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DH has just said he doesn't want more children....

(18 Posts)
SummerC Mon 03-Aug-09 17:13:38

My DH and I are blessed with a 19 month old DD. Before we got married we always talked about having 2 children. We had names picked out and we both sort of daydreamed about our future children. I thought we both wanted the same thing. I recently broached the subject of TTC #2 and although hesitant, he seemed willing as well! Last month was our first cycle trying for #2. Well I have had two negative tests in the past two days and he has just said to me, "maybe it's for the best. I don't think I want any more children".

I'm not entirely sure what to do or what to say. I don't want him to feel like I forced him to have another child, but at the same time, I have always wanted to have 2 children - something he was well aware of before he married me. I thought he wanted the same thing.

I just don't know what to do. Any advice?

dietstartstomorrow Mon 03-Aug-09 17:16:17

My DH was really reluctant to have DC2, so I know how you feel. We did eventually, and have a 4 year gap between the boys.

Give him a bit of time, and talk to him about it at a later date. Good luck.

LyraSilvertongue Mon 03-Aug-09 17:19:32

You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him how strongly you feel. It's not fair for him to change all your future plans just like that.

Reallytired Mon 03-Aug-09 17:21:16

Prehaps its best to just have unprotected sex and forget the pregnancy sticks. Having unprotected and carefree (within marriage of course) sex is much more fun than "trying to concieve" sex. Its also a pretty effective way of getting pregnant

LyraSilvertongue Mon 03-Aug-09 17:22:12

Also, there's a huge difference in family dynamic between having one and two.
I'm not sure how I'd cope with just one - there'd be so much more pressure on me (esp in school holidays) to organise things and take them places. As it is I have to DSs and tey're happy to play with each other a lot of the time, giving me time to get other things done.

SummerC Mon 03-Aug-09 17:26:38

Thanks for the advice. I shall try to be patient. Part of me is really angry at him for changing his mind this late in the game, but at the same time - I don't want to push him. If he doesn't want more children, then I don't want to force him into that.

He definitely will not agree to unprotected sex. He is the condom king. He will not come near me unless he knows ahead of time that there are condoms in the house. We once got carried away earlier this year and I told him it was ok because AF was due in the next couple of days. Well AF decided to be 2 weeks late for no apparent reason and he actually acused me of lying to him to trick him into having unprotected sex. He's paranoid about it.

I know I'm not portraying him in the best light but he really is an absolutely wonderful man. I just wish he would tell me the real reason for his change of heart. I know we need to talk about it. I shall try to talk to him tonight when DD is in bed.


SummerC Tue 04-Aug-09 20:37:41

An update...

It is a definitive "NO". We talked for quite awhile today (day off work) and he has said in no uncertain terms that he does not want any more. Even when I said to think about it for maybe a year or so, he said no.

But he has finally told me why. We had a rough patch early this year and ended up separating for 2 months. He said he doesn't think we would survive another child and even if we could - he doesn't want to risk it. As far as he is concerned he is done having children.

I don't know what to do. I will delay having another child, but not indefinitely. I have always wanted two children and I cannot imagine only having one, as much as I adore my DD.


mears Tue 04-Aug-09 20:41:54

Summer - perhaps your DH is the sensible one here, and that once you are well and truly stable in your relationship he will reconsider. To have separated earlier sounds like your relationship isn't ready at this time for another child. That could change in a year.

LuluMaman Tue 04-Aug-09 20:46:04

I think that he is doing the right thing for you all at the moment. your DD is only 19 months , and a young toddler is really challenging

also, he sounds like he wants to ensure your relationship is rock solid before you embark on anything as life changing as another child

are there any issues that could be holding him back? for example, I had severe PND after my first DC and that really put DH off anymore. We had lots of discussion and eventually decided that i would be a lot more depressed and upset if we did not have anymore DC and I went on to have DD. we made sure that the support was in place if i needed it.

also, is his job secure? are you both in work? financially, lots of people are struggling right now with lack of job security and worry of redundancies etcetc

he might want to wait unitl things are more settled

unless you are pushing 40, this is soemthing you can hang fire on for a while

Kaylo Tue 04-Aug-09 22:31:48

SummerC ((((hugs)))) I know how you feel!!! I had the same thing with my dh.

I first broached the subject with him in January of this about trying for #3. It took me ages to convince him that we could withstand the pressure/stress both personally and financially but he did agree.

In fact we were on the May bus together.Hang in there, he might come around. I remember myself posting threads like this when I was despairing about what to do next.

I felt cheated out of a child, I felt he'd used it against me to hurt me. I felt I would never be complete without a 3rd child. Probably similar to how you're feeling too.

Trouble is with a situation like this theres not much middle ground to work with - maybe he needs lots of reassurance that you will be ok.

I don't know if it will be of any good to you but our middle ground was we both picked out our time preferences for the timing of baby#3 and as it turned out he was ok with trying sooner than I expected. I said no later than April 2010 - and he said what about Sept 2009?

