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please advise

(27 Posts)
misdee Tue 14-Jul-09 16:25:06

i have just got in from teh school run, and a mum asked to have a word, and said my dd1 has been bullying her dd, and that my dd1 has been told about this by the school.

i have asked dd about it, and she says she hasnt, and no-one has spoken to her about it.

it transpires that the girls she is frienmds with hve been horrible to the girl,. but not ddd1.

do i call the school and see whats happening?

encoiurage dd1 to be friends with other girls?

tell the other girls mother that dd1 says it wasnt her, and i'm inclined to belive dd1.

ask dd1 to stop the other girls when they are being horrible (easier said than done when your 9years old and your best friend is the most important person in the school to you)

or just sigh and go 'oh girls do it all the timem, by next week they'll be friends'

i do do hope dd1 hasnt been bullying anyone, as bullies made my life hell throughout primary school.

LIZS Tue 14-Jul-09 16:27:08

Ask the school if parent is so adamant they have been involved. Could she be mistaken as to which child she means ?

Tamarto Tue 14-Jul-09 16:27:32

That mum was out of order.

I'd leave it, actually no i wouldn't i'd speak to the school explain what the mum said and see what they've got to say about it all.

It could be that the mum is speaking a pile of bollocks.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 14-Jul-09 16:29:26

I would speak to the school, and next time I see the mum tell her your daughter is not involved in any dispute her child may have with other girls, the first either of you heard was when the mum approached you.
I'd also throw in the girls they'll be friends next week too.....

yama Tue 14-Jul-09 16:30:02

Phone the school. School, parents and pupils should be dealing with this together.

It obviously hasn't been resolved.

misdee Tue 14-Jul-09 16:31:38

exactly yama, they should be, but this is the first i've heard of it.

i am confused.

Tamarto Tue 14-Jul-09 16:54:30

Possibly because the mum is wrong and there is no issue for you to have been told about.

As has been said girls do this kind of thing, the school really don't phone parents for a small issue, if they did i'd be livid!

randomtask Tue 14-Jul-09 17:00:18

If I was you, I'd contact the school. I currently know of a few 'bully issues' where the bully's parents are oblivious (incidentally, if DS was a bully I'd be furious with the school for not telling me).

If the school know of anything (whether DD1 has realised or not) that involve DD1, I'd ask for a meeting with the other mother at school to resolve it and ask their advice.

I'd also approach this Mum tomorrow, explain what your daughter has said and ask if it is specifically your daughter or her group.

But I'd also explain to DD1 how her friend is being a bully and that as her friend, she will be tarred with the same brush. Sounds harsh but it's true and it might just scare her into telling her friend to not be nasty.

misdee Tue 14-Jul-09 17:05:13

i am mortified tbh.

randomtask Tue 14-Jul-09 17:07:47

I'd get into the school tomorrow as otherwise it'll fester throughout the summer holidays.

And, if the Mum is right, I'd demand an apology from the school in front of the Mum. If the Mum is wrong, I'd demand an apology (although somewhat sympathetically as she's probably at the end of her tether) from the Mum.

misdee Tue 14-Jul-09 17:16:22


was about to call the school but relaised the time blush

i will get onto the school tomorrow. the other mum said it was ongoing, so am guessing she is at the end of her tether. thing is, we ahve been chatting on and off all year, our dd's go to brownies together, and nothing has been said.

randomtask Tue 14-Jul-09 17:19:34

That sounds like the situation my sister is in. She didn't tell the other Mum (who is her friend) as she thought the school should and didn't want to cause problems.

Just be firm with the school and firm with the other mother and of course your daughter. If she's a party to it, it might just be that she doesn't know how to react when her friend does it.

misdee Tue 14-Jul-09 18:12:13

oh poop.

i dont know how to approach this with dd1 th. i dont think she is lying, as she is terrible at lying and i can tell straight away usually.

randomtask Wed 15-Jul-09 09:25:58

I'd just be honest with DD1. Explain your concerns, explain you believe and trust her and would like to help her 'clear her name'.

Then speak to the school and find out what they say.

I think you're right as most parents know when their children aren't being 100% honest, but also the school may have misinterpreted something so it's best to be cleared up asap.

Good luck!

misdee Wed 15-Jul-09 09:29:07

welli spoke to the head.

dd1 was there but not involved. other girls have backed this up. basically dd1 saw what was happening. but was not directly involved.

head is going to speak to th other mum about it. apparently letter has ben sent with info etc.

am v vv happy that dd1 wasnt involved in the bullying.

but am fuming at the other mum for making me doubt my dd1. angrysad

big hugs for dd1 tonight when she gets home.

randomtask Wed 15-Jul-09 11:32:15

If I was you, once I'd calmed down I'd explain to the other mum that your daughter wasn't involved and that she might want to check her facts first next time.

I'd also give big hugs to your daughter but explain she needs to tell her friends no if they're bullying. I'm afraid if she's there the other girl with think she was part of 'the gang'...

Relieved and glad it wasn't your DD though!!

misdee Wed 15-Jul-09 12:18:38

i have told dd1 to walk away in future.

i dont want her being tarred with the same brush.

randomtask Wed 15-Jul-09 12:38:32

Indeed. Wisest thing I think, plus her friend might realise that means she doesn't agree with her behaviour.

CarGirl Wed 15-Jul-09 12:43:47

I had this only the other Mum was really nasty to be about, I kept repeating I would go to the school next day etc etc.

After a very sleepless night, spoke to the head and she was gobsmacked said that my dd had never bullied anyone ever to her knowledge. I think this other girls unhappiness due to her Mum having an affair & splitting up with her h and her grandad dying of cancer, her aunty seriously ill with anorexia - however it was far easier to blame it on dd - I think they'd had a minor spat!

Glad it got sorted, some parents just don't know the damage they course by interfering!

misdee Wed 15-Jul-09 13:45:07

sorry you had to go through that cargirl.

i think it was 6 of one, haf a dozen of the other, and add in th fact they are girls, well.

girls can be nasty, as i'm well aware.

but am gutted that dd1 got dragged into it.


CarGirl Wed 15-Jul-09 13:59:21

I agree girls can be so horrid!

I certainly encourage positive friendships via playdates etc but other than that don't interfere and when there have been problems have always spoken to the the teacher and given them a chance to sort it.

Dd2 had a NQT this year and it took her a while to suss out the angelic looking girl in her class has a huge tendency to lie to get others into trouble! Unfortunately this was after dd2 had been told off for things she hadn't done.

argh, kids, schools blah blah blah it's hard work isn't it.

misdee Wed 15-Jul-09 14:01:36

by the tme they're back at school and at brownie camp, i bet they are all friends again.

dd2 friends all seem to be boys. so no rows that end.

misdee Wed 15-Jul-09 16:03:26

spoke to the mum. i wasntr rude, anygry or anything. i said i had spoken to dd1 and the headteacher, and both have confirmed nicole wasnt involved. i was v v v angry inside, but think i didd ok. she said sorry, and as i was leaving she was saying to her dd 'thats not what you told us'


poor kid.

CarGirl Wed 15-Jul-09 17:08:59

I guess experience teaches you to believe only 50% of the story your dc tells you!

"everyone was bullying me" = "I was being bullied and it really upset me"

mother = "entire class/social group being very nasty & bullying"

misdee Wed 15-Jul-09 17:44:17

lol so true so true.

thanks for the help ladies

seems like it was a storm in a tea-cup.

roll on the end of term now

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