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Husband has really knocked my confidence

(17 Posts)
Anontastic1 Sat 04-Aug-18 12:25:29

Hi Everyone

I passed my driving test just under 2 weeks ago. Was learning for a year and managed to pass first time with only 3 minors so not too bad, although I realise this doesn’t necessarily make me the best driver (I think statistics actually indicate people that pass 3rd or 4th are the best!) 😜. Anyway I digress....

Since passing I’ve found it quite daunting driving on my own...but have made a conscious effort even if it’s just a short drive to the shops or work daily to get in the car and do it! No mishaps as yet other than silly little errors like stalling at lights once etc (still getting used to the clutch/bite in my car being very different to the one I learned in!). My confidence was slowly growing...

Today I was driving on a longer distance trip with husband and kids in the car and my husband was just totally horrible. Criticised everything I did. I was totally on edge and ended up making loads of mistakes because he was just shouting at me the whole time (even called me thick at one point when I asked for clarification on something I had apparently done wrong). Whilst learning he was like this too, but hoped it would be better once I’d passed. It’s totally knocked my confidence and now I’d quite happily never get behind the wheel again sad

Passing meant so much to me in terms of my independence. I’m 7 months pregnant with baby number 3 and it just meant I’d be able to have more freedom to take the kids on day trips etc when I’m off work.

Is it normal for partners to be like this or is it just him? Got home and spent the last half an hour in tears. Part of me wants to just tell him to f**k off and let me get on with it, but the other anxious part of my brain (which isn’t always the most rational) thinks maybe he’s right maybe I am thick and just shouldn’t be on the road 😕.


UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername Sat 04-Aug-18 12:28:20

It's absolutely not normal. He's an insensitive nasty git.

Flapjackninja Sat 04-Aug-18 12:30:34

Your husband's a dick! I know exactly how you feel I passed 3 weeks ago and I more nervous now than ever!

I would definitely go with you first option and tell him to fuck off and carry on as you are. If you shouldn't be on the roads you wouldn't have passed your test don't let him make you feel this way.

It took me 3 goes to pass as well..

overmydeadbody Sat 04-Aug-18 12:30:37

That is not normal, toy need to you to him about how he made you feel.

Bluntness100 Sat 04-Aug-18 12:31:58

My husband is like this. He always wants to drive if we are going together , and usually I let him as I can't be arsed. However sometimes I do drive, a couple of weeks ago it came to a head, he kept shouting. Things "fuck what are you doing"when I went to change lane or whatever, that kind of thing, and scared the shit out of me a few times.

Culiminated in me loosing my shit totally. He's kept his mouth shut since. What really gets my goat is I'm an advanced driver and he's not.

All I can say is for you to tell him quietly how it makes you feel and you'd rather he was supportive.

Keep up with the driving, and congrats on passing.

museumum Sat 04-Aug-18 12:33:33

He’s a dick. And has just nominated himself for permanent driving duty when you’re both in the car. Just never drive him again, only yourself and the kids.

TopBitchoftheWitches Sat 04-Aug-18 12:35:27

When my ex h started on about my driving (never had an accident since I passed 1st time, when I was 18, now 40) I began to realise how emotionally abusive he was.

Lalaisloopsy Sat 04-Aug-18 12:36:09

I wouldn't drive with my dp for 6 months he was never mean but constantly telling me what to do regardless of if I needed help or not which stressed me so much. I was a very nervous driver to start with we are now 18 months up the line and he still thinks he's better than me but I don't care I know I'm a goof driver so I ignore him.

Just don't drive him again until your confident and tell him it's because he's an arsehole.

JammyDodgems Sat 04-Aug-18 12:36:12

That’s really horrible. I’m not a confident driver (despite having passed my test 18 years ago) but my husband (who loves driving) is absolutely brilliant in the car with me - patient and helpful and lots of praise to give me more confidence. And encourages me to drive as much as possible (even though it’s less stressful and much quicker for both of us if he does!) to help me get better at it and feel better about it.

Perhaps your H was nervous. But frankly he could and should do a lot better.

Good luck with driving and well done for passing first time (took me loads of attempts!)

Anontastic1 Sat 04-Aug-18 12:37:00

@Flapjackninja well done on passing too! It’s such a great feeling, but I know what you mean about being more nervous now. I feel like the real learning is just starting! Being out on your own with nobody sat to the left of you is so strange and first, but once I settle into the driving I’m fine and know ultimately I’m a safe driver. When my husband is in the car with me it just all goes to pot 😔. I can’t relax and feel so on edge.

He wants me to do all the driving when we go away next weekend for a family ‘do’, but I’m going to tell him to do one! If he is going to criticise me, then he’ll have to do it himself!

castasp Sat 04-Aug-18 12:41:41

I suspect he's scared and this is how it comes out. I hate being driven by someone else because I feel out of control, even though I'm no better at driving than anyone else, so it's completely irrational.

However, my DH and I tend to split the driving equally, but when he's driving, I don't start swearing at him and calling him names! - I just read a book, or (pretend) to sleep so I can keep my eyes shut and not look at the road! He drives a lot more than me with work and he's never had an accident, so I have no reason to not trust him.

ScrambledSmegs Sat 04-Aug-18 12:42:58

He's appalling. My DH is a nervous driver, he learnt to drive in his 30s and has never driven frequently enough to become confident. I passed my test at 17 so had the false confidence of teenagerhood to bolster me. I would never treat him like your husband treats you in the car. I want to bolster his confidence so we can share the driving equally, not destroy it!

Anontastic1 Sat 04-Aug-18 13:03:31

I’ve told him how he makes me feel countless times whilst still learning. He always apologises, says he will be more conscious of it next time...but then does same again next time we are in the car together. Probably contributed to me not getting a lot of private practice in between lessons because I was petrified of being screamed at constantly.

It took a year for me to feel confident enough to take my test as I was nervous from the start and at the beginning lessons were a real struggle. I was in an accident as a passenger when I was 17 which I why I didn’t start to learn until the age of 31! You’d think knowing this would make him a bit more sensitive to the situation wouldn’t you?! 🙄. The anxious part of my brain is hard to switch off and I keep replaying things over and over in my head and thinking I must be really crap at Driving if he behaves like this. 😢

Just feel really sad and pregnancy hormones are not helping me at the moment! Bah!

Fluffyears Sun 12-Aug-18 00:39:37

I’dbstopmthr car and tell him to either shut the fuck up or walk. Be very serious when you do. My mum used to press an imaginary brake pedal I asked what she thought she was doing and pointed out I had a licence and she bloody didn’t! I was in a Line of traffic crawling at 5mph and she’s pumping her foot up and down and stamping hmmconfused.

If he criticises you just pull over and tell him to get out, be serious that you are not moving until he either gets out and walks or agrees to not say another word.

GreenTulips Sun 12-Aug-18 00:52:59

I'd also pull over and tell him to get out. He can walk.

I have actually done this (only once because it doesn't happen a second time)

SweetGrapes Sun 12-Aug-18 00:58:07

He can shut up or walk.

My dh used to keep telling me what to do. I told him the govt has let me loose on the roads, that's enough - I don't need another license from him. Now he plays games on his phone when I am driving.

LemonysSnicket Sun 12-Aug-18 02:07:08

Wow. My mum was a bit like this because she was afraid it your partner shouldn't shout at you. That's completely out of line

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