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Unfriendly 'friend'

(49 Posts)
AlfalfaMum Thu 03-Jan-13 19:13:43

I'm finding this really hard to write down, I guess it taps into some deep down insecurity. I will try to explain the situation as best I can, and would really appreciate your thoughts or advice, because the situation is causing me lots of stress/insomnia and I feel I need to confront it somehow.

We have been friends since our early teens. She has always been a bit difficult, and our friendship hasn't run smoothly at times. Over the years she has often treated me badly, not talking to me for no reason, ignoring me, implying that I'm an embarrassment to her etc. She also has a habit of comparing us, and can be a bit weirdly jealous, eg she once got in a huff with her boyfriend because he liked some music I was playing hmm

She moved to a far-off country years ago and I've only seen her every few years since. Last year, she and her DH came to stay for a few days, and she treated me like shit. She never had a nice thing to say, and kept criticising my children and suggesting they are spoilt, my parenting skills, my house, even my dog. For example, another old friend was visiting with their children, and I said "X's children are so lovely aren't they?", and she said "Yes, but then they are older than yours." Basically implying that my children aren't lovely (which they are, obviously wink). It was literally comments like that for three days. I ended up feeling very low and shitty, and it was a real eye-opener, a bit of an epiphany where I realised how toxic her behaviour is towards me and what an unhealthy dynamic we have. I must have been so insecure years ago that I just put up with it sad

I never did confront her. I drove them to another mutual friend's in the country where they were staying for the next few days. We all went on a walk, and whenever I spoke she would look away from me, or if I stopped to help my youngest over a stream she would just march ahead etc. I felt sort of ostracised, and it was a familiar feeling but one I hadn't felt for years.. She always seems to be perfectly nice to her other friends though sad
They were back in our place for their last night before flying back early the next morning, and we all went out for dinner as previously arranged, me, her and our DH's, and she acted all nice. I had been agonising over our so-called friendship for the days in between, but didn't feel it was the right thing to bring it up.

Since then I have kept contact to a minimum, not hard because she lives abroad. We are still friends on Facebook, but I feel that she only interacts when she wants to criticise me for something, eg I put up a photo of my daughter, and she commented under it something like "we need to see more photos instead of stupid competitions!" (I had been trying to win a holiday the week before blush). Which would have been fine if it wasn't the only communication she offered in months.. Whenever I comment on her Facebook, like 'Happy Christmas' etc, she doesn't reply or acknowledge. I'd like to unfriend her on FB and in rl, but that's so final and I'm scared..
Sorry, I realise this sounds so pathetic and petty.
But it's making me feel quite anxious...I feel that I need to confront the situation somehow, it's making me feel impotent and weak.

I have three children, she doesn't have any (by choice). A friend suggested this might be at the root of her behaviour, although i have lots of friends that don't have kids though, and we all get along fine confused

Thanks for reading.
So, what would you do?
Feel free to ask questions, I have to go and cook now but will be back.

JammySplodger Thu 03-Jan-13 19:53:47

It sounds really simple (which I think you recognise), you'll be much, much happier without here in your life.

Unfriend here on FB, it's very theraputic. Then post a comment or photo of whatever you like, knowing she won't see it and put you down. I unfriended a needy, slightly unhinged friend when we moved and it was really quite a relief.

If she contacts you, just ignore. If you're still feeling anxious in [whatever seems like an appropraite length of time], maybe have a chat with your GP, but you might find it quite a release and like you're taking control by getting here out of your life.

JammySplodger Thu 03-Jan-13 19:54:47

(not sure why I can't type her)

Mynewmoniker Thu 03-Jan-13 19:58:31

Agree with jammy...

Emsyboo Thu 03-Jan-13 20:01:44

She sounds like she has some issues but that is not your problem if you don't want to unfriend her you can limit what she sees i have people i am connected to on Facebook for peace but i put them in a group and change my status and photo updates to exclude that group.
It is terrible she makes you feel bad that is not a friend I hope you are ok and know it is her problem not yours and you are better off without her thanks

bringbacksideburns Thu 03-Jan-13 20:02:13

Delete her off Facebook.

