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Not bothered about sex

(229 Posts)
newyearbunny Sat 01-Jan-11 10:19:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lamorna Sat 01-Jan-11 10:34:25

Make time for each other as a couple and get away from being parents once in a while.

sadbutresigned Sat 01-Jan-11 10:39:06

Name change here too.

I am 50 and in a similar situation except in my case it is my husband who is not interested.

We haven't really had any sex life to talk about for many years.

In all other aspects he is a great husband. Kind, considerate, a great father.

I understand that if he has a low sex drive he won't be interested but it is hard on me.

MankyPissFlaps Sat 01-Jan-11 10:40:56

Is this a Joke? Do people really have sex at 52? Don't worry about it love .... any reasonable husband would recognise that you are well past it at that age!!!

Why not get him a Polish Au Pair??

Lamorna Sat 01-Jan-11 10:44:05

Start being intimate without sex, go for a walk and hold hands, cuddle up on the sofa etc, do a new hobby together. You are parents for a very short time and a couple for a very long time (hopefully)and you need to prepare for the day that you will be alone together, by putting each other first once in a while.

ISNT Sat 01-Jan-11 11:05:17

manky you're a bit weird and I assume a troll.

newyearbunny do you want a feminist perspective or just some advice? - relationships might be a good place to post although I'm sure you'll get replies here smile

I'm not much good on this stuff I'm afraid - sex drive not returned since DD2 so I'm not going to be much help!

MankyPissFlaps Sat 01-Jan-11 11:27:14

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dittany Sat 01-Jan-11 11:38:11

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Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 01-Jan-11 11:42:01

That said, if he feels that he can't be in a relationship without sex, he is not obliged to stay in it.

So, talk to him. You'll have to make a decision as a couple - clearly, having sex you don't want isn't an option, so are you prepared to negotiate an open relationship? Are you prepared to break up over it? You do need compromises, here. Of course he's not entitled to sex with you; but he is entitled to consider sex an integral part of his life, and to not accept a life without it.

ISNT Sat 01-Jan-11 11:42:08

I think that your response was unhelpful and trollish in the extreme, designed to upset the OP who is looking for advice on a sensitive matter.

I also think that the women who frequent the relationships board give great advice about this sort of thing and that if the OP and sadbutresigned post there, they will get some good advice. A valuable point to make, and a helpful one.

What on earth makes you think I'm celibate? You have no idea what my sex drive was like before my children.

In short, you have every right to post provocative comments designed to upset people, of course, but others have every right to point out that it's a nasty way to behave.

dittany Sat 01-Jan-11 11:44:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MankyPissFlaps Sat 01-Jan-11 11:45:02

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dittany Sat 01-Jan-11 11:47:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newyearbunny Sat 01-Jan-11 11:50:48

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Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 01-Jan-11 11:51:21

I don't think anyone has the right to expect sex to the point where it negates the willingness of the other person. I absolutely understand what you're saying; men do tend to be brought up to feel entitled to sex, and it definitely plays into rape culture and the like.

But it's also fairly widely accepted (although perhaps that's because of a heterosexist culture)that physical intimacy is a fairly important human need. If my husband told me he never wanted sex again but he also wouldn't be willing for me to have sex with someone else, I think it's well within reason for me to decide that's not a deal I'll accept.

I didn't say the OP should put out because her husband was entitled. I said she should understand that he could decide that an arrangement allowing him to seek it elsewhere is reasonable. I don't actually see that as a huge threat or problem if it's negotiated properly.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 01-Jan-11 11:54:36

Cross posted.

OP, if you don't want sex ever, then I assume it's not that important for you in the scheme of things? I mean, you love your husband and find him attractive, so you can clearly separate that out from wanting to have sex.

So why would it be a problem if he sought physical gratification elsewhere? Are you thinking that men can't separate sex and love like you can?

dittany Sat 01-Jan-11 11:56:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aviatrix Sat 01-Jan-11 11:56:55

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Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 01-Jan-11 11:59:44

Who said penetrative sex, dittany? i'm assuming the OP is reluctant to have any sort of sex - which I'm defining as 'physical intimacy leading to at least one orgasm'.

But I agree absolutely to the extent that her desire not to have sex trumps his to have sex with her. But I think it's unfair if she knows it's an absolute thing, and isn't telling him because she wants - effectively - to prevent him from making an informed choice.

dittany Sat 01-Jan-11 12:01:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newyearbunny Sat 01-Jan-11 12:03:56

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Tortoiseonthehalfshell Sat 01-Jan-11 12:06:36

Are you happy to have other sorts of sex with him, then, Newyearbunny? I don't want you to get graphic, obviously, but that entirely changes my view - which is about physical intimacy, not PIV sex.

dittany Sat 01-Jan-11 12:07:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lamorna Sat 01-Jan-11 12:09:56

People seem to have a very weird idea of marriage and 'rights'. I would presume that OP married because she loved the man and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, it was a free choice and she didn't have to make it. If she still loves him and is happy with her life together then it seems sensible to get back to a state of intimacy-52 yrs is very young to give up on sex. It is a problem that they should discuss together.

sakura Sat 01-Jan-11 12:10:25

I think it depends on how important you and your husband regard sex. Sex is not like breathing, it is possible to live without it, especially if the relationship is fulfilling in other ways... but I think in some ways it is sad for the person who is not "wanted" anymore.

To give you some insight from another angle, I've got a higher sex drive than DH; we get by; I would never do anything to hurt him, right now with the kids being so small, our relationship- (building on the nest for the children) is more important than sex by far and we still have sex regularly anyway.

In my case, hypothetically, if the gap widens as we age, I will have to do some soul-searching. Is sex worth destroying a relationship for? Or is sex too important to me to stay with someone who might appear content without it?

Perhaps there are aspects of your relationship that can compensate for the lack of sex.

You should definitely not feel obliged to have sex though, that does nobody any good.

[OH, GOd, just wait for SGB shock ]

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