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My wife suggested I can get sex elsewhere but I want her

(5 Posts)
devotedhusband Wed 08-Aug-18 11:32:12

My wife had major surgery 2 years ago which has completely removed her desires for sex. It went from not wanting intercourse to now, not even wanting to be affectionate. We love each other but the lack of any physical affection is beginning to affect me. I am not a needy bloke, but I to appreciate the affection of my wife. Prior to her surgery she was very sexual and playful, but as she put is, "my mojo has gone". She does not even like my touching her intimately and she does not reciprocate in any way at all. Even kissing has stopped.
She has suggested I go online to try find sexual partners to fulfil these needs but the problem is, as much as the fantasy might seem fun, I want intimacy with the woman I love. We have spoken about this and she says she cannot do that and shuns me when I even try to cuddle up in bed. We have not had sex in over a year and only once in the past two years. I do not want to go out and mindlessly sh*g someone......well I do.....but I cannot bring myself to because I want to have the love of my wife. Sounds sad, but I am at a difficult point. To go out and find a sexual partner requires developing a relationship with someone and I don't want to do that, I have my wife and I want the relationship with her. I don't want to have to start a fresh with someone else and talk about likes dislikes etc before being intimate.
My wife feels pressured when I talk about it with her, and I don't want to put her in that position, but it's been 2 years and I and scared my patience will eventually run out.
Most guys would love a free pass, but it's not as easy as it sounds. You can't just go online and find sex. Naturally people are sceptical of blokes after one thing because they could be pervs or worse.
Any suggestions are welcome.

Starfish Thu 09-Aug-18 20:24:50

Hate to sound blunt but you can't make her want to have sex with you. Either you stay in a relationship lacking any affection, or you don't. Unfortunately there's no magic fix, you need to have a long hard think about whether you can handle your marriage staying as it is or not.

devotedhusband Thu 09-Aug-18 23:04:11

Thanks. You make a good point. I think I could handle the no sex part, but the lack of any affection is hard. No kissing, no cuddling together, no simple resting her head on my shoulder and putting an arm on me. It’s hard to hear her say she loves me when there is no affection. I appreciate her physical limitations and respect that but she has the ability to hug, hold hands and be intimate without sex yet she doesn’t. That’s tough to try and live with.

HoleyCoMoley Thu 09-Aug-18 23:08:32

If you can live without sex tell her that but you but that you would like affection, maybe she's anxious about it. Don't touch her in intimate places, try not discussing it too much.

twohandstwokids Sat 11-Aug-18 22:06:10

Wow. Ignore that first response. You are in a tough situation. Have you unpacked with your wife why she feels this way. Surely she must be trying to guess too?

Since I had my IUD I have also lost my mojo. But I think it might also come from having two kids who refuse to sleep and a stressful job.

I've thought about having it out and seeing if it changes anything. But at the same time I also wonder if it is because I just don't feel hot anymore. My breasts have gone. And I have been heavier than I wanted.

There can be a huge range of reasons, many psychological. Has your wife seen a psychologist? Or have you gone together? There might be reasons beyond the surgery that are holding her back.

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