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STBXH manipulating me?

(6 Posts)
missrabbitismyidol Mon 04-Jun-18 09:09:10

I've name changed as I don't want to be identified and I'm going to be purposely a bit vague for the same reason.

I have been separated for a year after STBXH cheated on me. We have DCs together. He introduced the OW to DCs after a very short time and without telling me. I heard it from DCs. It was very confusing and upsetting for one of my DC as they are very young and still wanted Mummy and Daddy to be together.

Fast forward to now and I'm in a new relationship. Things are going well and we're starting to talk about him meeting DCs and trying to figure out the best way to do that with minimal confusion and upset to DCs. STBXH doesn't know about the new relationship but he keeps asking questions looking for information. My concern is that he will start messing around with contact to make things difficult for me if he knows, but ultimately that would impact the DCs.

He had the DCs last weekend and he text me saying that DC had told him about my new partner. DC knows nothing about the new partner. He told me I should speak to them about it so they understand what's going on.

It is obviously possible that DC have picked up on something. But some of what STBXH said makes no sense and I suspect he's saying this to try to get information.

The problem is that if DC did say something then I do want to talk to them to reassure and help them to understand. But if they've not said anything, I'm then giving information which I'm certain would get back to STBXH. Obviously I'm considering telling DC anyway, which would mean I would tell STBXH. But I'd rather do both in my own time and my own way, whereas now I feel like I've been forced to do this before I'm ready.

DC is very sensitive and has taken the separation badly. They are my number one priority. I don't want anything to upset them but I don't know if I should be saying something or saying nothing.

STBXH also keeps asking to come to our house to help with bedtime. And he made a point of saying he'd look after the DC at my house if I wanted to go on any dates. I feel like he's trying to control and manipulate me and the situation. But if I assume that then I'm potentially leaving DC confused if there is any truth in what he's said.

Sorry this is so long. Any advice about what to do would be gratefully received.

pippistrelle Mon 04-Jun-18 10:41:13

I think, in the circumstances you outline, I would take anything said by your ex with a large pinch of salt.

Inevitably, you need to have some sort of relationship with him because he's your children's father but keep that as brief and matter of fact as possible. In all other areas, just do what you think is best for your children without being manipulated into acting before you would have done otherwise.

Blondebakingmumma Mon 11-Jun-18 13:00:32

Can you be vague with him

I don’t discuss my personal relationships with the dc. But When I find someone special, then I will gently talk to the dc

TERFragetteCity Mon 11-Jun-18 13:02:34

Don't fall into the trap. You know what he is doing. He is fishing for info.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 11-Jun-18 19:13:04

And certainly don't agree to him coming to your house for DCs bedtime! If they're already struggling with the split, that will confuse & upset them no end.

missrabbitismyidol Wed 13-Jun-18 21:43:52

Thank you for the responses.

I gently spoke to DC in a very vague way about what was said. And it turns out it was all a case of confusion. They knew nothing about my new partner, they were talking about something else entirely and it amused me how my STBXH has taken it to mean something else.

With that said, I have now told DC about my partner as I felt it was right. And as a consequence, I told STBXH (I had previously said I would tell him when someone was going to become involved in DCs life). His response was minimal and he hasn't probed since. So I suppose that's the best I can hope for.

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