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Not interested Grandad

(13 Posts)
FlyMeToDunoon Tue 16-Jun-09 07:33:54

I don't have much of a relationship with my father and all communication ceased a few months ago.
However I wonder about just sending news/photos of my children-his only grandchildren.
I am not sure what my motives are. I want him to have an interest in them which I don't think he ever will but feel I am also making a point- and is that pointless?
I suspect he and his current wife will think I am after an inheritance for my DDs. Which I am not.

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 16-Jun-09 07:36:43

I wouldn't bother. You can't make someone care about you. They either do or they don't.

I know it's hurtful. It's only natural to want your parent to love your kids, but he has made his choice.

Perhaps, if you really want to say something, a letter saying that you are sorry he has chosen to withdraw from your life, you wish him no ill-will and your door is open should he wish to make contact in the future.

And then get on with your life.

FlyMeToDunoon Tue 16-Jun-09 07:42:35

Not sure about the 'wish him no ill will bit' grin
I know with my head that is the right way to think about it but the wishes for my DDs pop up unbidden.

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 16-Jun-09 07:45:57

I know. Nothing cuts deeper than a rejection of your child. But would you want to try to force someone to be part of your children's lives? Be there watching, knowing that person was there under duress and didn't actually care? It would be meaningless.

And what you really want - genuine love and caring - it's either there or it's not and if it's not, you just have to accept that.

Only have people in your life who want to be there. Anyone else will just drag you down.

FlyMeToDunoon Tue 16-Jun-09 08:42:03

Your right.
There! thoughts banished for today.

Miamla Tue 16-Jun-09 08:55:45

flyme... i could have written your OP. dad has seen his GS (his first and only GC) 4 or 5 times despite living 20mins drive away. I wrote him an email 6mths ago telling him how i was upset that he hadn't seen DS more, apologising to him if i wasn't involving him enough and asking if there was anything i could do to help his relationship with my DS. He never replied so he has made his feelings clear as far as i'm concerned. but, i did feel better for writing it
since he remarried he now ignores our (me,my siblings and my DS's) birthdays and christmas. i've still been getting presents for him, not sure why, habit more than anything i guess. I found him a beautiful decanter in an antiques shop a little while ago. its meant to be his father's day present

FlyMeToDunoon Tue 16-Jun-09 11:39:35

Oh Miamia that is sad. I think Hecate's words apply to you too.
'Only have people in your life who want to be there. Anyone else will just drag you down.'

Miamla Tue 16-Jun-09 12:36:39

sorry, didn't mean to be morose, what i was trying to say was write to him, you've got nothing to lose and perhaps your dad doesn't realise and once he does, he might want to do something to rectify the situation. And if he doesn't, you've lost nothing other than knowing in your own mind that you really did try

i agree, Hecate's words are wise indeed but i really want my dad to be part of my (and my son's) life. I want him to want to be part of our lives. i remember when i told him i was pregnant, he seemed so happy. he's missing out on so much by not seeing my DS

anyhow, sorry, i didn't mean to hijack thread
do you ever see your dad flyme? i gave my dad a digital photo frame for christmas with a few photos already uploaded. I suspect its still in the boot of his car with the present i gave him for father's day last year. why do i bother?! anyone want a lovely decanter? it'll make a lovely father's day present!
so i don't think its a bad idea to send him some photos if that's what you want to do. as long as it doesn't upset you if they stay in the envelope

basic Tue 16-Jun-09 12:48:57

No comment really as you have to do what you feel however thank you for posting as I am really glad (in a sad way) to see it's not just me Flyme.

LovingtheSilverFox Tue 16-Jun-09 12:51:24

OP, your post could have me writing about FIL.

There are some ways to look at this, A) you maintain contact and send the odd photo and short note, so if in future anyone queries the lack of contact, you can point out that it is all on his part, or B) same action as above, but mainly so you can hold your head up if DCs ever ask about him, or C) stuff him, and the boat he sailed in on.

A) and B) require a certain amount of thick skin as the photos may stay in the envelope, you may not get any thanks for them, and you could still be doing this in ten years time. C) is very painful. Its the attitude I have taken with FIL, and pointed out to DH that he is to sort anything out from now on (although there is more to this than I can post here, as you probably gather).

Good luck with it all, will lurk, hoping for some further replies.

FlyMeToDunoon Tue 16-Jun-09 14:55:16

DDs do ask now and then about their 'other grandad' and it's sad to try and explain to them why they don't know him.

For me I can accept that there is little interest on either side.

LovingTheSilverFox the A and B you outline are among some of the reasons I would have for maintaining contact.

LovingtheSilverFox Wed 17-Jun-09 12:47:44

FMTD, how far away does your father live? If DDs are a bit young for long explanations, as mine are, I will resort to the "he lives too far away" tactic. We have family who live further, who make more of an effort, so they will realise in time, that its him, not the distance.

If you feel that this bothers you enough, I would say A and B are probably best, but send the photos and note, and then don't give it a second thought.

We have DTs christening on Sunday, so am waiting to see if FIL even bothers to come.

Good luck, would be interested to know what decision you come to xx

FlyMeToDunoon Wed 17-Jun-09 13:33:08

My dad lives up in Scotland but then so does my mum-separately!

Am just leaving it to lie for the moment.

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