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Try to lose some weight. That looks horrible. (The words of my mother when she already knows ive been going to SW for seven weeks.

(25 Posts)
carernotasaint Sun 18-Sep-11 17:21:32

LRDTheFeministDragon Sun 18-Sep-11 18:14:45

I'm not sure if you want me to answer there or here, but I'll answer here in case you were looking for a different kind of response.

That comment is pretty awful. sad

Do you have a sense of why she does this sort of thing? I mean, does she (misguidedly!) think she is somehow being supportive in some odd way? Or does she just speak without thinking? Has she had an influence on your attitude to your body/ relationship with food in the past, do you reckon? Or does she have her own issues maybe?

Don't feel like you have to answer any of that if you don't want to, just wondering if any of them ring a bell for you.

I think it's definitely a feminist issue, how you relate to your body and how your mum influences you. It's awful that she is focussing on how you look, not how healthy you are. Can you tell her how upsetting that is? Because obviously though most of us do diet because we care how we look, as your mum your health should be the most important thing to her IMO.

I think you are doing the right thing losing slowly and gradually - keep on, it's gruelling but good in the end I reckon. Good luck! smile

msrisotto Sun 18-Sep-11 21:07:27

Link for you

I'm sorry your mum was so nasty to you.

MitchiestInge Sun 18-Sep-11 21:19:27

she would get on really well with my mum, I am still sulking about her poking my podge recently and saying 'oh yes I see what you mean' after I was whinging about it in a reassure-me way, not in a oh-go-on-then-validate-my-neurosis way

good luck with your weight loss anyway, absolutely no advice other than avoid her like the plague

carernotasaint Mon 19-Sep-11 16:16:57

Thanks everyone. I have now decided to distance myself a bit more and see less of her. There is my brothers birthday in October and then theres Christmas so i can choose to see less of her. Last time i tried this tactic my dad phoned and asked why they hadnt seen me for a couple of weeks. Its time i started speaking the truth and the truth is what they will be told if they phone me asking why.

carernotasaint Mon 19-Sep-11 16:20:59

I think that fashion magazines taking ALL the blame for womens issues with weight is unfair. I think in a lot of cases the problems stem from a girl/womans relationship with her mother. These issues run much deeper than an image on the page of a magazine.

PamBeesly Mon 19-Sep-11 16:45:10

She sounds quite toxic towards you, maybe she has her own body/food issues. Doesn't matter a curse though, thats was so rude.
My mother is obsessed with other womens' weight, always has been, she thinks women need to be a size 12 or less to be aceepted/desirable/valuable. I think its sad that she feels like this and I tell her regularly. You are right carenotasaint there is a real connection between body image and mother/daughter relationship.

PamBeesly Mon 19-Sep-11 16:47:12

Also OP do you think that on some level she is trying to sabotage your success by saying this now since she knows you are there and trying? Its a very vindictive thing to say, how hurtful.

carernotasaint Mon 19-Sep-11 22:23:15

Good point Pam. It stems right from childhood. When i was 8 years old my then GP sent me to a dietician saying i was overweight.(looking at old family photos i cant understand where he got that idea from) later on a friend of mine got a job at said surgery as a receptionist and found out that that particular doctor had been OBSESSED with weight.
When i was in my early teens in the late "80s i remember my mum looking at those adds for dodgy diet pills in the back of Sunday colour supplements and asking me to read them out to her.(shes Italian and English is not her first language) in 1990 when i was seventeen she did the Cambridge Diet. She lost weight on it even though she wasnt big in the first place.
But her hair fell out on the back of her head at the top and she had a bald patch like Friar Tuck.
She admits shes needed glasses since 1974 but refuses to do anything about it. In 1984 when i was eleven i had an eye test and was found to be short sighted. So therefore i had to wear glasses. She told me NOT to wear them because "it looks horrible"
Recently shes been banging on about Pauline Quirke and how brilliant the Lighter Life plan must be. Our doctors surgery will not give you a doctors note to do the plan saying its too restrictive.My receptionist friend told me that.
You wouldnt think that the celebrity culture and pressure from society would affect a 75 year old woman in this way. But she believes EVERYTHING she reads in the press if its anything to do with diets.
Typing this up has made me realise how incredibly lookcentric she is.

PamBeesly Mon 19-Sep-11 22:30:36

oh carenotasaint I really hope you do not think I'm being judgemental and racist but when you said your mum was Italian I though, hmmm sounds familiar. I lived in Italy for a while teaching, I was down south. I found the people, both men and women, to be obsessed with being thin and how they looked. They praised the super skinny look. I remember one group of students telling me that when I reduced my silhouette they would go out for coffee with me angry I think its quite a cultural thing. I think if it was your mum the pressure would be more intense as she'd feel she could say this to you freely.
I can't overstate enough how obsessed with being thin they are. Maybe in some way that has influenced the way your mum is. It will never excuse her rudeness towards you though. I'm so sorry if I offend any Italians reading this, I just wanted to give me experience to the OP

