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Should I tell DP I'm pg?

(9 Posts)
quandary Thu 18-Jun-09 11:02:32

I'm 6 weeks pg with DC2; DC1 is 2.5. DC2 was planned, although happened in 1st month of TTC rather than 13th as with DC1 so a bit of a surprise.

I'm an only child, have always been v close to DP and they dote on DC1. Until 6m ago, they looked after her one night and one day every week and were in contact most days; with 1st pg, we told them straight away.

But 6m ago, DM went into hospital following complications from another operation and she's only just come out - still nowhere near well (housebound and in bed most of the day) and although may well recover, it's likely to take at least 6m and even then there's no guarantee she'll be back to where she was.

So: do I tell them now that I'm pg?? (if not now, will have to wait another 3wks due to holidays)

The plus of telling them is that it'll be some much needed positive news, that it maintains the 'normality' of me telling them stuff and that I think they may be hurt if I don't tell them - ie upset that not only can't they help our physically, but that I felt they couldn't even support me emotionally/share our news etc.

My concerns with telling them are that they will be upset that they can't help more with DC1 now and, potentially, with DC2; and also (knowing the way DM's mind works) that she will become upset at the thought that she might not actually be here to see DC2.

I'm more drawn to telling them, but do want to do what's best for them. What's the vote??

mumblechum Thu 18-Jun-09 11:06:38

Yes, I'd tell them, for the reasons you've put forward.

6 months is a long time, you don't know that she won't have made a full recovery by then.

TakeLovingChances Thu 18-Jun-09 11:07:20

Firstly, congrats on your pregnancy and you're other lovely DC. There's plenty of other women on this site that would love to have got pregnant 1st month ttc.

If I were you I'd tell them. They will love you just the same and will love both DC. A new child is a happy thing, and just because DM is a bit poorly at the minute and can't physically help out as much doesn't mean they won't dote on the DC other ways.

Maybe telling them now will settle your nerves, but it's still early days, so maybe better to wait until you've have 1st scan? Is ultimately your choice.

quandary Thu 18-Jun-09 11:09:12

PS I should have added that DH has said it's up to me, but he doesn't think we should tell them.

My worst case scenario is that DM either notices something (nothing yet, but after hols) or we have a conversation about having a second child; about 3 weeks ago she asked if we were thinking of having more children and although I said yes (as has always been the case), I didn't say we were TTC.

quandary Thu 18-Jun-09 11:11:20

Thanks for the support. I know they will be pleased and will dote on DC1 and bump but they are both much more aware of mortality now - one of the first questions DM asked the consultant last year was whether or not she'd see DC1 go to school (and at that time he said he didn't know as she might fall under a bus tomorrow)

thumbwitch Thu 18-Jun-09 11:11:58

Ah - dear PARENTS. And there was me thinking of course you should tell your partner.

I didn't tell mine til after the first scan (10 weeks), and that was with my first. But it's up to you entirely.

Dumbledoresgirl Thu 18-Jun-09 11:12:53

Yes tell them. It is lovely positive news that I am sure they will be thrilled to hear.

Re your concern that they will be upset they can't help you out more with dc1, I think you should plan some speech in which you make it clear that, while you loved the help you received from them with dc1, s/he is now so much older and more manageable (maybe about to start playgroup? - it not, s/he certainly could start at 2.5) and second time around, you feel so much more confident that you know what you are doing and can manage 2 children together. Basically, you have to find a way of telling them that you are not expecting any help from them at the moment, though obviously it would be lovely if your mother felt able later to provide some.

But do tell them. They will be so excited for you and it might just be the mental boost your mother needs.

PortAndLemon Thu 18-Jun-09 11:20:00

Tell them now. (I was very confused for a while there as "DP" normally refers to a partner, but eventually I twigged blush)

quandary Thu 18-Jun-09 12:57:07

thanks for all your responses and I'm glad the consensus is confirming my 'gut instinct' and I'll have the conversation coming from a confident positive view rather than thinking about all the other subsequent possible emotions smile

Sorry about the DP confusion - I did have an inkling it usually meant something else but couldn't think what! blush

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