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Dad got terminal cancer........but I have some things I want to talk about - would you?

(15 Posts)
GivePeasAChance Thu 18-Jun-09 09:59:37

Dad has terminal cancer and approx a year to live.

In the past few years, prior to diagnosis, he had been a little 'out of character' which I do think was related to the disease developing.........falling out with people, being on the nasty side etc. But now he has his prognosis confirmed he is saying "I never want to fall out with anyone" etc etc. which is great.

But, I have to admit I feel a little bit cross about this. There is one thing in particular that he did that is still stuck in my throat. He made an important commitment to me and did not follow it through and totally denied ever making the commitment. It was a real shock at the time because he has always had such integrity.

Should I talk to him about it, or make a concerted effort to get this right in my head and just see it as part of the disease?

cathcat Thu 18-Jun-09 10:01:44

Do you mean it is something neurological which has affected his behaviour?
Sorry you are going through this btw. It is tough.

growingup Thu 18-Jun-09 10:03:15

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GivePeasAChance Thu 18-Jun-09 10:08:12

I think you are right growingup. I just like to talk about things....and know I would if he were well............

He has pancreatic cancer and there is evidence that because the pancreas produces hormones, behaviour is affected. He says himself he just hasn't been interested in things for the last few years.

Buda Thu 18-Jun-09 10:11:01

I would leave it too tbh. If you can see that the disease has affected his personality you have to accept that the person who made that committment to you and then let you down is not the man of integrity you remember.

My mum had a stroke last year and as part of the build up and aftermath she has some personality changes which I initially found hard to accept. My sister has to keep reminding me that it is in fact brain damage. It is hard to accept as she looks like my Mum, acts like my Mum in lots of ways but there are changes.

For instance in February there was a big upset to do with my Mum's GP retiring and her being switched to another doctor. My Mum is in Dublin so it is a bit different to UK but I phoned up the gov dept dealing with the issue and my Mum went ballistic with me. Wouldn't even give me a hug goodbye as I was leaving to come back to Budapest. She has now been to the new doc and is fine about it all and completely denies that she had a problem with it or with me. She also thinks my Dad is having an affair with the man across the road! All very hard to live with but part of the illness.

growingup Thu 18-Jun-09 10:13:48

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GivePeasAChance Thu 18-Jun-09 10:17:29

I think I just needed that confirming because it's funny, when I speak in RL to people about it, they say to say something.......but I think they say that because they are my friends and want me to be OK.......but actually it is not about me.

2shoes Thu 18-Jun-09 10:24:25

IMO i would leave it. my dad died in feb of a brain tumour, we can now look back and notice the changes, but at the time we didn't realise(it was a fast one)
enjoy your time with him

growingup Thu 18-Jun-09 10:41:23

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GivePeasAChance Thu 18-Jun-09 10:45:36

Thanks guys. Such a shame you have all been there.

I won't be saying anything.

And I will try and remember your rules growingup smile

berri Thu 18-Jun-09 11:06:06

No further advice but just wanted to say growingup - how sensible and sensitive your rules are, definitely worth bearing in mind.

GivePeasAChance Thu 18-Jun-09 11:19:20

Indeed, perhaps it is time for a name change to grownup grin

scaryteacher Thu 18-Jun-09 13:54:39

My Dad died at 60 back in 2001 when I was 35. There were things that I didn't get resolved with him, and will never know the answers to; but, you know what? It doesn't matter.

You just have to deal with what's there as best you can and come to terms with it. I came to the conclusion that I can't live my life looking backwards, I have to go forwards.

MollieO Thu 18-Jun-09 14:02:40

I think you need to understand what you hope to achieve by having that sort of conversation with your dad. If it is 'you let me down and I resent that' sort then I really don't think you have anything to gain. You will just make your dad feel bad.

My dad's personality completely altered during the last year of his life (liver cancer). I found it really really hard to deal with but I accepted it as I knew it wasn't him.

Sometimes you just have to take over the parenting from your parents.

GivePeasAChance Thu 18-Jun-09 17:03:28

Wise words from those who have been there. This parenting the parents thing has hit me like a brick TBH, I feel so bad for my mum and they are both looking to me to 'sort' things out. But will get there eventually.

Feel better for knowing for definite I am not going to say anything. I nearly understand that it doesn't matter.

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