If she contacts you tell her you have been revaluating your friendship and have realised you have both drifted apart and that she makes you feel bad about yourself and if you are truthful, has already made you feel like this.
Then wish her all the best.

She is no friend.

Selks Thu 03-Jan-13 20:02:15

Hard as it might be to contemplate doing, message her in Facebook and tell her WHY you're unfriending her - then unfriend her. It's liberating and will do winders for your self esteem.

bringbacksideburns Thu 03-Jan-13 20:03:02

Bad grammar there! - you know what i mean!

YourHandInMyHand Thu 03-Jan-13 20:04:55

Delete and block.

As she lives abroad and is not someone you see regularly because of this it should be simple to step away from her. I bet you'll feel relieved once you've done it!

Chottie Thu 03-Jan-13 20:05:18

I hope this comment doesn't upset you, but I am just wondering why you have this person in your life still? Let her go and leave room for a kind, caring and true friend to take her place smile

myalias Thu 03-Jan-13 20:08:51

I have three children, she doesn't have any (by choice). A friend suggested this might be at the root of her behaviour, although i have lots of friends that don't have kids though, and we all get along fine
Your last comment summed it up beautifully. Your life has moved on considerably and you sound like a lovely friend. Do the decent thing and get rid of this toxic person.

bluebiscuit Thu 03-Jan-13 20:15:50

Get rid of her - on fb and in real life.

Get rid of her straight away on fb, if she asks why, don't bother replying.

mamalovesmojitos Thu 03-Jan-13 20:18:08

Delete her from your friend list and leave the relationship go. If she contacts you then politely but firmly tell her the truth as suggested by an above poster. You feel
You have drifted apart and she makes you feel inferior. Life's too short for shit like that!

SooFrustrated Thu 03-Jan-13 20:34:40

I agree with all of the above- delete her as a friend in Facebook. I would also just ignore any attempts on her part to make further contact and put the friendship behind you.

No-one needs a toxic person like that in their life.

AlfalfaMum Thu 03-Jan-13 21:10:09

Thanks for the replies, you are all fairly unanimous; now I just need to find some courage. Woman or mouse as they say.

Chottie that's a very reasonable question, I'm not upset by it. I am someone who finds it hard to let go of the past, and we were very close once, almost like sisters. Having said that, there were times absolute years ago when my other friends were asking why I put up with her crap confused. The real answer is I care about her, and don't want to hurt her. But I've let her hurt me for too long, and I don't actually like her anymore.
I will be doing us both a favour, won't I?

JammySplodger Thu 03-Jan-13 21:16:05

The real answer is I care about her, and don't want to hurt her.

But ... she doesn't care about you and she willingly hurts you. Don't worry about her, just take care of yourself. If she gets in touch saying why did you do that, I'll change, I'll be nice, ignore her. She won't change.

Sunnywithshowers Thu 03-Jan-13 21:26:54

She sounds hideous, OP. I would ditch her.

AlfalfaMum Thu 03-Jan-13 23:07:50

I've done it, thanks for the moral support. I sent a polite but honest message (our friendship has run its course, I've come to realise the dynamic of our friendship was not healthy for me, wish you all the best etc.) but didn't apologise.
I'm a bit sad, but also like a weight has lifted off my chest, I've been trying to do this or a year.

JammySplodger Thu 03-Jan-13 23:14:51

Yeay, well done!!!

<lots of clapping>

I bet you won't miss her, and will make nicer friends in her place smile

Meringue33 Thu 03-Jan-13 23:18:52

Brilliant! Well done you. You will never regret it. I had to do this couple of years ago, the final confrontation was horrid (she said some hateful things) but life so much nicer without smile

Selks Thu 03-Jan-13 23:19:56

Ah well done! smile

myalias Fri 04-Jan-13 08:28:21

Well done Alfalfamum you won't regret it - a good start to the new year, now get out there and make some lovely new friends smile

bringbacksideburns Fri 04-Jan-13 10:55:44

Good for you! Don't be drawn into any further conversations/calls with her.

Mynewmoniker Fri 04-Jan-13 13:31:00

Now to treat yourself to a new friend who deserves you thanks

TheMonster Fri 04-Jan-13 13:35:30

You've done a brave thing.

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