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Husband needs space

(100 Posts)
Macaroni84 Tue 07-Aug-18 23:03:19

I’d just like to say that NEVER did I see a post like this coming from me. How stupid I was!

Basically my dh and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10. After 7 years of ttc we have a beautiful 2.5 year old daughter.
As of last week my wonderful, loving, kind, caring husband decided he needed space and moved in with his parents?! I am devastated as this is only a few weeks after our 10th anniversary which was amazing. Until tonight I have not txt him or called him other than to reply to his messages and I have tried very hard to support what he needs while making it clear this is not my decision and not what I want. We have at the moment agreed to him having access twice per week, 1 family dinner and 1 date per week. I’m just not sure if I’m being an idiot and making this harder in the long run. I know my mum thinks I should tell him where to go but surely if I’m willing to give up that easy it makes me as bad as him!

I find myself strong and in control planning my furture without him but then thinking no way is this it and thinking all will be fine.
Regardless my attitude and opinion of him have changed and although I’m sure we could be happy again I will never fully trust him. There were many times over the years of ivf and hormones I could have seen this coming but this was out the blue. We were actively trying for another child the week before!

I don’t know what o want anyone to say but I just thought if I wrote this down it may help as that is what got me through all the ivf. My biggest upsets other than losing him are:
My daughter being from a broken home
I’m now 34 and chances of ever having another child are quickly slipping away.

Only a few people know and they r gobsmacked I mean we were an amazing couple who laughed our way through everything. He said he has been unhappy a couple of months and feels trapped. I just said u wanted this life as much as me if not more! I wanted to say grow up u absolute welcome to being an adult.

It’s almost like a 7 year itch! I was pregnant when we were married 7 years so maybe it’s hitting him now i really don’t know.

I have been so strong since he left me, I have cried but mainly when talking about dd. I have planned and tidied and got my life into order.

Tonight after our lunch date I have became increasingly upset to the point of feeling so sick and that I just cannot cope. I ended up txting him and he cane and helped put our dd down. I am so unbelievably angry at myself as I know there is nothing that is going to have changed from lunch time today. I thought if this happened I’d have called my mum but knowing how disappointed in me for the way I’m dealing with this made me feel like I couldn’t and she’d be devastated if I told her that.

Does it just come in massive waves like this? I hate being weak and helpless it’s not me.

Tonight he said he loved me and that he just needed to sort himself out but wants to work it out and come home, this is not the end.

travailtotravel Tue 07-Aug-18 23:07:12

Honestly I would tell him he's playing with fire and then when he's ready to come home you might both want him to. What a prize dick he is!

Macaroni84 Tue 07-Aug-18 23:10:08

😂 that actually made me smile as I have been thinking the same thing. I think he doesn’t realise what he is losing and in hindsight realise that I have given him far too easy a life he really was pampered! That was ok when I was getting the same but not now no way!!

Singlenotsingle Tue 07-Aug-18 23:13:56

He might just hàve realised it's a big lifestyle change when you have DC and be a bit scared...or is there an OW lurking in the background? Sorry to bring that up...

Discretion Tue 07-Aug-18 23:18:56

Yeah I’m kinda there right now too
I want the husband, I do love him - I think! I’ve been with him 34 yrs
We took 10 yrs to have dd age 18
He was unhappy about my weight 2 weeks ago and suggesting we split
I just want the life we built and the expectation we had to be
To happen

Fuckin hard isn’t it

One of my bffs always says ‘men are Bastards’

WindowsSmindows Tue 07-Aug-18 23:21:00

why is he not doing half the work of parenting? honestly if he can act like a single man with 2" dates" a week he might well decide he wants to be a single man without dates with you.
take control straight away.
half the week he needs to be parenting.
is he still contributing financially?

Macaroni84 Tue 07-Aug-18 23:21:49

I think it’s the first thing u mention. We are just out of a difficult stage with dd- the terrible 2s and it was really tough but we got through and she is back to being an angel. He also works really long hours and I think it was maybe all getting a bit repetitive and dull.