Waiting could be a good thing, for a small while not a looooong while - toddler and baby is very hard work! Double buggies are expensive and a nightmare, they gang up on you . I have a dd age 4 and ds age 3. I would never go down the double pram/pushchair route again! It was truly horrendous.

I hope you work something out - I remember what it's like to feel like you're losing something you had planned. Feels like you're losing all round.
Theres hope tho chick - keep smiling and keep talking to him. Explain how much this means to you and your life together, how your dd would benefit from having a sibling.

SummerC Wed 05-Aug-09 10:06:33

Thank you so much for all your replies. I know that he is right about waiting for now...what makes me nervous is the fact that he said that he doesn't want another child...EVER.

I am more than happy to wait and give both of us time to ensure we are stable and ready for a 2nd. It just worries me that he may never feel ready to try again.

I know I have to be patient but honestly, patience is NOT one of my virtues winkblush.

I can't tell you how much your advice means to me. While it may not be the answer I wanted, it is nice to have some impartial opinions.

Thank you ladies.

LadyoftheBathtub Wed 05-Aug-09 10:27:11

I know how you feel. My OH didn't want another and I did. One thing to bear in mind is that yes, he's said his piece, but why is what he wants more important than what you want? You have a conversation, he says "I don't want another, full stop" and that's the end of it? You are in a relationship and equal partners and you do want another. So at the moment things are not decided, they're evenly balanced. You won't just stop wanting and you mustn't just squash that in yourself. If you feel sad, if you are feeling broody - tell him. If you need to cry, cry and tell him why. I did this - not constant nagging or wearing down or emotional blackmail, but just telling OH how I felt because it was there, it was powerful and him saying "I don't want it" wasn't the end of the matter for me. Eventually, he did change his mind because it was important for me and he does care about that.

I agree your DH may still be reeling from your difficulties and your DD is still small, and things might look different to him in a while. I'd give him space, but don't stop letting him know what you want.

PortAndLemon Wed 05-Aug-09 10:43:48

I do think he needs to understand how desperate you are for another child and how much strain definitely not ever having one will put on your relationship. It sounds as though he thinks that not having a second child will sort things out because it removes the tension point that's obvious to him, but it sounds to me as though it just introduces another huge point of tension that he's oblivious to.

That said, if your relationship is a bit rocky at the moment then right now probably isn't the right time for another child. But his unilaterally deciding that you are not having another child, ever, no matter how much you want one, is not going to solve relationship difficulties -- it just moves their focus.

expatinscotland Wed 05-Aug-09 10:47:39

Please see a relationship counsellor and work on your relationship out before TTC.

MarshaBrady Wed 05-Aug-09 10:51:49

I agree with the shifting cause of tension.

You may find that your hormones get stronger not weaker as you approach 35 (ime with friends etc) and if he does not change his mind it will put great pressure on your relationship. You may end up resenting him, which is never a good place to be.

Of course you may not, and you may get off lightly and continue with a stronger relationship.

'Not yet' is very very different to never. Most women could deal with a not yet.

peppamum Wed 05-Aug-09 11:03:18

Perhaps you could acknowledge to him that he is right that another DC would put strain on a still rocky relationship, but that maybe it could be something you could both discuss again in a year's time. It's a compromise for both of you. It would take the pressure off, not thinking about it for a while, your relationship will (hopefully!) be stronger and your DD will be older and he will be able to see that things do get easier with children.

I think its a bit unfair to dismiss it out of hand altogether, but probably sensible for the time being.

SummerC Wed 05-Aug-09 13:51:55

We have worked through all our issues. We spent 3 months with a marriage counsellor and both of us have said that we feel stronger and closer now than we ever have. We are solid and happy - I think he just needs time to see that it will carry on like that. He's agreed to opening the discussion again around our DD's birthday (December) so until then I will be patient and will do my best not to let the broodiness get the better of me.

SecretSlattern Wed 05-Aug-09 14:18:10

My situation is similar to diet's. DH was adamant after DD and all her various illnesses that he didn't want any more. However, we talked about it and listened to each other's points and we came to the decision to "see what happened" in the future as to whether or not we would have DC2. We don't actively use birth control and I don't tend to fall pg very quickly. However, 8 months after we had DD, I was pg again. DH asked me to terminate, I refused. We fell out big time. I had a m/c at 6 weeks. 4 years later I was unexpectedly pg with DS.

DH is a bit older than me and is worried about his age (I am in my 20's and he is in his 40's) and again, we haven't ruled out DC3. It's just a case of seeing how things go.

I suppose what I am trying to say is to give him a little bit more time. I was so envious of my friends having their DC's close in age but actually the 4 year age gap between DD and DS is quite nice and in that time, DH has actually become a better dad/bloke for it. We have never been the most stable couple in the world but we tend to get through things one way or another. Actually having another has brought us closer together.

Try not to let it take over your life though (I did for a while) and enjoy the time you have with your DD. Who knows what is round the corner?

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