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If you'd just had a bit of a 'chat' with your friend and neighbour

(25 Posts)
TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 16:14:56

over them being too opinionated and they've just turned around and called you the same and even included 2 other people who think you are too.

I didn't think I was very opinionated and feel much of the time I'm too quiet so try and give my thoughts when I can, especially if I feel I am being bull-dozed by other people.

It's really upset me and I feel so shit and crap and it takes me back to my childhood where I was bullied and couldn't make friends. Am I always destined to rub people up the wrong way and lose friends?

SusieDerkins Mon 08-Jun-09 16:16:57

Yikes. You told a friend that she was too opinionated? Not really surprising that she retaliated tbh.

GeneHunt Mon 08-Jun-09 16:17:13

Did you expect telling someone that they are over opinionated to go well?

Flamesparrow Mon 08-Jun-09 16:18:04

why were you telling them that they were too opinionated?

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 16:21:40

It's been brewing for ages I feel that whatever I say she has to disagree and tell me the way she does it, implying that her way is better. I said she could come across as knwing better and a bit bossy and that we should just agree to live and let live etc as I didn't want to not be friends with her.

sazlocks Mon 08-Jun-09 16:26:27

hmm - and you didn't expect her to retaliate ? You sound like quite a sensitive person to me and it sounds as though this has really upset you. I think you need to think more carefully about the impact you have on other people because I think its a bit unrealistic to give someone that sort of feedback and expect them not to defend themselves. What did you think her response would be ?

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 16:29:56

Yes I am a very sensitive person which is at odds with being 'opinionated' and it has really upset me. It'll take me days to get over it. Sad really. I was unrealisticly thinking she would see my point of view and we could carry on being friends again. What's wrong with me?

Rubyrubyrubyinthegame Mon 08-Jun-09 16:30:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fimbo Mon 08-Jun-09 16:32:24

I was unrealisticly thinking she would see my point of view and we could carry on being friends again.

That's where you have gone wrong.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 16:32:36

How do people resolve difficult situations though? How could I have changed the situation for the better without upsetting her or me when it was really getting me down? and apparently getting her down too.

AMumInScotland Mon 08-Jun-09 16:32:40

Well, if she is insensitive and opinionated, then it was a bit naive of you to expect her to take it well, don't you think? People like that are not likely to thank you for pointing out their faults. Actually, nobody takes it very well when you point out their faults, whether or not you're correct.

i don;t think it ever goes down well to point out general failings - if you think it's necessary to criticise her, then you'd probably be better off criticising the specific incident, rather than her whole personality.

It's like "labelling the behaviour, not the child" - not "you're unfriendly" but "that was an unfriendly thing to do". So, if she says something very opinionated, you can comment on that specific statement (I find a quick "miaow" gets the point across in a jokey way", but not call her opinionated, if you see the difference?

sazlocks Mon 08-Jun-09 16:34:57

Sorry you are upset. I am afraid you are destined to spend life upset if you are saying that you struggle when people don't see things the way you do. Maybe I have misunderstood you ? FWIW the friendship doesn't sound up to much if it can't withstand this ?

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 16:37:35

I should have come on here first. Why do I always put my big foot in it? I don't think I am cut out for having friendships. Other people seem to be able to make friends, and keep them easily and people actually like them.

sazlocks Mon 08-Jun-09 16:38:02

I agree with amum in ..... TBH. With friends like this I am apt to turn things into a joke so I might say "and if everyone was as perfect as us then wouldn't the world be a better place" sort of gets the point across without shaming them.

muffle Mon 08-Jun-09 16:39:06

There's nothing wrong with being opinionated though. The opinionated can find a lovely home on MN

Don't criticise someone if you can't take the same criticism yourself - but also, don't sweat it. Spend time with people you like, rather than trying to change them.

sazlocks Mon 08-Jun-09 16:40:27

I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. Have you got anyone else in RL who you could ask how they might have dealt with this diferently ? and tell you all your good points in dealing with people.
All we are is a bunch of random strangers who are responding to this example completely out of context.
smile

Rubyrubyrubyinthegame Mon 08-Jun-09 16:46:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 16:48:04

I want to speak to my other friend for some reassurance that I'm not a horrible person but she's out at the mo but thanks for all your replies everyone. I just wish I found this easier then i am doing. It's not nice when you find out that people have been talking about you in a negative light.

Mij Mon 08-Jun-09 16:49:39

IME 'sensitive' and 'opinionated' are in no way mutually exclusive! I'm thinking of myself as well as others btw...

You're using a lot of negative language. You say of yourself you're 'always' doing whatever, you'll 'never' do such and such. Bet you're not. You are being extremely hard on yourself. Yes, you messed up a bit in this instance, but you can learn from it and it doesn't mark you for life as a bad person/someone who can't deal with conflict/whatever else you're worrying about. But if that's your default way of thinking you're not going to be able to address that over night. It takes time and practice.

It's hard to comment on a particular conversation without knowing exactly what the context/words were you used, but for the future, if you find yourself with conflicting views with someone, rather than having a go at them, or even putting your point of view again, you could try the 'oh well, different things work for different people I guess' type of approach, and swiftly changing the subject to something on safer territory.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 16:50:07

Ruby- why should I apologise when I feel wronged by her and the fact that she ahs been talking about me? But to update I have just sent her a text apologising for critisising her personally and saying it was certain things said and not her that I was upset with.

Rubyrubyrubyinthegame Mon 08-Jun-09 16:52:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lissya Mon 08-Jun-09 17:12:44

TheBreastMilksOnMe - Point in question - Ruby is trying to help you. You could have said "Thanks for the suggestion Ruby, I've just texted her to apologise" and Ruby would feel good about giving you a bit of advice and feel friendly towards you. Instead you (unwittingly I'm sure) have rejected Ruby's suggestion hence the hmm response....

You said in your OP "Am I always destined to rub people up the wrong way and lose friends?"

then you say "why should I apologise when I feel wronged by her and the fact that she ahs been talking about me?"

Sometimes you do just have to apologise even though you feel wronged. That's how friendships go - you cut people some slack, then they cut you some slack next time and will defend you to others etc.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 19:35:26

I think I've cut her more than enough slack- I havn't brought up the fact that she has been slagging me off to other people although I am going to confront those people personally- I'd like to hear it form them as I don't know if she is making it up.

I phoned my best friend up and asked her to be totally honest with me. She said that I was not bossy and opinionated at all and with certain things I just had a lot of experience with i just come across as knowledgeable. She thinks that this person is being a bitch and to pay no attention to her.

Thank God for friends like her. I will stop doubting myself and believe I am a good person worthy of friends.

Thankyou for all your advice which I have accepted and taken aboard.

traceybath Mon 08-Jun-09 19:45:13

I really wouldn't 'confront' people to be honest.

I'm afraid in life that people do discuss other people behind their backs and not always in a positive way. But what are you hoping to achieve by confronting them - they'd probably be embarassed and just deny saying anything even if they had. Or they'll say 'well yes we do think you're bossy etc' which will just make you feel worse.

I also do tend to find that its easy to see the faults in others that we ourselves have.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Mon 08-Jun-09 19:50:00

Traceybath- So what would you do if you saw her in a club you both attend? Would you just ignore her? Smile at her? Wouldn't that be two-faced? I agree with your last sentence btw- up to a point. I think we are all capable to some degree of all the traits we see in other people- good or bad.

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