Suggestions and guidance please(9 Posts)
My mum died recently and we are holding the wake in a particular cafe/bar/restaurant for which she had a fondness, and which has, vaguely and very loosely, some family association.
In her last weeks we were employing a friend to help look after her and this friend made such an enormous difference to her last weeks that we feel a tremendous debt of gratitude towards her. Their relationship blossomed in a very short time, and mum had great laughs with her - worth more than the work our friend actually did in terms of practical care, though she did tons of that too.
Our friend used to work in the bar I've mentioned. They have just texted her to tell her that she owes them quite a large sum as they are accusing her of giving away free drinks and meals while she was working there. She tells me that she always paid for it herself if she gave a good customer a drink, but the text says that people who have been asked say they never saw her do so. In all, she has been accused of stealing a lot of money in kind.
Naturally, she now doesn't want to set foot in the place and is desperately upset. I am not happy to use the place in the light of their behaviour; not least because I know they were always twisting stories about her and using her as a scapegoat (I know this as I found myself the cause of a huge bollocking she got once, where the story she was told and accusations thrown at her had almost nothing to do with reality).
Under 'normal' circumstances I would have no hesitation in holding the wake somewhere else. Unfortunately, dh likes this place and doesn't want to upset the apple cart by our pulling out (we haven't confirmed anything with them yet). He also gigs occasionally there, and doesn't want to risk losing the gig.
Sorry, just realised I'm going to be away for the next few hours. Will come back later.
Really sory for your loss - what a nasty thing to happen at a hard time.
maybe ask yourself what your mum would do - it is her party after all.
In my view, the principle is very clear. This friend made my mum very happy and she cannot be excluded. If I were on my own, I would have no hesitation in holding the wake elsewhere. I do not trust dh to come to the same conclusion. This morning, when I mentioned that there might be a problem and it's nature he said "what is that to us?", end of conversation.
My mother was one of the most principled people I have met. I know what she would do, except that she would not want to make life more difficult for me, so she might give dh his way if she were in a position to make a decision.
I am scared of broaching it with dh again. I don't want to give him the opportunity to say or do the wrong thing again, and I am certain that he will.
It sounds like the right thing for you would be just to hold it there - now is probably not the best time to have a run in with your dh and your mum would be happy if you are.
It might not be the right thing to do but it's the best thing for you at the moment.
Maybe you could involve your mums friend in another way or send a card to her explaining?
Be kind to yourself.
Thank you. I will have to sleep on this, and talk to dh when I am more in possession of myself. I think I am over-wrought at the moment.
TBH I'm a bit sus about "She tells me that she always paid for it herself if she gave a good customer a drink"
It does sound a bit sus, but none of us believe that she is anything but honest, and we do believe her.
There have been problems between her and her boss before, one of which was a complete misunderstanding partly down to chinese whispers (that's the one I was involved in and was entirely my fault) and one other was actually down to the boss being irrational (which she has admitted).
We have had a chat and suggested she have it out with her boss and that we will help her write a letter exonerating/explaining her pov.
Meanwhile, there are reasons why we will go ahead with what is planned and try to make it up to our friend in some other way.
Thank you all for your input. I am so stressed and exhausted that I forgot to say that. Thank you.
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