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If you thought your DH had responded completely inappropriately

(25 Posts)
theDreadPirateRoberts Sat 20-Jun-09 02:38:44

Went to the school fete worse than death. On way home (left early so as to start cooking for all coming back for wine and mac cheese) took call from agent. Agent asking if should put CV forward for numpty job at low rate at company that made you redundant last year. You say yes, because you haven't worked in a while and are scraping by on DH's salary. Feel shit about the whole thing. Update on a social network 'wishing I were dead'.

Get home. Feed 10 people, put makeup on, go to cinema with DH and friends (shit film but haven't been out in 3 months so hey), DH checks network, sees your update and says

'You shouldn't have said that, it makes me feel bad'

Without asking why you did.

WWYD? Cos I'm losing the fucking plot here...

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 02:47:51

maybe he feels bad cus he knows that you guys are struggling on his income & feels a bit imasculated that he cant properly 'provide' 4 u all, knows that taking this job isnt really wot u want & feels shit cus u feel shit?

Geocentric Sat 20-Jun-09 02:48:41

Maybe he meant it in a 'it makes me feel bad because I would prefer you to turn to me for support' way?

Just saying that because when DH and I were still dating he would get cross when I shared bad moments with friends and not him. Until we talked about it and he explained that he wanted to be the one to give me support, and he felt I wasn't letting him do that...

WWID? Talk, talk and more talk (with your DH). About why he thinks you wrote that and why does he feel bad about it?

Probably not the sort of answer you're looking for, but hope it helps a little.

theDreadPirateRoberts Sat 20-Jun-09 02:49:58

Hadn't even told him about the job, which may not come off anyway (tired of getting my hopes up). He didn't even ask.

Geocentric Sat 20-Jun-09 02:51:01

sad

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 02:54:07

is he showing signs of upset becus u guys r strugglin on just his wage???

theDreadPirateRoberts Sat 20-Jun-09 02:56:47

Crossposts.

Maybe he did. But we went on to a friend's and he didnt' ask then. Got pissed off in the meantime because a friend had responded 'let's make a pact' (joke - good friend having a bad day which we already knew about because he was supposed to be with us and couldn't) and he (DH) said 'Oh that's OK, you have a pact'.

I don't want to talk to him. FGS I don't want to go to bed and sleep next to him right now...

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 02:59:56

well stay up & talk to me then, get it all off ur chest girly & have a gud old winge!

theDreadPirateRoberts Sat 20-Jun-09 03:01:03

That's pretty much it. What would you do?

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 03:12:47

well, its a ball ache when ur rushin around feedin abunch of people (& lets face it - most fellas are as much use a choc tpot in that situation), so thats stressed u out.

uv been 2 the school fete (which is one of those things that we just hav to grit our teeth & get on with, it unfortunately comes with the terratory of being a mum), so thats stressed u out.

u were lookin 4ward to finally havin a nite out, which beyond ur control, has turned out 2 b crap ( & with u already being stressed, was goin to hav 2 be more than gud to cheer u up) - so thats stressed u out.

u hav been strugglin on one wage & money troubles just stress every1 out.

All of which so far are things beyond ur control & r neither urs or ur fellas fault - yes?
im sure that he loves u & picks up on it when ur not happy wether u tell him wots up or not. The thort of u being sad will ofcourse make him feel upset & the thort of u wishin u were dead - rather than with him - will also make him feel pretty crap.

And, im sure, like all fellas out there, they have this inbuilt unavoidable tact for sayin the wrong thing at the wrong time that just makes ur chuffin blood boil & u end up givin them ur full wrath. (they say it tends to be the ones u care about that u lash out at).
Apart from him showing distress at u stating u wish u were dead - wot else has he done wrong???

ChippingIn Sat 20-Jun-09 03:16:31

What would I do? Or what do I think you should do?

What I would do is cry, drink wine, eat crisps/chocolate - get angry, get sad, cry again.... repeat cycle till I fall asleep on the couch/settee/sofe (whatever the hell the acceptable MN term is for the thing you loaf around on!!)

What I think you should do is sleep - either in bed with him, or on the settee (see above). Then tomorrow talk to him... if he wont talk, just tell him how you feel, why you feel the way you do and what you need from him - then the ball is in his court...

and sorry you feel so terrible - sometimes life is just really crap. Can you get out on your own for a bit tomorrow? Do something you enjoy doing??

theDreadPirateRoberts Sat 20-Jun-09 03:23:00

K. Bed then. And tomorrow I get to be the adult that addresses stuff again. [sigh]

Thanks people. Good you were here smile

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 03:26:47

i saw on the telly the other day that scientific research has proved that people are more likely to resolve arguements after a good nights sleep because their brains get the chance to rationalise & plan through it whilst they r sleepin or sumthin like that - so yes, to bed missy moo. 2mo is another day & all that jazz - gud luck!!!

