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wwyd? Honestly.

(34 Posts)
FurryFluFriend Sat 16-May-09 11:15:28

Imagine this is your relationship.

He is Drunk after a night out. Lost the company car keys. He is very angry and i am sober, he explodes at me for not looking for them, when many years of knowing this kind of behaviour tells me that what ever i do at this moment in time will end in arguments. He is so angry,very angry and i was scared. i decided to remove myself from the situation and i went into the attic, which is accessed by rickety ladders that i didn't think he would attempt.

i hear things being thrown around downstairs. and my son ( the attic is his room) kindly offers to make up the spare bed for the night.

He then starts to call my name in a rather menacing manner, it's 10 minutes later and it has just occured to him that i am not there. He comes up to the attic, spitting with venom calling me horrid names "Fucking lazy bitch, Fucking whore" he is half way up the ladders and can reach the tv wire to ds's tv/cd system. He yanks it so hard that it falls face down off the cabinet. he is screaming that i am on the computer ( rather than looking for his keys) and then turns the electric off in the house.

When he turns it back on, i go downstairs as whatever is about to happen shouldn't be witnessed by ds. I grab the phone and tell him that he should sleep on the sofa. As, if he comes upstairs i will phone the police. i really am that terrified that he is going to hit me.

He is prone to this kind of behaviour, always when drunk. The thing is he isn't that great sober. I didn't get a birthday present. I asked for something specific, i don't leave these things to chances, and i am not a martyr who wouldnt mention it's my birthday! I mentioned it lots of times smile He promised me something he would have to order and then forgot to order it.

He still hasn't done anything about it. It's weeks later. I think this is indicative of how much i matter to him, although he will spout otherwise.

We have been to counselling , some years ago, after an incident where he did become violent. That was the first and last time. However, those who know this type of behaviour i am sure will confirm that its the walking on egg shells, the atmosphere. Having to manage situations when there is drink involved. Having spare money down your bra in case he leaves you in the middle of god knows where. trying to think ahead for whatever eventuality might come your way if you are out and he is drunk.

I have no extended family.I have done this for a few years and i am tired.

so in my situation, please think of your children, your finances, house, mortgage, bills.It's very easy to glibly write "Leave him!" But would you?


poopscoop Sat 16-May-09 11:20:47

Well, he sounds a nasty, volatile control freak. In other words he i a dangerous man and the potential to harm you or your ds is high.

You have said you have put up with it for years and are tired. You deserve better. You need to get out. Yes, it will be an upheaval to do this, and financially too, now is not the best time. BUT - imagine a little place of your own, with ds and you safe in the knowledge that nobody is going to shout, rage, throw things and intimidate you.

That is worth it. I hope you are ok.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 16-May-09 11:20:51

Yes of course I would leave anyone who treated me like that.

You are worth so much more.

Domestic violence is very complicated and people can get very worn down with it, they become used to it and find it very difficult to leave sad

so sorry for for what you are going through

Helium Sat 16-May-09 11:21:49

Yes I would leave him. I wouldnt be able to deal with the constant worry and stress and feelings of guilt for my son - because I don't mean to be alarmist - if you are scared you're son will be scared x 2.

Presumably you'd get assistance with bills/house etc.

Confide in a friend (preferably a local one) get them to help you.

Good luck.

FurryFluFriend Sat 16-May-09 11:23:19

I don't feel a victim, i am not a weak thing who cowers at his very voice. I don't want people to think i am conrolledby fear. But i am sick of the drunken drama every weekend.

whomovedmychocolate Sat 16-May-09 11:24:48

I would leave him regardless. Actually I would chuck him out and change the locks and get divorce proceedings underway. Do you want to get to the point where he kills you or your son before you get rid of him. He's a BULLY and he sounds like an unpredictable alcoholic.

Spend five minutes googling womens' refuges in your area if you don't want to kick him out and you just need to go see one of them and repeat all this and take advice and then take ACTION on it.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's NOT normal behaviour and you shouldn't put up with it.

BTW sod the finances/bills, you have to survive this and your child does too. What is it teaching your son if you choose to remain with him?

foofi Sat 16-May-09 11:31:42

I think you should leave him, but that is easy for me to say and in your situation I'm not sure I would.

Heated Sat 16-May-09 11:40:44

No you are not a cowering weakling but a strong woman.

Do you take pleasure in hb's company? He in yours? Do you love him? Does he love you?

Could you spend another 40 years with him as he is?

If the answers are no, then get shot, i think you'll find your life is immeasurably improved.

BradfordMum Mon 18-May-09 13:29:20

With hindsight, would you have chosen him if you knew he would turn out like this?

hereidrawtheline Mon 18-May-09 13:34:37

I would leave him. It has to be horrible for your DS to witness that and of course you deserve better too. The ideal would be for him to leave, you change the locks. But if you cant have that ideal then take what you can get - leave him. He sounds like a wanker and it breaks my heart you and your son are living with someone so horrible. I would think you have til this weekend to get yourself totally organised and do your plan. that way you avoid his drunken rage coming. You CAN do it!

peanutbutterkid Mon 18-May-09 13:35:14

I don't even know if this is legally allowed, but my gut feeling is that I would boot him out. I don't know what the practicalities are with finance and children, but I would change the locks without telling him, lock the doors and call the police if he attacked the house; talk to CAB about restraining orders, that kind of thing.

