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what to say to a man who says he doesn't get up with his DDs at night?

(49 Posts)
foreverastudent Fri 17-Sep-10 19:04:38

I was chatting to a male aquaintance and I asked how his DDs were. One is almost 3 the other 3 months. I asked. flippantly "they keeping you up at night?", to which he relied "no, (pause) but they are keeping XYZ (his partner) up, chuckle". There followed an awkward silence where he could tell I wasn't too impressed by what he said. I just nodded in silence.

I later wished I'd had a really good rebut to his comment.

I know he hasn't done anything heinous or even unusual but what would have been a good feminist retort to his remark?

TheCrackFox Fri 17-Sep-10 19:14:30

TBh if they are being BF then I don't see any point in him getting up. Regardless, he sounds like a twat.

JessinAvalon Fri 17-Sep-10 19:21:20

I've read (and not had a chance to put it into practice yet) that a good way to respond to a stupid or abusive comment is to just say "what?" in a polite/enquiring voice.

This forces the person to repeat the comment and it gives them a chance to see what a stupid thing it is they've said.

I'd've been tempted to say, in the above situation, rather innocently, "oh, why's that then?" then, if it's that his partner is breastfeeding, he could have said so, and if it's that he's a lazy idiot, he'd have had to have said something to excuse himself and thus making himself look more of a prat.

It might, just might have caused him to reflect afterwards. Unless he's a lost cause in which case I feel sorry for his poor partner!

RamblingRosa Fri 17-Sep-10 19:53:47

I used to work with a guy who used to boast about the fact that he didn't do anything to do with the children (had never changed a nappy, didn't get up in the night etc) because he worked and his wife was a SAHM therefore it was woman's work and he wouldn't lower himself to do it.

I hated him. I did tackle him on it (drunkenly in a pub). Just asked him loads of questions and tried to point out what a hideous misogynist pig he was and that I felt really sorry for his poor wife who had to put up with him. I don't think it made much of an impact.

It's always been me on night duty. At first because I was bfing and now (DD's nearly 3 and is still a bad sleeper) because I wake up when DD wakes up in the night and DP snores through it. She's also used to it being me now and gets upset if DP tries to comfort her instead.

It does piss me off but I don't really see a way round it.

BosomForAPillow Fri 17-Sep-10 22:01:18

I thought for a minute that you were going to say he gets up for a ds but not for a dd. shock

Maybe "Oh, don't you help at all?"

Then he'd have a chance to explain if he actually does help (maybe in other ways) or he'd have to say, "No." And then maybe realise what a twat he is.

seeyoukay Fri 17-Sep-10 23:18:48

Depends on the arrangements. If the DW is on maternity leave then it makes sense for her to get up esp if the DH has a full time job. By full time I mean 8 hours+ and a monster commute.

If the DH is off with the kids and the DW is the one with the full time job then the other applies.

What is the point of the DH getting up just to sit and watch his DW breast feed?

TechLovingDad Fri 17-Sep-10 23:24:37

I suspect his chuckling meant that he knows he should help but can't be arsed.

What you say to him is this "you're a twat".

Gay40 Fri 17-Sep-10 23:35:40

I don't really class looking after your own children as helping. Helping is what my sister in law does when our car conks out. Looking after your own children is just that - looking after. NOT HELPING.

Gay40 Fri 17-Sep-10 23:37:56

I might have said "It won't be the only thing not getting up, before long."

MaryMotherOfCheeses Fri 17-Sep-10 23:42:25

"There followed an awkward silence where he could tell I wasn't too impressed by what he said. I just nodded in silence."

I'[ll bet your look said it all.

If you'd have said something, it wouldn't necessarily have helped. Just given him more to moan about.

ConstanceLingus Fri 17-Sep-10 23:42:58

Gay, x

TechLovingDad Sat 18-Sep-10 00:35:58

I do find it a bit sad that nice people feel unable to say something to idiots, though.

"there followed an awkward silence". The twat probably thought, "blimey, she's gone quiet, result".

SolidGoldBrass Sat 18-Sep-10 00:49:07

One of my favourites (though does need to be used only when you either don't care what the person thinks of you or are never going to see him/her again) is (after a considered pause) 'I'm so glad I'll never have to sleep with you.'

TechLovingDad Sat 18-Sep-10 00:52:15

SGB, have you ever had this reply "Never say never, treacle?" coupled with a cheeky wink.

That sounds like I've used it, hehe, no chance.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave Sat 18-Sep-10 01:00:50

On reflection, I would very much like to see what remained of someone who called SGB "treacle", especially coupled with a cheery wink.

booyhoo Sat 18-Sep-10 01:02:05

if it were me i would have looked at him with a very unimpressed focus. held it for a few seconds, then said, "what a knob" and walked away.

then i would have kicked myself incase his wife was BF and on mat leave, giving him no reson to get up.

TechLovingDad Sat 18-Sep-10 01:02:15


booyhoo Sat 18-Sep-10 01:07:02

me too professor!!

ClimberChick Sat 18-Sep-10 01:09:07

bf is no excuse. It makes you sleepy, so nothing stopping you passing your LO to DH to settle afterwards, unless LO has also drifted off.

If mine is not asleep straight away after 3am, it's DH's job.

Sorry bit off track. I always wish I have things to say, but end up with just an incredulous look on my face.

Gay40 Sat 18-Sep-10 12:09:57

"Blimey, and she stays married to you?!?!?!"

sfxmum Sat 18-Sep-10 12:17:44

'but they are your children, right?'
'I see you still think you are single and unencumbered sad delusion really only leads to sad and lonely old age'

Bink Sat 18-Sep-10 12:30:34

'Oh right' in a deadpan (ie not-joining-in-the-joke) voice would have said all that was needed. (Your face probably said that anyway.) I don't think people like this are reachable through rational opposition. They need just to be not validated, over & over, till they're telling their joke into a vacuum & then there's no joke.

I knew a great bloke once, black, from the southern US. Some people were in his presence talking some nostalgic rubbish about the charm of the ante-bellum South and he said, in the most courteous and calm way "Oh, you know me - I can't share the dream." That was a beautiful call to reality, brilliantly done.

ledkr Sat 18-Sep-10 12:50:58

Dh works in (imo)a bit of an old boys enviroment.He has been having all sorts of lovely advice such as "you wont get it for ages"or you wait its realy f'ing 'orrible"
and been given some handy tips for avoiding night feeds from neanderthal morons who"never got up in the night"
Lovely to see how far we have come to be recognised as equals.

Gay40 Sat 18-Sep-10 14:59:54

Again, in our all female baby raising household, the getting up in the night issue didn't crop up.

scarlotti Sat 18-Sep-10 15:54:54

My dh got up in the night last night for the first time. DS2 is 11mo, DS1 is almost 5.
Why? Because I had an op yesterday on my hand and so can't lift the baby. As he was so tired, he slept in this morning whilst I got up with both DS' and single-handedly (literally) got their breakfasts and fed the little one.
DH is a twat, and as gay40 so beautifully put it, he's not all that's not getting up. We are about to now embark on a trial separation.

They never get it.

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