ChippingIn Sat 20-Jun-09 03:38:16

I have been there - it's very hard being the only adult in a relationship, the only one who seems to give a fuck.... and you get so bloody fed up of 'talking' about things, especially when nothing seems to change...

Do you still want to be in this marriage?

(sorry if I'm making this sound worse than it is, it's just I could have written your posts when I was with my Ex DP and at that stage I was feeling at the end of my tether... I just couldn't fix it, I just couldn't talk about it any fucking more, I just wanted to hide in a hole till the bloke I fell in love with came to look for me - but instead I had to deal with the reality of the bloke who had stopped caring how I felt.... it was hard, but hey, I lived to tell the tale and maybe you don't feel how I did x)

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 03:43:12

i think if ur in a straight realtionship, u noramlly r the only adult - they only seem to giv a shit when they realise they could be loosing u (by which time, its verging on too late)& oh how they promise to change.....
funny how they neva do tho eh?!

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 03:44:45

just to clarify - i meant if u were a woman with a bloke - nothin against same sex realtionships! & not meanin to generalise blokes, just goin on personal experience!

differentnameforthis Sat 20-Jun-09 04:22:03

Erm...would ask him why it makes him feel bad & explain what I meant!

I certainly don't feel he has responded inappropriately, what did you expect hiim to say/do?

PortAndLemon Sat 20-Jun-09 08:36:54

Everything he's doing and saying sounds as though he's hurt that your first impulse is to share how you feel with the Internet and with friends rather than with him. That may or may not be the case, but it's the impression I get from what you've said here.

ChippingIn Sat 20-Jun-09 08:47:11

differentnameforthis - what I would expect him to do and what I would do if it was my partner - would be ask why I/they felt this way and support me/them - not bloody turn it around to how them feeling this bad upsets them/me...

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 11:42:35

like i said in previous post, i think everything else basically just got on top of u & he was the last thing that made u snap, thus making a small misunderstanding seem a lot bigger than it actually is.

chippingin - if our friend was stressed out to begin with, her behaviour / bodylanguage (however subtle or unitentional) could have been negative towards him & put him in the same sort of frame of mind.
The tension b4 the storm if u get wot i mean?? we are all guilty of bangin pots & pans around and shooting daggers at simple questions when something other than our partner has ticked us off.
not condoning behaviour from either party but think there was a lot more than a simple comment that went into the melting pot for yesterdays events.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 20-Jun-09 11:58:04

I dunno. I guess if it was me, I'd feel concerned and wonder why you chose to put on the internet that you wished you were dead. That's a rather disturbing thing to do and worthy of some discussion. (not here, I mean between you and him!)

It is very hard for a person to hear/read someone they love talking like that, whether the person saying it means exactly what they say, or whether they put it in order to give others who read it the opportunity to ask them about it and give them some attention and tlc.

It can make the person feel afraid - that the other one actually means what they say and that they might lose them, or it can make them feel manipulated or that the other person is attention seeking, or helpless because the other person is suffering and they are at a loss what to do or how to help. It is possible to feel any one or a combination of so many things and just as the person saying it had clearly (by actually putting it out there!) been unable to put their feelings aside and think of the impact of their words on others, so had the person hearing it.

Please talk to each other.

Surfermum Sat 20-Jun-09 12:03:53

Sorry to be a bit blunt about this but you aren't telling him things that are upsetting you (like the job), then expect him to know how you are feeling.

He's probably feeling pushed out as you are telling everyone else except him. You say you don't want to talk to him, he'll be picking up those vibes and probably won't ask because he senses you don't want to talk anyway.

You seem to be in a bit of a vicious circle.

WWID? Sit down with him and have a real good, honest talk about him I was feeling, and give him the chance to do the same.

Louby1983 Sat 20-Jun-09 12:20:12

previous two threads - i totally agree!!! got it in a nutshell. poor things let evrythin get ontop of her & is lashin out at the one she cares about.

honey - we will all be here to listen to u but calm down, take a step back & have a cuddle & a bloody gud cry on his shoulder - im sure he will be wanting to giv u a cuddle back.

theDreadPirateRoberts Sat 20-Jun-09 16:16:34

Thanks all. Much wine was drunk last night and everything got horribly exaggerated in my head, so shall now drink lots of coffee and slap myself soundly smile

Surfermum Sat 20-Jun-09 19:23:28

grin

<<Slap>>

<<Gives the pirate a helping hand>>

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