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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

A little advice please

20 replies

lemonsquish · 26/09/2011 19:56

DD2, who is 12 and in year 8 has just told me that she was 'scooped' by a boy in her class at school. Apparently this means that he cupped his hand under her breast

She's obviously upset and feels embarrassed. She said that it has happened to other girls, by different boys, and that she and her friend have said that they will report them for sexual harassment if it happens again, but I don't know how seriously the boys will take this. From what DD said, not very.

She also said that she has to put up with them talking to each other about what porn they have been watching at home, I don't know if they are just trying to look cool in front of their mates or if they really watch it ,but they're 12 and 13 years old! This is never right, is it!

I asked DD to tell me if it happens again and I will telephone the school, but I've had a think and I'm wondering whether to e-mail them now. Surely something like this needs to be taken seriously.

What's going on with young boys these days? Why do they think this is acceptable?

What do you think?

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StewieGriffinsMom · 26/09/2011 19:58

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AyeBelieveInTheHumanityOfMen · 26/09/2011 19:59

I am really sorry that those boys are doing these things to your daughter and the other girls.

I would get the school involved now. Your daughter needs to know that you take it seriously and she (and the others) need protecting from that kind of behaviour.

lemonsquish · 26/09/2011 20:03

Yes I think I will phone them in the morning.

Do you think the police should get involved? I'm fuming about it but the boys obviously don't think they're doing any harm. I'm hoping that the school will at least speak to all children about boundries etc.

OP posts:

lemonsquish · 26/09/2011 20:06

Yes Aye,they do need protecting. I don't want them to think that this is normal and to expect it.

It seems so sad that young boys are acting like this, I'm just so shocked and sad

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StewieGriffinsMom · 26/09/2011 20:09

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Tyr · 26/09/2011 20:12

They could be bullshitting about the porn. The rest is sexual assault. You need to phone the school and let them know that you will be keeping your daughter out of school unless they give you a guarantee that it will be dealt with. Ask them how they intend to deal with it as you cannot let your child attend school unless they guarantee her safety.
Phone them first as an emergency measure and then follow it up in writing.
I would be surprised if the school don't act robustly.

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 26/09/2011 20:13

I also suggest getting the school involved. This is sexual harrassment, and these boys need to know it's not acceptable.

I also echo the involvement of the police, if the school does nothing

LRDTheFeministDragon · 26/09/2011 20:15

Oh, yuck, your poor DD.

I hope school come down hard.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 26/09/2011 20:15

Oh lemon, how horrible for your DD and you are right to show her that this type of behaviour shouldn't be tolerated. I am a bit about the police - not because I don't feel it warrants it, but because I am not sure that they would take it seriously. Definitely try the school first. If they don't bite then you can always turn to the police (which may give the school a kick up the arse and negate the need for the police).

lemonsquish · 26/09/2011 20:41

Thanks for all your replies. DD2 is worried that if I talk to the school that people will find out and she will be blamed for any trouble. I'm hoping that they will keep it confidential wrt names etc.

DD1 told me that if I don't talk to the school then she will (she's in year 11) and is also shocked.

OP posts:

thederkinsdame · 26/09/2011 20:45

If it happened in the street and it was a boy she didn't know, it would be a sexual assault, being in school makes no difference. Why don't you speak to the other mum (if you know her) and make a joint complaint? I would get it nipped in the bud before the boys try anything else on.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/09/2011 20:46

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kat2504 · 26/09/2011 20:47

You should notify the school as soon as possible. The boys are probably thinking it is just fun and may not have considered the full extent of their action. They need to have a serious bollocking and made to realise what they are doing is actually sexual assault and if an adult did that in a workplace, or any place they would be in deep shit. They need to be severely reprimanded. Not just a couple of detentions but in a parents coming in to talk to the head, two day isolation kind of punishment.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 26/09/2011 21:28

School and police. It's sexual assault. And it's not a one off. I just read this to DH and he said, 'It's got a name? If it's got a name it's obviously happening a lot.'

'The boys are probably thinking it is just fun and may not have considered the full extent of their action'

Do you really think a 12 year old doesn't know that touching someone's breasts or genitals is inappropriate? FFS 5 year olds know that.

KRITIQ · 26/09/2011 22:55

I certainly agree with the advice above. What happened to your daughter was a sexual assault and if it has it's own nickname, probably is a fairly common happening. It is totally unacceptable that this should happen to any girl, whether in school or not and whether the perpetrator is another child or an adult.

I doubt the boys are bluffing about watching porn either. I can't find the citation for the study, but this article from the Times early last year, Boys who see porn more likely to harass girls says that 60% of boys under 16 in the UK have been exposed to porn and the age of first exposure has decreased from 15 to 11 within a decade. On average, those who do view porn do so for 90 minutes a week. Michael Flood's, "The Harms of Pornography Exposure Among Children and Young People" is pretty frightening, but worth a read. It sites copious research showing a connection between use of pornography by young men and the age of first sex, the sexual practices they engage in (e.g. anal sex, group sex) and not surprisingly, views of women as sex objects.

Let us know what happens, okay? Good luck.

WilsonFrickett · 26/09/2011 23:30

Sheesh

There's a thread on AIBU about a 12 year old DSS accessing porn on the OPs computer FWIW.

You need to go into the school tomorrow. This is completely unacceptable. However, I think there's also a CP angle for the boys - if they have been accessing porn freely then their lines between what is acceptable and what isn't will be very blurred. I do not mean to belittle your DDs experience at all, and you need to fight that battle for her, but I would hope that the school would try to include some sort of education element in their response.

kat2504 · 27/09/2011 08:48

I didn't mean that they didn't know it was wrong. Of course they know it is wrong. I meant that they may not be aware that it is actually a criminal offence and this is a fact they need to be made aware of. They need to be seriously scared off the idea of trying it again.

Himalaya · 27/09/2011 09:27

Lemonsquish - definitely go to the school. It sounds like a widespread practice/craze in their year group - so I would try to think not so much about coming down heavy on the boy who did it to your DD this time, but about the school having a response that makes clear that (A) this is absolutely not acceptable (B) there is a clear channel to complain (C) there will be serious consequences (spelled out).

The porn thing I guess is harder for school to deal with, as it is outside of their premises. If they sent a letter home to parents inviting them in for a talk on 'the Dangers of Porn' they might not get many turning up. I guess they could do a session for parents on sexual health and/or internet safety, but still it would be a brave teacher that decides to put that together. My guess is they try to keep their head down and leave it to the parents.

My advice would be to engage with the school first on the scooping issue. Make clear that you are not going about it in a litigious way (...in this first instance..) but want to work with them to make sure that the school gives children good messages on sex, behavior towards others, respect, peer pressure, control of their own bodies etc...Try to be positive in your approach. Offer to join/start a committee on sexual health & sexuality, talk to the lead governor etc...in that way see if you can find allies inside the school to help tackle the broader issue.

sportsfanatic · 27/09/2011 15:47

Many many years ago my (then)13 year old daughter had her breast grabbed by a boy at school - it seemed to be the 'fashion' of that term for the boys to do that. She punched him on the jaw and laid him out. She had no more trouble. She then went to the head, admitted what she had done and said she couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again if the school didn't do something to deal with the situation. They did.

Above is just a fact - not for one moment saying I disagree with anyone about going to the school, though I was always hot on getting my daughters to stand up for themselves and not take any shit from boys.

swallowedAfly · 27/09/2011 16:17

how did it go OP?

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