WWYD Changed myself and it’s kicking off...(17 Posts)
I was a bit of a doormat, a people pleaser. Long story short I put everyone first so we got along. I wasn’t that happy (ILs using my place as a hotel, using me as unpaid labour) but it was ok.
Had baby. I changed. Told ILs they can’t turn up when they feel like it, that I had enough to do without sorting out their lives, no more “favours”.
MIL. WENT. BALLISTIC.
Now there’s arguments all the time. MIL tries to get DH to get me to do stuff, he ignores her, he’s getting short with me if I answer the phone if it’s MIL and she asks to speak to him (will have to block her number or get caller ID) and everyone blames me for causing trouble. But I’m not. I’m just not being a doormat, I’m just not giving in to what amounts now to bullying.
DH even said this morning that I had turned “mean” but I haven’t, I’ve just turned normal! No one has ever done anything for me so it’s not as if I’m selfish.
Just wanted to add that DH did apologise for saying (after I told him what I thought) what he said but it was what he was thinking or he wouldn’t have said it. Plus he was shocked when I reeled off the last half a dozen things that I had done for his family for which I got no thanks, just complaints.
He’d “forgotten “. He will also “forget” my reasons for no longer being a doormat and this will come up again though. I know.
Good for you OP. You'll feel so much better in the long run.
Will they stop blaming me though. I never had cross words with DH until now.
I am nc with mil.
But other Mners you need to salute the op!!
Part of the problem is that I cleared up the mess. DH would arrange to go away with work over a time he had accepted an invitation to visit friends for instance. I would notice the clash (I have a very good memory, the ils don’t) and would point it out to him, clear up the mess. Now I don’t. His life is awful. He forgets to do things, does things wrong, has to clear up his own mess. He’s getting angry but I have two peoples lives to sort now I am a mother, I’m not doing three, especially as he fucks it up in the first place.
The ILs... I have done a yearly paperwork task for them every year, sitting up all night often because their stuff is in such a mess and they send it at the last minute. I warned them last time it was the last time. Now I’m being blamed for COSTING THEM MONEY because they have to find someone else and pay them like they used to before I arrived on the scene! No mention of the six years I saved them money and didn’t get thanks, just “have you done it yet” and sighs of annoyance when I told them they hadn’t sent everything.
I don’t know where the line is berween kindness and put on.
For instance DH has gone out today and put meat in the slow cooker but didn’t turn it on. He’s done it before. Last time I turned it on and told him when he’d got in that I had put it on at one and he said I hadn’t, he’d done it before he went out. So I’m not doing it this time. But he will probably say I turned it off.
I can understand not being a doormat for your inlaws, but not helping out your DH does seem a bit weird - especially if it puts you out in the long run ( not having any dinner for example). You and your DH are a partnership. Does he never do anything to help you?
Please continue to stick up for yourself. It is a long road but it is so worth not capitulating to their demands.
Seeline meal is for him and brother, I don’t eat meat. And that’s what I mean, I can’t judge the situations. All or nothing I understand, do I just put the meal on and say nothing or put it on and say something and be called a liar?
I have texted him to ask if he wants me to put it on.
DH and I used to work as a partnership, but since the IL thing he’s started to complain and since the baby I can’t look after the things he’s messed up like I used to.
He forgot to take his keys into work. In the past I would take them in as my work hours are flexible. It took over an hour there and back. I can’t do it with a baby I have other commitments.
You’re doing to the right thing.
He’ll learn to be responsible for himself. I doubt he needs constant reminders to get through a day at his work. He’s choosing to be useless because you’ve been picking up the slack.
Your PIL are taking the piss. If they’d been reasonable you wouldn’t have had to put a stop to helping them out. They weren’t. That was a choice too. The tide has turned and it’ll take a while for the dust to settle. Keep going. Your baby is your priority now.
In that case, it sounds as though your DH needs to grow up! Does he do anything for the baby? Are you still on maternity leave, or back at work? He needs to pull his weight.
Good for you OP. Once you have set the boundaries then you can start to do stuff again if they do stuff for you or are grateful. As soon as they take the piss you stop again
Good for you for standing up to yourself and not being a doormat for your ILs.
However, I agree that your husband is your partner, and as long as he’s supporting you, and as long as doing favors for him will not massively inconvenience you (like driving for an hour because he forgot his keys, again), then I think I’d still help him out when I can and would expect the same from him.
What was the upshot with the slow cooker?
So, aside from things like no longer doing a major paperwork task (tax form?) where you need to give fair notice so the person can make other arrangements, I wouidn't tell people that you're not doing stuff. Just don't do it, giving polite reason when necessary (eg 'sorry, I'm too busy' or 'that doesn't work for me'). Let the penny drop by itself.
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