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about XP assaulting another child?

(14 Posts)
theworldsgoneDMmad Fri 11-Sep-09 19:39:27


Took DS to visit XP today.
As all of us plus X"MIL" were chatting outside, XP saw a boy (who I very vaguely know of as he attends DS's primary school) cycling on the pavement toward us.
Instead of asking the boy to stop, the first I saw of this was XP pulling out the tape measure he was holding and, when the child continued to pass between us, whipping him with it shock

Luckily it didn't seem to cause the child any injury but did make him veer to and fro dangerously on his bike and look around to ask why he'd done that.
XMIL's mother laughed shock
I made it very clear to them both that this wasn't right.

While the rest of us went inside and I continued to question XP myself, XMIL went to the corner shop but I don't think she even got that far because, about 5 minutes later, I saw the boy came back down the road with who was presumably his dad shortly before I heard them shouting at XMIL, who by that time had gotten into her car.
I pointed this out to XP who just walked into the rear of his house and let her take the abuse.

XP started spouting some rubbish about "maybe there's too many of them around" (the boy and his father are Middle Eastern) and that "there's going to be a civil war - us against them - soon" shock
I'd never heard him say anything like that before.
He insisted that he'd "just tapped him" hmm which is impossible to do with a near arm-span length of tape measure and couldn't even remember what the boy had been wearing when I pointed out that he had a jumper from DS's school.

Eventually XP's friend, who was inside at the time, persuaded him to go to the boy's father's shop to apologise.
They returned with a story about XP having shaken both the boy's and father's hand hmm which I simply don't believe and which I'll be going to the shop to check on Monday.

As soon as this happened, I knew I couldn't let our DS have any more of the unsupervised contact which had been happening since we separated nearly 5 years ago and since XMIL made me sign a parental responsibility agreement under duress, threatening all contact between XP & DS to be withdrawn otherwise, despite my
concerns about his anger even then and his very heavy cannabis use, which continues.

I feel so stupid for letting things get this far, especially as I know exactly what I'd be advising if I'd seen a post by anyone else to this effect.
XP has a caution for hitting me for the second time before we patched things up, then we separated due to other reasons/the final straw.
At the time I was advised to stop contact and let XP take me to court, but I turned a blind eye to his abuse, hoping they were one-off...s...
Nearly 2 years ago, XP was getting annoyed by DS being distressed on a train we took as a treat for DS's brthday, so XP kicked him really hard in the shins
I let DS see him because DS still wanted to, but I don't want him growing up aggressive like his dad... AND grandpa.

I do know though that, if I don't protect DS, no-one else will.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here... bit of both?
I'll be discussing it with the school and at the child and family therapy appointment we're due to have next week, but should I be contacting the police?

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Fri 11-Sep-09 19:46:27

Message withdrawn

theworldsgoneDMmad Fri 11-Sep-09 19:51:10

Why didn't I stop it when it was my DS though?
Why am I only seriously considering it now it's happened to someone else's?

I know this isn't about me but I do feel like such a crap mum

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Fri 11-Sep-09 20:00:14

Message withdrawn

theworldsgoneDMmad Fri 11-Sep-09 20:06:12

Thank you for the replies
I will stop it.
I'm fully expecting a torrent of abusive and/or calls, texts, e-mails from both XP and XMIL though, all of which I intend to ignore.
I just wish I had more support from my own family.
After the parental responsibility blackmail, I expect they'll take me to court as well, as his family has money.

theworldsgoneDMmad Fri 11-Sep-09 20:06:58

Am going to do bath and bed with DS now. Back soon.

theworldsgoneDMmad Fri 11-Sep-09 22:41:53

Only 7 hours later and I'm already having to fight doubting myself


GypsyMoth Fri 11-Sep-09 22:46:07

He's not going to change is he??

Corporalcornsilk Fri 11-Sep-09 22:48:45

Don't doubt yourself. That was assault.

teech Sat 12-Sep-09 02:35:04

You are still going to go to the shop to check on Monday aren't you? You can stop contact for a weekend surely? You aren't committing yourself to more than that so you can be strong enough to see a weekend through...

Small steps.

When you speak to the guy in the shop tell him what you saw. Would you be prepared to make a police statement with regards to what you saw and heard? Bearing in mind that none of this is to do with you 'grassing up' your XP about his treatment of your DS. Just being a good citizen. You are far enough removed from this situation to not feel open to blackmail and coercion. Follow it.

Obviously, once the police are involved, you can strengthen your contact issues because of his involvement in the incident.

Stop looking at the whole - it's way too big. Follow the small steps and good luck. The fact you posted here says a lot about your character and your willingness to stand up to bullies. No matter what your history, or that voice in your head that's twisting your history, tells you.

theworldsgoneDMmad Sat 12-Sep-09 09:55:05

Made the mistake of calling a relative, who is mostly rationalising it hmm before logging in here this morning.

No, he's not going to change.
Even if this forces him to take anger management, I doubt he will.

I will still be going into the shop on Monday, yes.
The weekend will be no problem and if I e-mail child & family therapy now, maybe it'll make the next week more bearable as well.

mrswill Sat 12-Sep-09 10:13:24

I think you have to see things as more black and white. Hes assaulted you, your son, and now someone elses child.
When you've been in this sort of relationship before, you learn to rationalise abusive behaviour and doubt yourself, stick to your guns and what you know is right and wrong. Like you said, no one else is going to protect your child, theres only you. Agree what teech is suggesting too.

theworldsgoneDMmad Mon 14-Sep-09 22:08:41

The father claims XP didn't apologise to him.
Don't know what to believe...

Ignored all communication asking for contact over the weekend but did let DS call him for a few minutes (DS told XP off! grin)
I noticed that the contact from XP wasn't to asking about what he was going to do to sort himself out hmm

Did take DS to him this afternoon for supervised contact, during which time he did agree to go to anger management, as I won't be allowing unsupervised contact until I can be reasonably sure he isn't a danger to DS, but yet again, I had to bring the subject up.

XP does now seem to understand the only thing which has been keeping the contact going has been me and that I'm withdrawing that support, which includes not going out of my way to take DS to him anymore in the meantime, otherwise there'll be no incentive to him to do anything for himself.

Will be speaking to the school family link worker about this tomorrow and trying to hang on in there until child & family therapy on Thursday, I suppose.

littleducks Mon 14-Sep-09 22:15:29

I think you do know what to believe, childs father has no reason to lie to you, ex dh has every reason

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