PM73 Mon 18-May-09 13:42:14

I still have memories of my Dad being drunk every weekend & it was like walking on eggshells all the time.I only ever felt safe & happy when i was at school.

Get out now,you & your ds deserve so much more then this man is giving you.

If you cant do it for yourself think of your ds who will be doubly scared,for himself & for his Mum.

There is help out there,reach out for it,good luck x

hullygully Mon 18-May-09 13:44:40

Agree, and similar situation except weekdays too, with PM73. Would also add is always an element of blaming the mum for not leaving (we used to beg ours to go!).

FabulousBakerGirl Mon 18-May-09 13:45:02

I wouldn't leave him.

I would make him leave.

You and your child deserve better.

Ewe Mon 18-May-09 13:46:33

It's impossible to say what I would do in your exact situation as it is difficult to tell how you feel - are you happy on the whole?

Personally I would probably be having a conversation along the lines of "your behaviour is unacceptable, the only solution I can see is that you stop drinking, if you continue to drink and treat my like this I WILL be leaving you".

It sounds like he has a problem with booze if he is drinking to the point of behaving like this every weekend so I would try and remove the alcohol element and then see how things are.

unavailable Mon 18-May-09 13:48:15

You say he is prone to "this type of thing" (abusive drunken violent threatening behaviour).

How often, and what happens after when he is sober? - does he remember, does he apologise? I dont mean this would make things ok, but am just wondering if there is anything acknowledgement on his part that he has a problem/ is way out of line.

If you havent done so already, why not begin to investigate how to go about seperating - finding out where you would stand financially, if you could get an injunction etc.

How old are your children? Do you really think they are better off living with a father who behaves this way then with you alone?

HuwEdwards Mon 18-May-09 13:49:47

This must be awful for you and tbh far worse for your DS.

I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it, can understand the absolutely sickening fear that a child feels when their mum is under physical and verbal threat from their drunken dad.

That would make me leave.

KirstyJC Mon 18-May-09 13:53:23

I think the fact that your son asked if you wanted to sleep up there is very sad. It shows that your son recognises the bullying ways and that you are putting up with it - maybe he might think this is how things are supposed to be? He is, albeit unconsciously, looking to him as a male role model. sad

I think you should kick him out. I don't know about the legal aspect eg who owns the house but even if it is him and you're not on the deeds it would be very hard to get you out, since you have a child.

I would also be very wary about the violence - it might have been just the once but this treading on eggshells business sounds like if you don't do what he wants then it might come back. Emotional abuse is still abuse - of you and your DS. I would get out of this relationship - however hard.

Good luck.

georgiemum Mon 18-May-09 14:04:01

Do you love him? If is wasn't for this behaviour would you consider leaving him?

I know it is easy to say 'leave him' but if you are only looking for reasons to stay, then I am afraid that you maybe need to ask him to leave - even if just for a few weeks.

You need to get him alone when he is sober and tell him exactly what he is like when he is drunk - does he know what he does and how it affects you and the children? Spell it out in simple terms - he needs to do X, Y and Z for you to stay together. If not, he can leave.

He has to stop drinking - completely. That would be #1 on my list.

Let us know what you decide to do - there are lots of us out here who care about you and feel for you.

backintheUK Mon 18-May-09 14:05:38

in your situation I would get out of the relationship however you feel you can. If this has been going on for yoears then I would take the next few weeks/months to prepare for leaving.

there is no reason to live like this. My dh doesn't get drunk, doesn't shout at me isn't volatile and aggressive and nor are many men I know. Don't kid yourself that this is normal or acceptable. Your ds will remember this behaviour - is it the role model you want for him? Do you want it to be the defining memories of his youth because it will be - I know.

Galava Tue 19-May-09 13:01:00

As others say, this is not normal behaviour.

Far from it.

I would like to think if I were in your position I would leave.... but its not always as straight forward as that is it ?

Are you happy for this to continue for the rest of your life and for your DS to grow up thinking this is normal.

That is your answer.

differentnameforthis Sun 31-May-09 10:54:24



differentnameforthis Sun 31-May-09 10:59:47

And you know, you are cowering in fear. You said you went into the attic as you didn't think he would go up after you.

You are terrified that he is going to hit that not being in fear of a situation or person?

What would YOU advise if your daughter came to you & said this was her life?

warthog Sun 31-May-09 11:07:04

gosh, without a doubt i would try everything i could to get him to leave.

put all important docs in safe place, out of the house, with trusted friend. put money aside in secret bank account.

get the locks changed when he goes to work. pack a few of his things and leave them outside. tell him you have done this. be ready to call police when he comes home.

i would not give him any more chances.

Trikken Sun 31-May-09 11:26:34

Leaving him seems the only sensible option at the moment. or him you. Ask him to get help and maybe if his behaviour changes you can work something out, but I wouldnt put myself and my children at risk.

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