted fuck was no big deal and not worth getting upset about"
It took me years of therapy&group therapy to say that out loud! Thank you, thank you for saying this. I truly believed I was alone. Thank you!

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

I am so sorry this happened to you. No it was not your fault. Getting stoned does not give a man the right to rape you. We shouldnt have to be in a state of constant vigilance to avoid getting raped.

And unfortunately, I dont think this kind of rape or responding to it in this way, is unusual.

[IsBella]

Hi
I did this post, it's my blog and I've joined the Mumsnet bloggers network.

Am interested in the difference between victims and survivors and would like to know what the difference is, I might do a blog post about that.

[LulaBear]

EatsBrainsAndLeves Thank you :) Fortunately, in my PCT I had a lot of support and managed to realise it wasn't my fault. It makes me sad that in different areas of the country young women don't have this.
IsBella, in my experience, the only difference in survivors and victims is the amount of help they receive. In some areas mental health professionals are 6 months to a year away, enough time for anyone to give up.

[FastidiaBlueberry]

I wonder what the implications are.

I consider myself both.

But I wonder if there is some sort of "hierarchy" - like if you're not a survivor, somehow you're not doing the woman-who-has-been-raped gig properly?

[itsthequietones]

I have victim days and survivor days, more victim days, but that will change.

For me, being a rape victim means that my emotions are controlling me - I'm getting flashbacks, feel in a state of panic, can't deal with it, I feel as though I will never see an end to what I'm going through, that I'm changed and that he is still in control of me.

My survivor days are when I know that things are changing, that I'm getting stronger, that he won't win, when I finally believe that it wasn't my fault and that one day my life won't be defined by what he did to me.

[FastidiaBlueberry]

Hmm, the problem with that is that for years I was a survivor.

And then by that definition, I suddenly became a victim when I started getting long delayed trauma responses like flashbacks etc.

[FastidiaBlueberry]

I suppose what I'm saying is that I'm not sure it's helpful to make a distinction.

[EatsBrainsAndLeaves]

IsBella - Thank you for posting your experience of being raped online and so sorry you went through that. So many women and men still think of rape as an incident with a stranger pouncing on them and assume they would fight back and scream if anyone tried to rape them. The reality is the majority of rapes women experience are not like that and we rarely react how we imagine we will.

[AbigailAdams]

Thank you Fastidia for articulating why I felt uncomfortable about the whole victim/survivor description.

IsBella thank you for writing this and so very sorry you went through it.

[itsthequietones]

I'm sorry Fastidia, I didn't mean to cause any offence with my comment. It's how I see myself, not how I see others or expect others to see themselves (does that make any sense?).

[MerlinScot]

I felt a victim until I didn't fight the power that the abuse and rapes held over me. I felt a survivor since I started to fight the idea I deserved what had happened to me. I don't know if this made sense, hope you got what I mean.

Anyway, great post!! I am now following your blog, I've a blog on wordpress too.

[beth12345]

For most of the past decade since it happened, I have blocked it out as much as possible/been in denial. That (mostly) worked ok for me; I got on with life and so I guess in some ways that made me a 'survivor' for that period.

More recently I have been thinking more about my experiences and am trying to accept what happened and move beyond it, but that is proving very difficult and so I guess this is more the 'victim' mindset. But, longer term, I very much want to perceive myself as a 'survivor' - I certainly don't want to be defined by what happened to me - I want to accept what happened but also accept that it was not my fault.

From my perspective, it seems that a victim blames themselves/feels responsible, whereas a survivor can accept that they were not to blame in any way.