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Feminism: chat

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

So angry with ex boasting about his exploits and his dad's

11 replies

Orbinator · 14/07/2011 12:14

About to give birth to my first, a baby girl (hopefully tomorrow!).
Ex was an unregistered sperm donor (some of you may be familiar with my story from other posts) but we stupidly tried to have a relationship for around 6 months. As soon as he found out it was a girl he left, literally the next day.

Since then he has told me on numerous occasions about visiting strip clubs with work. He's even boasted that he is seen as a wild card at work and so gets given all of the "difficult" clients needing such extra curricular activities . He's admitted to more than private dances since we've known each other and whilst I was pg, paying for private dances and more for colleagues (one of which he did because he didn't like the guy's fiancee - they broke up afterwards and the guy apparently told my ex "I had no idea women came like that!" after said EXTRA private dance in LA. No idea what kind of "came" was meant but fear the worst :( ) He really does corrupt everyone with this. Plus he mentioned having a "very thorough" thai massage on his latest trip to India...and I think I strongly suspect what that would involve. He seems to think BJ's carry less risk of STI's :(

Then came the bombshell. His dad moved to Vietnam recently after multiple marriages and girlfriends. For some reason his latest g.f wasn't there when he moved and was following on later - death in her family I think. He hooked up with 2 gay guys, did heroin and can't remember much of a whole week after his arrival there. I was quite appalled at how he is trying to relive his teens in such an irresponsible way but ex found it amusing. Next ex boasts he got a message from him (his dad) saying he had just had the best and cheapest BJ from a transvestite! . He told me this 4 days before I'm due to give birth to his first born daughter. Seemed to think it was funny. Then tells me his dad has been trying to get him to go over to see him but because I'm giving birth he's had to decline. Oh poooooor him! I can only imagine what they were hoping to get up to together.

I am thoroughly disgusted and really can't see myself wanting this guy anywhere near my daughter, let alone his father. I don't want to come across as an uptight puritan either so how do I explain his behaviour and his fathers is unreasonable and disrespectful in a way that might get through to him? Any stats out there I can throw at him? He's meant to be at the birth but i'm so angry at him I'm now tempted not to tell him when I go into labour...

Phew, sorry for the long rant. I've been up since 4:30am thinking about it all and needed to get it out.

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LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 14/07/2011 12:29

I can't offer any useful advice. This is the person you chose to have a child with. You are not in a relationship why would he listen to you?

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Orbinator · 14/07/2011 12:34

I know, and am forever saddened that I found out too much about him and allowed him into our lives. He has said recently on more than one occasion he wants to have a relationship again and I have said no. He says he wants roots but I can't see anyone putting up with this behaviour. It sometimes feels as though he does it to punish me in some way.

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sunshineandbooks · 14/07/2011 12:44

WOW! He sounds like a massive twat!

I understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't want this 'man' being anywhere near my DD either. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, and for better or worse this man is your DD's father. You now have to find a way to protect your DD from him if he decides he wants to be a part of her life. TBH though, from everything you've written above I strongly suspect that he will drift out of both your lives quite quickly.

First of all, detach. This man is not going to listen to you, that much is clear. So stop trying to get him understand. You'll spend your whole life trying and become increasingly frustrated and upset by his lack of response. You'll prevent yourself from moving on and your DD will pick up on all the friction which will be damaging to her.

All you need to do is decide what you consider safe and acceptable for your DD and refuse to countenance any other behaviour from him. What he gets up to when he's not round your DD is not your problem.

Given that he seems to think indulging in prostitutes and lapdances is ok, and that he has used Class A drugs, I think you'd be well within your rights to insist on supervised contact only. This man is indulging in illegal activity that could potentially endanger your daughter. That doesn't make you puritanical, it makes him an exploitive, drug-using abuser.

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Orbinator · 14/07/2011 12:50

Well, it's his dad who did heroin...but yes. I agree and was thinking the same about supervised contact. Only thing is, how do I prove all of this? I've got the odd email where he's told me he's been to a lapdancing club the night before or whatever but the rest were said face to face when he read emails or texts from his dad or thinking he was recounting a funny story (his colleague). He had also hidden my pg from work (of course I assume he was sleeping with a colleague hence the secrecy) and when they recently found out - he's left the company now - he said he got a lot of "you dirty dog!" comments, which only makes me think I was right to be cautious with him as it insinuates more going on than I already know about.

I kick myself for not going to a registered clinic, I really do. He's made the whole pg a nightmare and I don't intend to let him influence my child at all.

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sunshineandbooks · 14/07/2011 13:13

Do you need to prove anything? I get the distinct impression that he's not as committed to this baby as you are, and that if you don't chase after him he'll simply drift away. In which case, problem solved.

Also, if you register the birth alone, he won't have automatic parental responsibility. He could get it easily enough by applying to court, but would he actually bother? Doesn't sound like it to me. He sounds like a player, more interested in having a good time than living up to his responsibilities.

Likewise, if you set up a situation where he can only see the baby with you around - because of BF-ing or whatever - then you have supervised contact without having an argument about it. By the time the baby has grown old enough for the father to ask difficult questions about wanting to take her out on his own, I suspect the novelty of spending time with your baby will have worn off and he'll become one of the many absent fathers who lose all contact with their child within a few years of separation.

You don't have to be obstructive about this, just don't help him. I think his personality and time will take care of the rest.

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Orbinator · 14/07/2011 13:45

Thanks Sunshine. I do think the novelty will wear off. I haven't spoken to him properly for a few days since he said it and he hasn't made much of an effort to get in touch despite the birth poss happening tomorrow! All I know is that he's stayed in London with people (he won't tell me who they are) for 2 nights and with a girl from his old work tonight before he comes to my birth tomorrow...that in itself has made me quite as she was the prime suspect I had for him cheating, but I don't want to push it as obviously it's not really any of my business and I don't want him to think I care for personal reasons. I've told him he can stay for a few nights after the birth too which I wish now I hadn't.

I think you speak wise words though and I'll let him sort out the future contact details. I think it's the least he can do if he does actually want to see her. I certainly won't be chasing him about!

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sunshineandbooks · 14/07/2011 13:49

While all this is going on, it may be worth keeping a journal of every conversation you have with him, any events you think are relevant, etc. If things change in the future and you need to protect your DD more proactively, it will help you enormously.

Hope it works out ok for you and good luck with the imminent birth.

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Orbinator · 14/07/2011 13:55

Thank you so much Sunshine. I have kept all emails from him so I have most of the stuff written down already but a journal with timeline might be helpful, as you say, just in case.

It's so silly thinking how long this has been going on, but really nice to be able to talk about it and get it off my chest. Thank you again .

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sunshineandbooks · 14/07/2011 14:01

You're welcome. Hope the next few days are everything you're hoping for.

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HerBeX · 14/07/2011 22:49

God, don't let him be at the birth if you don't want him there. You're the most important person in that room at that time and you need to feel relaxed, comfortable and safe, not bothered by some half-wit.

Good luck for the birth.

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Orbinator · 14/07/2011 22:58

Thanks HerBex - I literally just had a text from him (first communication all day) talking about his training and old job buying him a meal and him having some drinks. He's bound to be tired tomorrow anyway so have told him there's not any rush as I doubt it will happen. Actually thinking I just won't bother telling him if I am in labour tbh. His idea of helping was to maybe do the hoovering to give him something to do. Like that won't be annoying! I do wonder why I took him to the antenatal classes as he doesn't seem to have understood the bit about calming at all!