carernotasaint Mon 19-Sep-11 22:53:53

Pam you have not offended me at all. Ive only been to Italy twice,once when i was four and once when i was ten. The second time my brother and my male cousins were allowed to play in a car on blocks that was parked near the house.In the meantime a female cousin and i were given a MASSIVE pile of washing up to do. What you state is absolutely true. Women are treated like second class citezens over there. I have absolutely NO intention of going back there EVER. I hope you told those students to shove their coffee up their arse. I have also had some bad experiences with Italian men. My mum used to leave my bro and me with a couple she knew while she and my dad went out to work when i was between the ages of nine and twelve.The man in the couple was Italian. One day years later when i was sixteen and walking home from college,this man stopped and offered me a lift.I got in the car and then he drove to a deserted spot and asked me to kiss him.He was 56 and i felt sick and said no. I was fuckin petrified. i thought he was going to force me or hurt me. Luckily something clicked in his mind and he did drive me home. I told my dad who went mental. My mum asked me why i got in the car with him and i said i thought it was ok cos she used to leave us round there as kids.
When i was in Italy when i was ten my male cousin used to come in my room there and French kiss me. Something inside my head sensed i would get the blame so i didnt say anything.
I would never contemplate dating an Italian man EVER. i dont trust them and i dont want to go back there.

PamBeesly Mon 19-Sep-11 22:58:31

I'm so sorry for you carenotasaint,what horrible experiences. The old guy sounds disgusting, I used to be approached when I was walking to work on my own by men who would offer me money for sex, and they would speak in English. I don't know why there were so many like that, the girl I lived with (who is Irish as well) used to have the same hassle with men. I think the point to take away here is that you are doing your best to get as healthy as you can and your mother is trying to knock you down. Don't let her. I know its easy to say, because mothers really get under your skin but truly try to stay focused and not listen to any negativity. Don't be sabotaged and good luck

carernotasaint Mon 19-Sep-11 23:15:33

Thankyou Pam. God you must have been pertrified them approaching you like that when you were on your own. The way i think of things now though is like you said. To stay focused on my goal and to look forward not back. I think the view over there is that women are either virgins or whores.
You only have to look at Silvio Burlesconis attitude to women as an example.

PamBeesly Mon 19-Sep-11 23:41:48

Silvio is vile, so vile and so many of my students (male and female) revered him. When I went up to Naples at weekends you would see so many prostitutes on the side of the street doing deals and going off in cars, they'd be back 20 minutes later and it would start all over again, when I had to wait for a bus (which was always late) I was quite scared, I tried to travel with my friend as often as possible.
Good luck with your diet, take it one day at a time, and my best tips for dieting is to be organised and never be hungry smile Eat lots of good natural food and avoid processed food if you can at all.

UrsulaWoleffay Mon 19-Sep-11 23:43:24

I swear never to do this to my daughter like my mother has to me.

carernotasaint Tue 20-Sep-11 00:25:41

Every time Silvio comes on the TV i have to turn it over. I cant bear to look at the creep.
My aunt (mums younger sister) is so different to my mum. When i told her id reached a size 14 (and my mum still didnt think it was small enough,)my aunt said "What the hell is wrong with being a size 14." Maybe there was more pressure on my mum being the eldest,i dont know but my aunt has NEVER criticised me or made me feel bad.

carernotasaint Tue 20-Sep-11 00:31:30

Pam Naples is where my mum comes from. I can now see why she aint keen on going back there. And why shes not too bothered about me not wanting too. I did see on the news the big piles of garbage lining the street there.Apparently he was suppossed to sort it.
However hes been too busy thinking with his dick and chasing seventeen year old lap dancers.

PamBeesly Tue 20-Sep-11 18:21:15

carenotasaint your mam probably never wants to go back there, its riddled with so much crime and corruption. Silvio is viler than vile and a very bad caricature of an old perv (but the sad thing is the power he has) but so many Italians idolise him as 'the man' bleugh.
PS size 14 is LOVELY [GRIN] (I was a size 14 when I lived in Italy and I was looked at as if I was an elephant, how sad...for them)

carernotasaint Tue 20-Sep-11 23:00:55

I have this evening filled in a form to go and see a counsellor. Luckily there isnt a long waiting list here but i had to put the reasons for wanting to see a counsellor on the form which was hard. I had to put that ive always been made to feel that i have to apologise simply for being a woman. Agree though that Naples has been neglected and allowed to turn into a shithole.

carernotasaint Tue 20-Sep-11 23:03:25

I would LOVE to be a size 14 now. That would be a small enough size for me.
I never will go back there and to make sure im never bullied into it i dont have a passport.

PamBeesly Tue 20-Sep-11 23:03:34

I went to a counsellor for mother issues care and I found it helped me, just allowed me to feel without feeling guilty ifyswim. I feel a lot more capable of standing up for myself and my opinions/feelings now. I had to accept a lot of things and let some things go but I feel much better for it. I hope you find some peeace with it and good luck with the diet smile

PamBeesly Tue 20-Sep-11 23:05:46

No one should be able to bully you either, you are your own person and make your own decisions, sometimes it a relief to dump some toxic baggage and stand up for yourself, let everyone else get on with it, just ignore them, I hope the counselling helps.

carernotasaint Tue 20-Sep-11 23:44:45

Thanks Pam. I think its long overdue and that i should have arranged something years ago.

carernotasaint Thu 22-Sep-11 01:31:28

PamBeesly Thu 22-Sep-11 15:24:01

that article doesn't surprise me Care, I saw it when I taught young girls and teenagers, I saw it equally with the boys as well. Its in the Italian psyche.

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