With regards to OW I highly doubt it. Obviously I have considered this maybe even if he hasn’t done something but his head has been turned but I really don’t see it. He has issues with ED due to a medical condition and I just don’t see him being confident enough to jump into an affair - I could be wrong as I did t see this coming!!

Macaroni84 Tue 07-Aug-18 23:25:09

Yes he is still contributing financially. It’s me that basically said he could have her twice a week I just thought I don’t want to share and why should I you made this choice. That’s what my mum feels he gets to do part time and then live the single life and have a bit of a holiday long lies etc

Discretion- sorry to read that but I’m starting to think ur friend could be right! Ironically my husband has left me now my weight is coming down since dd was born. I actually think guys have no idea and will jump on any little thing as an excuse absolute arseholes!

LeftRightCentre Tue 07-Aug-18 23:32:40

I'd cancel the dates and family dinners. Nope. He doesn't get to mess with your head like that. That's cruel. You've done enough, let him take a break from the family he chose to create because he needs space. What about you? Huh? Can you see how selfish he is? And on top of that he's still wanting to date you? WTAF?

RomanyRoots Tue 07-Aug-18 23:42:13

Sounds like another woman OP, it is text book behaviour and I've known of men say the exact thing, whilst making their mind up.
I hope this isn't the case, but it sounds fishy.
i'd certainly tell him to hurry up and decide

Babdoc Tue 07-Aug-18 23:47:21

Hmm. I think you should listen to an old Beautiful South song called “A little time”.....

Macaroni84 Tue 07-Aug-18 23:48:51

I think in my head I have settled that by next week which will be 2 weeks I will be taking a step back if he does not do or say something to change things. I can see he is being selfish and I have told him this but I am trying to support what he needs (not forever) but just in the hope that we can work this out. Tbh if there was or is another woman that would be good (well in a way) coz then there is a proper reason.
He is here for dinner and bedtime 2mo so I think I will see how it goes and go from there. This is emotionally exhausting. I refuse to weep and wail and beg. I also refuse to just go cool that’s us done. It’s been 12 years together and marriage is for life. If we can’t get through it I know that I gave it my all. I’m not saying I’d forgive an affair, I highly doubt I could. I just really hope I’m not being an absolute idiot and making this too easy for him

LeftRightCentre Tue 07-Aug-18 23:57:02

He needs to stop coming round because you need space now, too. He's messing with your head like this. Your daughter won't remember this and you need to look after yourself just now.

Rebecca36 Wed 08-Aug-18 00:08:36

I can understand anyone needing space, have felt like that myself but not moving back with parents. I just don't get that.

Glad you are sorting your life, it must be very hard and hurtful but it's a good idea not just for you but for him to see you doing that.

I hope things work out better for you in the future.

bumpertobumper Wed 08-Aug-18 00:25:36

is there a possibility that he has depression? How does he seem in himself? Is he upset about the situation? I know he has caused it and yes is being selfish but there could be mental health issues. People, especially men, can be very good at hiding their struggles and have to be strong, until it all unravels and they have a breakdown.
Giving your dh the benefit of the doubt in terms of possible ow etc, it sounds to me that it is possible he is struggling - he won't have caused this situation lightly, surely.

Relationship counselling would be advisable, given the trauma of the current situation - if you do reconcile there is a lot of rebuilding to do; and to process the difficulties you have both been through with fertility problems and his ed. And perhaps individual counselling / therapy too?

Justgettothepoint Wed 08-Aug-18 00:36:31

Early midlife crisis perhaps? Or just realising that life isn't always exciting all of the time? Or maybe like last poster said depression. Or exhaustion? I feel for you leaving you high and dry like that. It's selfish. Do you have a close relationship with his parents? Does he? Could they shed any light on whats going on for him? I wouldnt have thought he would have gone to live with them if there was a OW though.

SoKissMeHard Wed 08-Aug-18 00:41:24

His parents are nicer than mine. I’d be sent back home with a flea in my ear.

