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Faking orgasms - a feminist issue?

(18 Posts)
HecateQueenOfWitches Tue 30-Nov-10 15:32:11

Due to another thread. I am thinking of this.

It is, isn't it? Faking orgasms is about saying a woman is there to service a man and her pleasure doesn't matter enough for her to have an orgasm but faking one, well, it gives her no pleasure at all so its only purpose is to make the man feel like a stud.

Or am I overthinking?

Saltatrix Tue 30-Nov-10 15:45:43

I think this is too black and white, it's not so simple. There are times when a guy might try hard at making sure the woman he is with enjoys their time together sometimes she might not get there but does not want to demoralise the guy so just pretends.

I am assuming that the a person who pretends to have an orgasm does so because the person she is sleeping with actually cares if she has an orgasm so her pleasure is important to the guy.

By the way men can also fake orgasms as well although use of a condom makes it easier.

Here's the results of a survey for the reasons for faking an orgasm.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Abc_sexsurvey_fakeorgas m.png

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 30-Nov-10 16:41:42

I think it is a feminist issue.

If one person is trying really hard to make the other person come, and they don't - well, it's just one of those things isn't it? I'd be mortified if DP faked an orgasm. Not because it would mean that I was bad in bed, but because it would mean he was too scared/anxious/silly to just acknowledge that whatever it was wasn't working for him.

Although I cannot imagine a circumstance where his faking wouldn't be completely obvious/noticeable blush

And yes I think women feel the need to fake orgasms more because they are far far far far far far far less likely to come during penetrative sex. Or, as the patriarchy calls it, "sex".

HerBeatitude Tue 30-Nov-10 16:57:52

God yes, definitely.

I think that sometimes, women fake it because they can't be arsed to carry on any more and they just want to go to sleep, but they know that the bloke they're with thinks it's his duty to "give" them an orgasm (love that phrase) and so won't stop until he thinks that his mission has been accomplished.

But that's down to communication and expectations of what sex is about, isn't it? OTOH thinking it's your duty to donate orgasms isn't a bad thing and is infinitely preferable to someone who doesn't give a shit, but OTOH it is about making him feel better about not accomplishing his mission and my personal preference is for men who think sex should be fun, not a serious mission....

ElephantsAndMiasmas Tue 30-Nov-10 17:12:34

Yeah exactly, it's not about some bloody quest or something. It's about enjoying what you're doing, not just aiming for some goal. And if you're not enjoying it, stop. I respect DP far too much to fake it. Have done so with a previous partner when I was v young and it felt wrong at the time. It's about being confident enough to know that you're not "failing" if you don't come. It could well be because your partner is not paying enough attention to what s/he is doing. But just as likely (especially in long term relationships) that one of you is too tired, or you are sore/dry due to hormone levels, or just not in the right frame of mind for some reason. Nothing wrong with any of those things.

But if you fake it then it means one of you is putting up with bad sex. And the problem with this is - aside from it being just not nice - that it will put you off sex in general after a while.

dittany Tue 30-Nov-10 17:15:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msrisotto Tue 30-Nov-10 17:56:47

The whole idea that a man should be the individual responsible for making a woman come, is taking a womans sexuality out of her hands. I'm not saying this very well. But it is saying that HE has all the power which frankly, puts a lot of pressure on men (and isn't very balanced or healthy) and takes power away from women with their own sexuality.

HecateQueenOfWitches Tue 30-Nov-10 18:02:36

That's true, isn't it.

A man has an orgasm

A woman is given an orgasm.

A small difference in language that screams a great big message.

snowflake69 Wed 01-Dec-10 09:22:06

I dont know if its a feminist issue but I think there is no reason why a woman cant expect an orgasm everytime and have one. It is both the responsibility of the man to find out what she likes and the responsibility of the woman to tell the man how she wants it.

I think women who fake orgasms or are happy to settle for no orgasm are their own worst enemy really. I think most men are more than happy to oblige if you tell them how you like it. I also think a good man should always make a woman orgasm first.

snowflake69 Wed 01-Dec-10 09:25:23

'And yes I think women feel the need to fake orgasms more because they are far far far far far far far less likely to come during penetrative sex. Or, as the patriarchy calls it, "sex

I like doing 69 first getting mine first then going on to sex. Then everyones a winner. I never understand why women dont make sure they orgasm from oral before sex every time then when they have sex it feels way better to and everyones happy and satisfied.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 01-Dec-10 09:31:57

"I never understand why women dont make sure they orgasm from oral before sex every time" - because their tongues aren't long enough?

I think a lot of women feel that their partner's satisfaction in bed - or more likely their ego - is more important than their own. So they need to reward him for "trying", lest he become discouraged.

Ragwort Wed 01-Dec-10 09:33:59

Not all women like oral sex - I certainly don't grin.

snowflake69 Wed 01-Dec-10 09:34:50

God fuck that if I dont get mine I am a moody bitch grin

Ryoko Wed 01-Dec-10 10:34:23

I've never had one sad he's useless and he knows it and I ain't faking anything.

Why the hell would someone fake enjoying something? thats not going to help anything, better to say "good effort must try harder".

Reality is a bitch.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 01-Dec-10 10:48:00

Never ever, Ryoko?

Does he keep "trying harder" then or has he given up?

totally agree with "why the hell would someone fake enjoying something?"

Especially something being done to your body. I mean, if it was a poorly seasoned soup you were having for dinner or something, fine, you might struggle through to avoid hurting someone's feelings. You can always leave it. But you can't just check out of your body.

Ryoko Wed 01-Dec-10 11:48:06

He tries, he just don't last long enough.

HerBeatitude Wed 01-Dec-10 12:35:48

OK I hesitate to set myself up as some kind of sex therapist or something, but it seems a bit obvious to me that if he doesn't last long enough, then the thing to do is to make sure you come before penetration occurs, or at least to ensure that foreplay lasts so long, that by the time penetration does occur (and remembering that there's no law that says it has to) you're already so much in the zone that you are much more likely to come.

I think this is part of the problem - that phallocentric view of sex as being all about penetration and that the only "real" sex is penetrative. This is not right and IMO probably the main reason why post-Cosmoplitan and Shere Hite, so many women still don't have orgasms during sex.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 01-Dec-10 12:40:24

yes - the "sex where you orgasm" for most/many women is traditionally known as foreplay. Foreplay because it's "before" the real thing i.e. the bit where the man gets to come. It's unbelievably male-centred when you think about it. And not long at all since feminists and, you know, realists, started pointing out that the vaginal orgasm is not a possibility for many women. And being unable to come during PIV sex is not a "failure" or sign of immaturity FFS.

I mean, how many men would come if you touched their balls alone?

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