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A confused man in seek of general advice

(4 Posts)
MALEKA Sun 14-Jun-09 08:22:54

Hi all,

i am not sure if I am the 1st man to join a mothers website, but I figured what the hell and have plucked up the courage.

My dilema has many twists to it, but in a nut shell. I was with my previous partner for 18 years and it was a roller coaster form hell (I admit, I played a big part in the turmoil). The result was we splt up 4 years ago and have 2 children, albeit a 13 & 20 year old.

I met my new partner during the closing stages of my previous break up, but had no doubts in my mind it was a right as I rediscovered what love was about.

To cut a long story short, we had 2 children who we love, but for a while I carried a lot of guilt and insecurities from my previous relationship. The result was I would lie about the most trivial things, as this is what I was used to doing.

We have been together for over 3.5 years and through arguements, lack of trust, my closed feelings, hurt feelings we have seperated.

This has been a strange experience as we still have feelings for each other, but can not discuss them without either of us flying off the handle or pushing to finalise the break up.

From my point of view I see my children every fortnight, but I would like to take them out for the day, even overnight (ages are 2 an 9 mths). But I am not allowed by the mother, even though they will stay at her parents.

What am I supposed to do, to prove I am a good dad (having raised children in the past) and not the most perfect partner, due to the baggage I carried over from the past.

Hopefully an outside opinion will tell me I am right to push for my children or as a matter of fact, I should accept things for what they are.

The relationship has not completely died, but left in the current state where we both are stuck on our views/opinions, we have now got to the stage where we will accept the final outcome.

Confused

Dad

bubblagirl Sun 14-Jun-09 08:39:24

im sorry for your situation maybe if struggling to work things out go to councilling so you have a mediator that can help you sort through the issues you have maybe with this you have every chance of saving your relationship

do you suffer alot with stress do you think having a baby and toddler over night would be hard to manage as , as long as your doing your bit your proving yourself as a partner it wouldn't hurt to seek councilling alone to work on your own issues so you can show your doing something productive to save this relationship

you need to start opening up in small pieces to start with to show your partner you want to fix and mend things couples need to be able to communicate there feelings and to be able to be there for each other get some councilling alone and as a couple an dsee where that takes you from there nothing can change if your mindset doesn't and you have been carrying these feelings for a long time so clearly are unable to change without the help

it doesnt make you weak or less of a man but it shows how much of a man you are to stand back and admit you need help with your problems to save this relationship with the woman you love

good luck

mrsrawlinson Sun 14-Jun-09 08:44:36

Believe me, you're by no means the first chap on here! Check out the Dadsnet section (if you go to 'Topics' you'll find it under 'In The Club').

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties you've been having recently. Irrespective of any differences you and your partner might have, you must exercise your right to see your children. It beggars belief that this would even be in question. I'm sure there will be others along shortly who have experience of these situations and can help you more. I just wanted you to know that I sympathise.

Have you got yourself some proper advice yet? Perhaps the CAB might help?

mrsrawlinson Sun 14-Jun-09 08:46:11

Sorry, Bubbla, not a dig, just slow typing!

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