SoKissMeHard Wed 08-Aug-18 00:41:45

Tell him to fuck off. Men are shite.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 08-Aug-18 00:57:02

I'm also wondering about OW. It's the suddeness that makes me think it. It's not really that I think he's definitely having an affair, but I wonder if he has met someone and it has caused him to have doubts about your relationship etc. It's very strange to say he's felt like this for 2 months, it's such a short amount of time. For you to not have noticed a change in mood, and for him to not have any good reasons... It just seems OWy to me.

NewUserNameTime Wed 08-Aug-18 02:43:47

This sounds so difficult. I also thought of depression.

I think there needs to be communication about his intent. If this goes beyond two weeks couple's counselling for example

Macaroni84 Wed 08-Aug-18 08:00:50

Thanks for all your reply’s they have been very helpful and gave me a lot of things to think over. My very first thought was depression and his mum said the exact same (without me saying it). However since he has left and seeing him I just don’t think it is. My bff thinks it’s definitely mental health related as it is all so out of character. He is the nicest guy, I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t like him and I’ve known him for about 17 years. My only worry is that because he is so nice he is saying what he thinks I want to hear which I have warned him he can’t be a nice guy in this situation and if he tries to be he will look like more of a shit in the long run.

I’m now thinking that tonight when he brings back dd and we do the family dinner etc, once she is down I’m going to say it’s too hard for me to see u and I think we shouldn’t until u have made ur decision. I have been really clear that I expect reasons and we cannot move forward without them as they will just resurface. I am going to let him think about councelling this week and he has to let me know and tbh if he doesn’t want to do it it speaks volumes to me.

Babdoc Wed 08-Aug-18 08:23:14

I’m afraid I have no sympathy with your pathetic DH at all. He is an adult and a parent - he shouldn’t get a free pass to walk out on his responsibilities, leave you to cope with all the parenting and running the home, and inform you in a lordly manner that he will decide when to honour you with his bloody presence.
Have some pride and dignity, OP! Tell him he comes back and picks up his responsibilities right now or he fucks off for good. Start calling the shots yourself instead of meekly accepting his bullshit.
Alternatively, leave him in the house with your dc and tell him it’s your turn to indulge yourself- then go off to a hotel or friends for a few weeks. See how HE likes being treated like that.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 08-Aug-18 12:31:38

He is an adult and a parent - he shouldn’t get a free pass to walk out on his responsibilities, leave you to cope with all the parenting and running the home, and inform you in a lordly manner that he will decide when to honour you with his bloody presence.

This. I think you are making it far too easy for him. Stop the 'family dinners' and the dates. Only communicate about access for your DD.

Time to put on your big girl pants and stop letting him dictate everything.

He has left the family home. He has already checked out of the relationship, he just doesn't have the balls to actually tell you. Pathetic and cowardly.

HollyGibney Wed 08-Aug-18 12:38:57

There's an OW. I would be doing some snooping if I were you OP. There'd be no Date Nights or any of that nonsense. What an idiot. Funny how women rarely seem to have these crises where they have to move out to find themselves. I wouldn't give him any "it's too hard to see you" nonsense either. I'd tell him to get lost and you're not waiting around. I've had huge experience of silly, selfish husbands and that's what I wish I had done.

EmmashouldI Wed 08-Aug-18 12:51:34

My husband told me a few months back that he felt trapped didn’t want this life anymore was unhappy blah blah....we split up. I was devasted but got stronger started to feel happy and then suddenly he made a mistake, he does want this life. We got back together. Problem now is I realized I was stronger than I thought and was actually excited about my future without him. I am angry that he just dropped me like that and to be honest I think the love has gone now. Trying to make it work for our DC but if he walked tomorrow I’d be fine.

Point is if he comes back or not you will be fine don’t sit around and wait for him. Guaranteed the minute you start living life without him he’ll be back.

Also agree with Babdoc listen to “A Little Time” perfect song

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